Who the Hell listens to movie critics today?

This past weekend I attempted to play catch up on a few movies I missed out late last year. Among them was the apocalyptic end of the world “rapture film", "Left Behind" (2014), with Nicolas Cage and director David Fincher’s critically acclaimed murder mystery, "Gone Girl" (2014).

When it comes to what today’s movie critics like whether they’re the ones who have written reviews for decades or those who hope to be the next Pauline Kael or Roger Ebert (good luck on that one) I am like Al Pacino’s character Ricky Roma in the foul-mouthed real-estate robbery film, "Glengarry Glen Ross" (1992).

“I subscribe to the law of contrary public opinion. If everyone thinks one thing, then I say bet the other way,” Roma says.

That being said, I liked "Left Behind", Nicolas Cage’s phoned-in performance and all. I did not like "Gone Girl" and the only reason why that film got any attention was because it was based on a best seller and the devoted readers wanted to see how faithful the film makers would be to the book. I have seen better psychopathic performances by Oscar nominated actresses before, in particular Glenn Close from "Fatal Attraction" (1987) and Rosamund Pike’s role didn’t compare.



In fact, I’m proud to say I’ve liked several movies the movie critics didn’t embrace which include "Superman III" (1983). "Dune" (1984), Rob Zombie’s "The Lords of Salem" (2012) and "Halloween III: Season of the Witch" (1982) – yes! The one about the Irish toymaker who wants to wipe out America’s kiddies with cursed Halloween masks! Can you sing “Two more days to Halloween, Halloween, Halloween! Two more days to Halloween! Silver Shamrock!”

A couple months ago I caught the first 30 minutes of the critically bashed "Leonard Part 6" (1987) with Bill Cosby, and I laughed my ass off! If you are wondering which Batman films I still watch today? Hint: It’s NOT the Christopher Nolan films! Pardon me but the first priority when I go see movies now is to be entertained. I don’t think about what the hell I am going to say about so-so movie in a review.

I don’t listen to movie critics. I don’t believe for one minute their critiques today, if you call them that, ruins a film’s chances at the box office let alone increases the money a movie brings in. The audiences are the ones who determine that!

If movie critics really mattered, why is it that in today’s world of struggling city newspapers that it’s the critics who get sent packing when the publications slash budgets?

I don’t read anyone’s film reviews. When I browse through Empire magazine, Total Film, Film Comment and go to rogerebert.com, I make a mental note of the latest movies out with plans to see them later. I don’t pay attention to Rotten Tomatoes movie scores. When I think of “rotten tomatoes” I think that is the reason I get heartburn every time I eat pizza and pasta.

Rest assured sometime this year, I will see Johnny Depp’s "Mortdecai", George Lucas’ "Strange Magic" and the Jamie Foxx remake of "Annie", none of which were fully embraced by the know-it-all critics.

I don’t need some want-to-be movie critic who uses that extremely boring unoriginal “You” phrase writing, “If you like action adventure” or “If you like horror” or “If you like comedies” who thinks he/she is Mr. Spock and through some mind meld they know what I like. It’s bad enough these writers treat me like I am still in grade school, and I got to decipher Entertainment Weekly’s C+ press release/kiss-ass/often times politically biased reviews of so-so film versus the one that gets an A.

When it comes to critic’s movie ratings, I use the four stars to no star rating system, or if I were reviewing movies for Playboy magazine like film critic Bruce Williamson did, I’d use four bunnies to no bunnies. That system is so much simpler, but I know, today’s want-to-be film critics want to be different.

My advice to those who rely on movie critics recommendations, DON’T! To quote George Harrison’s Beatles song, “Think for Yourself,” "Do what you want to do. And go where you're going to. Think for yourself. Cos I won't be there with you."

You’re only going to be disappointed, if not furious if you listen to how everyone embraced a movie like Gone Girl only to ask yourself if you and they actually watched the same film. Trust me, I’ve been there.

I’m still trying to figure out what the critics and audiences saw in "The English Patient" (1996).

To quote Elaine Benes (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) from that "Seinfeld" episode, “Quit telling your stupid story about the stupid desert, and just die already! DIE!”

©2/18/15

Does EVERY woman in America want to be tied up and spanked by their man?

Sometime in the next few years, hopefully sooner provided my financial situation improves and I can be allowed to finally get my own “man cave” before I get way too old to have one, I will have a “playroom” which I will keep locked. Inside that room will be a few curios of expensive 12-inch movie action figures from Hot Toys, possibly all the 6-inch Star Wars action figures from Hasbro if they keep making more, everything still inside their wrapped boxes along with several ultimate collector Star Wars Lego sets on display.

I will be exactly like Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) in that clip from the upcoming film adaptation out Feb. 13th of the first book of author E.L. James’ bestselling sadomasochistic trilogy "Fifty Shades of Grey" (2015) where he shows his girlfriend Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) his “playroom.”

The moment I prepare to show my girlfriend, if have one, my locked playroom, I won’t be surprised if she says exactly what Anastasia asks Christian.

“Like your Xbox and stuff,” she asks.

And yet I will NOT be anything like Christian Grey. True, I will be probably better off financially but I won’t be a millionaire CEO of a large company. I won’t own any “toys” that one either order from those leather s/m stores off the Internet to keep their identities secret like bondage equipment, blindfolds, posturing collars, an assortment of whips, crops and canes and whatever else the movie character Christian Grey has in his secret “Red Room of Pain.”

Therein lies my problem with the apparent sexually submissive hold James’ books have on women today. Maybe it’s just me but if after a few dates I showed my future girlfriend my “Red Room of Pain” I’d like to think she will immediately bolt out the door and never want to see me again. I mean what woman wants to be tied up, blindfolded and spanked by their man in this era where women are taking on almost the same, if not all the take charge roles men play?

Maybe it’s just me but I have way too much respect for women and would not feel comfortable doing what Christian Grey will do to Anastasia for a combined 20 minutes of the film’s 125-minute running time.

I won’t lie and say to quote the film’s tagline that I won’t be “curious” to see "Fifty Shades of Grey" opening weekend. The phrase “controversy sells” goes without saying in this case as I am fairly certain the film will literally blow away "American Sniper" (no bad pun intended) from the number one spot at the box office.

Like the "Sex and the City" movie (2008) which attracted female fans of the show and guys who either have a fetish looking at women in high heels or enjoy wearing them, I predict "Fifty Shades of Grey" will attract everyone from those who want to know what all the kinky hype is about, women and men who engage in the same sexual activities with their significant others as the two characters do in James’ novels, to women fans of James’ books who claim how much this book trilogy saved their doomed marriages and boyfriend/girlfriend relationships in the bedroom behind closed doors.

As much as s/m bondage enthusiasts, however, hope that this film will finally bring their mostly hidden alternative lifestyle out in the open and hope we “vanilla” people accept their questionable tastes the way a high number of states in America are accepting gay marriage, sadomasochistic activity is still taboo. It is still politically incorrect and is not the kind of conversation one discusses in public.

In this era of “I am Woman! Hear me roar!” and “Women rule!” I don’t believe every woman wants to be sexually submissive to their man.

Even Grey star Jamie Dornan doesn’t believe it in an interview with Elle UK.

“I can understand why people say tying a woman up and spanking her is misogynistic,” Dornan said. “But actually, more men are submissive than women. Very powerful men.”

I have a feeling he may be right. Sorry guys.

©2/11/15