Transformers: Dark of the Moon «½
PG-13, 157m. 2011
Cast & Credits: Shia LaBeouf (Sam Witwicky), Josh Duhamel (Lennox), John Turturro (Simmons), Tyrese Gibson (Epps), Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (Carly Spencer), Patrick Dempsey (Dylan), Francis McDormand (Mearing), Kevin Dunn (Ron Witwicky), John Malkovich (Bruce Brazos), Julie White (Judy Witwicky), Alan Tudyk (Dutch), Ken Jeong (Jerry Wang), Buzz Aldrin (Buzz Aldrin), Bill O;Reilly (Bill O’Reilly). Screenplay by Ehren Kruger. Directed by Michael Bay.
PG-13, 157m. 2011
Cast & Credits: Shia LaBeouf (Sam Witwicky), Josh Duhamel (Lennox), John Turturro (Simmons), Tyrese Gibson (Epps), Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (Carly Spencer), Patrick Dempsey (Dylan), Francis McDormand (Mearing), Kevin Dunn (Ron Witwicky), John Malkovich (Bruce Brazos), Julie White (Judy Witwicky), Alan Tudyk (Dutch), Ken Jeong (Jerry Wang), Buzz Aldrin (Buzz Aldrin), Bill O;Reilly (Bill O’Reilly). Screenplay by Ehren Kruger. Directed by Michael Bay.
"Transformers: Dark of the Moon" opens with Optimus Prime (voiced by Peter Cullen) narrating how during the final days of the planet Cybertron in the war between the Autobots (the good toys) and the Decepticons (the bad toys) a lone ship called “The Ark” launches carrying the dying world’s only hope for salvation.
What happens next is a unique series of events that would make conspiracy theorists and alien and UFO buffs drool if the story were profiled in the monthly issue of Fortean Times. Sometime in the early 1960s, “The Ark” crash lands on the Moon which brings the attention of NASA officials who immediately alert President Kennedy. As a result JFK decides to send a manned mission to the Moon. Not because of America’s race to get there first in competition with Russia, mind you. That’s all just a cover. The real story is for the astronauts to investigate the UFO crash.
If any conspiracy theorists ever wanted to know what was going on during those 21 minutes when communications between the Apollo astronauts and NASA went dark as broadcast journalist Walter Cronkite reported, Transformers: Dark of the Moon answers the question as a piece of the alien technology from the ship is brought back to Earth.
At one point during a job interview, when Witwicky tells an employer he shook hands with President Obama, the interviewer tells him their company is Republican. The best job Witwicky can land is as a mailroom clerk for an anal retentive boss (John Malkovich) who fires people on the spot when he sees the wrong colored coffee mug sitting on a person’s desk.
A couple other memorable moments include Sentinel Prime (voiced by Star Trek’s Leonard Nimoy) uttering the famous phrase from "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan" (1982) “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.” The line is an obvious nod to Nimoy’s Mr. Spock character but I enjoyed the reference regardless. Bill O’Reilly of Fox’s "The O’Reilly Factor" has a cameo who puts former government agent Simmons (John Turturro) in the hot seat questioning his knowledge about the Decepticons and the Autobots. Former Astronaut Buzz Aldrin (yes THE Buzz Aldrin) also has a cameo appearance. I had to go to imdb.com to look at the film’s cast and credits for verification.
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, on the other hand, immediately made me forget that Megan Fox was ever in the first two movies (Fox was fired or declined to star in the third film depending on which tabloid story one chooses to believe). Whiteley’s most dramatic moment comes during the climax when she tells Megatron (voiced by Hugo Weaving), that Sentinel Prime is going to eventually make the Decepticon leader his “bitch” once Earth is taken over and the Autobots are defeated.
Those moments along with the opening scenes add up to close to an enjoyable half hour when combined. The remaining two hours (157 minutes in all) is dedicated to lots of explosions and mass destruction as the Decepticons wreak havoc on Washington D.C. and Chicago and battle Optimus Prime and his do-gooder entourage that includes the yellow Chevrolet transforming Bumblebee.
In between all the mayhem are Witwicky’s attempts to warn government Agent “Don’t me ma’am” Mearing (Frances McDormand) of the Decepticon’s plans to use Sentinel Prime colonize Earth. Therein lies the entire plot all summarized in just one sentence.
Director Michael Bay has made a few movies I actually liked that include "Bad Boys" (1995), "The Rock" (1996), "Armageddon" (1998), and to a certain extent, "Pearl Harbor" (2001). Although Bay was intent on wowing audiences with the same kinds of explosive mayhem he has been providing moviegoers with this franchise since 2007, the one reason I enjoyed those movies was not so much the action and visual effects as it was the stories and the characters. The Transformers movies have very little story and no characters worth rooting for much less caring about. All those come second, if the filmmakers and screenwriters even bothered giving them any consideration to begin with.
Bay is not in the business of making the critics happy and I don’t expect him to be. Is it, however, too much to ask that he provide me with more than the consolation of watching such expensive junk movie making on one of the theater’s largest screens all alone where I don’t have to put up with the holiday crowds of annoying people sitting next to me and I got the first eight rows of seats all to myself despite the saying “Misery loves company?”
I wonder if decades from now if Shia LaBeouf reaches the admirable star quality status Newman had if he will say something similar about his role in the Transformers movies in which he says the real stars were those giant lumbering talking behemoths created by Hasbro.
©3/22/23
What happens next is a unique series of events that would make conspiracy theorists and alien and UFO buffs drool if the story were profiled in the monthly issue of Fortean Times. Sometime in the early 1960s, “The Ark” crash lands on the Moon which brings the attention of NASA officials who immediately alert President Kennedy. As a result JFK decides to send a manned mission to the Moon. Not because of America’s race to get there first in competition with Russia, mind you. That’s all just a cover. The real story is for the astronauts to investigate the UFO crash.
If any conspiracy theorists ever wanted to know what was going on during those 21 minutes when communications between the Apollo astronauts and NASA went dark as broadcast journalist Walter Cronkite reported, Transformers: Dark of the Moon answers the question as a piece of the alien technology from the ship is brought back to Earth.
Watching those first ten maybe twenty minutes of the film made me actually hold out some hope, all be it very briefly, that this third installment in the toy franchise would actually be worth my time. Indeed, "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" is actually better than "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" (2009). Unlike the second film which I happily awarded NO STARS to two years ago, “Dark of the Moon” is one and a half stars better, regardless of the fact that bestowing a low star rating means “below average” according to my movie rating system.The film boasts a few humorous moments that I can count on one hand. I laughed, for example, seeing a picture of hero Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) shaking hands with President Obama, which looks a little embarrassing. I would think helping save the world in the previous two movies would land Witwicky a good paying government job by now. The college graduate, however, still can’t find a job but at least he has a new girlfriend (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) who supports him working as a promotional assistant for a rich auto racing CEO (Patrick Dempsey).
At one point during a job interview, when Witwicky tells an employer he shook hands with President Obama, the interviewer tells him their company is Republican. The best job Witwicky can land is as a mailroom clerk for an anal retentive boss (John Malkovich) who fires people on the spot when he sees the wrong colored coffee mug sitting on a person’s desk.
A couple other memorable moments include Sentinel Prime (voiced by Star Trek’s Leonard Nimoy) uttering the famous phrase from "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan" (1982) “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.” The line is an obvious nod to Nimoy’s Mr. Spock character but I enjoyed the reference regardless. Bill O’Reilly of Fox’s "The O’Reilly Factor" has a cameo who puts former government agent Simmons (John Turturro) in the hot seat questioning his knowledge about the Decepticons and the Autobots. Former Astronaut Buzz Aldrin (yes THE Buzz Aldrin) also has a cameo appearance. I had to go to imdb.com to look at the film’s cast and credits for verification.
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, on the other hand, immediately made me forget that Megan Fox was ever in the first two movies (Fox was fired or declined to star in the third film depending on which tabloid story one chooses to believe). Whiteley’s most dramatic moment comes during the climax when she tells Megatron (voiced by Hugo Weaving), that Sentinel Prime is going to eventually make the Decepticon leader his “bitch” once Earth is taken over and the Autobots are defeated.
Those moments along with the opening scenes add up to close to an enjoyable half hour when combined. The remaining two hours (157 minutes in all) is dedicated to lots of explosions and mass destruction as the Decepticons wreak havoc on Washington D.C. and Chicago and battle Optimus Prime and his do-gooder entourage that includes the yellow Chevrolet transforming Bumblebee.
In between all the mayhem are Witwicky’s attempts to warn government Agent “Don’t me ma’am” Mearing (Frances McDormand) of the Decepticon’s plans to use Sentinel Prime colonize Earth. Therein lies the entire plot all summarized in just one sentence.
I am going to be honest here. I am no fan of this toy movie franchise although I did like "Transformers" (2007) enough to award it the “close but no cigar” rating of two and a half stars. Yet since it’s been fifteen years since I last saw it I don’t remember why I even gave the film a marginal recommendation. I never played with Transformers as a kid, nor have I ever held such a toy in my hand. I don’t own any Star Wars Transformers toys nor do I plan to buy any. I never read the Marvel comic book nor have I seen the 1986 movie that features Orson Welles who voices one of the metallic characters. I have not seen, nor will I ever watch the current animated TV series that is on right now.Other than Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Megatron and now as a result of this third installment, Sentinel Prime, I have no idea who the rest of these robots are that inhabit this film. Early on when Optimus Prime reveals the identity of some moving mechanical Decepticon worm, I immediately forgot the thing’s name and started asking myself if it was called “Sideshow,” “Swordfish,” or “Sideswipe.” I am sure Transformers fans will set me straight as to that particular Decepticon’s real name but I am warning you already, I don’t care. Trying to shed any real emotion as Bumblebee is about to get his mechanical transforming yellow head blown off by a Decepticon is like attempting to feel sorry for a large cockroach I see walking in the kitchen as I stomp on the germ carrying little bastard with my shoe. I have no worries about the messy remains I’ll see soon after. I shed more tears watching Owen Wilson’s character go through the pain of putting his faithful Labrador retriever to sleep in Marley & Me (2008).
Director Michael Bay has made a few movies I actually liked that include "Bad Boys" (1995), "The Rock" (1996), "Armageddon" (1998), and to a certain extent, "Pearl Harbor" (2001). Although Bay was intent on wowing audiences with the same kinds of explosive mayhem he has been providing moviegoers with this franchise since 2007, the one reason I enjoyed those movies was not so much the action and visual effects as it was the stories and the characters. The Transformers movies have very little story and no characters worth rooting for much less caring about. All those come second, if the filmmakers and screenwriters even bothered giving them any consideration to begin with.
Bay is not in the business of making the critics happy and I don’t expect him to be. Is it, however, too much to ask that he provide me with more than the consolation of watching such expensive junk movie making on one of the theater’s largest screens all alone where I don’t have to put up with the holiday crowds of annoying people sitting next to me and I got the first eight rows of seats all to myself despite the saying “Misery loves company?”
I know full well the Transformers movies are critic proof. I am not even sure these movies are for adults, or the parents who take their kids for that matter. These movies are for the kids who love the toys. As expected when the film ended I heard cheers from the audience. Don’t even think they were coming from the adults.When it comes to this trilogy (though I’d be real stupid in thinking, if not hoping "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" is the last installment given the film’s box office gross of $116 million July 4th weekend) I am reminded of a quote I read from Paul Newman in The Hollywood Reporter’s Book of Box Office Hits in which the Oscar winning actor says on the subject of his role in the disaster movie, "The Towering Inferno" (1974), “Hell, we all know who the real star of this movie is-that damned fire.”
I wonder if decades from now if Shia LaBeouf reaches the admirable star quality status Newman had if he will say something similar about his role in the Transformers movies in which he says the real stars were those giant lumbering talking behemoths created by Hasbro.
©3/22/23
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