Women always have the upper hand over men on "Desperate Housewives"

I must admit the commercials I saw late last August promoting ABC's “Desperate Housewives” made me think this was going to be the year's most talked about network flop. I just know that those female fans reading this, most likely every single woman in America, will take that as a typical male response.

Would it make any of you females happy if at the same time, I had also predicted another show on ABC about a group of plane crash survivors stranded on an island would never take off and how wrong I was on that one?

Were it not that I no longer work on Sundays, I would never watch “Desperate Housewives” and would be completely oblivious to why it has become so popular were it not for the front-page cover stories I have seen in Newsweek, Entertainment Weekly, and Vanity Fair.

I understand now why women love it so much and why it seems, not a week goes by that I don't see Diane Sawyer on “Good Morning America”, “The Oprah Winfrey Show” or the ladies of “The View” talk about what happened the day after Sunday night's episode.

It's because for one hour on Sunday nights, it is a world where females all over the country get to shout, "I am woman. Hear me roar!"

They can cheer for their favorite residents of Wisteria Lane who come in the forms of emotional basket case Susan Mayer (Teri Hatcher), perfectionist Bree Van De Kamp (Marcia Cross), unfaithful wife Gabrielle Solis (Eva Longoria), stay-at-home mom Lynette Scavo (Felicity Huffman), and neighborhood sex pot Edie Britt (Nicollette Sheridan). On Sunday nights, the score is women five, the men zero. It is a world where females reign supreme and the men from the teenagers on up are complete jerks with an assortment of personal problems.

You do not believe me? Well then consider this sordid cast of male creatures.

There is Bree's husband, Rex (Steven Culp), who pays Maisy Gibbons (Sharon Lawrence), the neighborhood dominatrix and call girl living down the street to enact his submissive sexual fantasies that his wife, Bree, would never understand. Lynette's husband, Tom (Doug Savant) may not only have an infidelity secret we don't yet know about but also has an eye on the young nanny (Marla Sokoloff).

Gabrielle's husband, Carlos (Ricardo Antonio Chivara), wants a baby so much that in one episode he tampers with his wife's birth control pills. I just know that when Carlos, who is in trouble with the law, told Gabrielle he is the head of the household, women viewers cheered when she took his bucket of fried chicken and walked out the front door. She sat on the curb across the street taunting him as she chowed down, knowing he cannot go ten feet away from the house without his electronic ankle bracelet going off.

"Man of the house?" she said. "You can't even leave it."

I could almost hear the words, "You go girl!" when Bree gave her husband, Rex, a tongue lashing in front of everyone at an elegant restaurant when he wanted to leave because all the patrons, women in particular (no surprise there), were staring at him in disgust. This is all thanks to the newly published client list the dominatrix had that was conveniently leaked to the public following her arrest.

Now I know what the phrase, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" means.

Is there no man on this street who has any level of moral decency?

Well, there is Mike Delfino (James Denton), the handsome new plumber, who just moved in the neighborhood. Trouble is I don't think one bottle of liquid Drano will be enough to unclog his criminal past.

In the real world, you would not only expect to see a mother upset that an older woman like Gabrielle had an affair with her son, John Rowland (Jesse Metcalf), who isn't even 18 yet, but the father would be as well. Such is not the case on Wisteria Lane. The elder Mr. Rowland tells Gabrielle he wished he had been that young so he too could have had the opportunity to sleep with such a goddess.

Why is it the men on this show are young teenagers who either rebel against their parents or are having trouble wondering if they are gay? Why is it always the men who have skeletons in their closets like widowed father Paul Young (Mark Moses) who I wouldn't be surprised if there are bodies buried in his backyard under the swimming pool.

What about George Williams (Roger Bart), the lonely male pharmacist who gets off watching security camera videos of Bree while eating his microwave dinner and for all we know, his former roommate was the creepy character Robin Williams played in “One Hour Photo” (2002)?

CBS President Leslie Moonves' comment in the April 2005 issue of Playboy fails to raise any brownie points for us males who are not low life scum. When asked about how the ABC hit has beat out CBS' “Survivor”, Moonves didn't just say it was because “Desperate Housewives” is a good show.

"I know a lot of guys who watch the program - it has beautiful, sexy women," he was quoted saying.

Are we male creatures the equivalent of the skid marks left by tires then where the only reason we watch a television show is because the actresses, most of whom are in their early to mid-40s, still look hot, with the exception of Texas A & M graduate Longoria who is 30? I will admit they are beautiful, but that is not the reason I have tuned in this year.

I find the show entertaining in a raunchy, twisted way. It is the poor man's answer to HBO's “Sex and the City” for those who cannot afford cable or satellite television. I know that won't hold up, however, in the eyes of the female crowd who will say I am a liar when it comes to my saying the only reason I read Playboy and FHM (For Him Magazine) is because I like to read the articles.

If there is any consolation for us guys it is that at least the women characters on “Desperate Housewives” are not angels. Their behavior is just as bad as the men's.

Susan looks to her daughter (Andrea Bowen) for advice when her dating relationships fizzle out. Gabrielle just wants to live off Carlos' wealth and not have to work for a living. Lynette does not like being a stay-at-home mom taking care of three kids. She yearns for the days when she oversaw a corporation. Yes, even Bree, my favorite character who is a conservative, a member of the NRA (National Rifleman's Association), and has a picture of President Reagan hanging near the utility room, is far from perfect. The fact her kids resent her and her husband, at first, wanted a divorce and eventually cheated on her, literally define the term "dysfunctional."

As for Edie well, all I am going to say is there is no one on my block who dresses in shorts and high heels while washing the car and if there is, I have been too busy to notice.

Then there is Mary Alice Young (Brenda Strong), a loving wife and mother who blew her brains out in the first episode for reasons only the show's creators know. She is always heard but rarely seen, except in Lynette's dreams, providing witty commentary every week the way Rod Serling narrated episodes of “The Twilight Zone”.

Are these the kinds of female characters women aspire to become or already are? I may be in the minority here, but I think I can safely say that not all men are flawed pigs. All right, most of us guys are flawed, (even me, believe it or not) but not all of us are vile disgusting creatures.

It is only in Hollywood, or in this case, on some street called Wisteria Lane where women will always have the upper hand in this immoral battle of the sexes.

When it comes to how both parties act in the real world, though, the score continues to be even.

Women: 0 Men: 0

©4/6/05