"NYPD Blue" signs-off but war over adult content on TV continues

"This police drama contains scenes of nudity and adult language. Viewer discretion is advised."

If the above warning failed to convince what you would be tuning in to at 9 p.m. Tuesdays back in the fall of 1993 was the equivalent of R rated material found in only movies and on cable television shows, then perhaps this particular shot did.

It's the infamous crotch grabbing scene shown within the first five minutes of the premiere episode of ABC's controversial police drama "NYPD Blue" (1993-2005) in which Dennis Franz's Detective Andy Sipowicz tells a female district attorney to "Ipsa this, you prissy little bitch."

First season's cast of NYPD Blue.

The comment seemed to make Franz's partner Detective John Kelly played by David Caruso exhibit a look of embarrassment and I am not all that certain it was part of the act.

When it comes to Hollywood testing the waters of decency on network television shows, my comment has always been and continues to be if you don't like it, don't watch it.

As much as the old folks would like the networks to return to the days when shows like "Bonanza" (1959-1973), "Hawaii Five-O" (1968-1980), "Happy Days" (1974-1984), and "Leave It to Beaver" (1957-1963) were free of nudity and profanity, the bottom line is those days are over.

There is no doubt when "Blue" premiered, hundreds of Christian conservative groups who protested against it were hoping once the show's novelty had wound down, viewers would stop tuning in and the series would be history over the course of a season.

The fact several television stations, including Dallas' WFAA, refused to air the program during its Tuesday night 9 p.m. time slot for a couple years just added more fuel to the fire getting more viewers interested in seeing what all the fuss was about.

Steven Wheeler, general manager of WSIL in Harrisburg, Ill, whose station was among the 50 plus affiliates that didn't air the series, said it best in a March 2, 2005 article by Jake Tapper and Avery Miller on abcnews.go.com. "As a practical matter, if it's a huge success and it runs for 10 years, then I'd have to cave in at some point," he said.

Controversy sells and in the case of "NYPD Blue," it sold well. Christian conservatives lost the war, and prime time would never be the same.

Or has the battle over adult content always been the same before viewers got the chance to see what male actor on Blue had the hottest looking rear end? When was the last time TV viewers were given the chance to grab an up close and personal piece of female cheesecake so long as nothing was shown below the waist? As the days counted down to Blue's final episode March 1, I was amazed at the entertainment media's claim that the series changed what we now see in today's television shows. The fact is the battle over what is considered appropriate to air has been waged for decades ever since "the boob tube" was invented.

How many racial slurs did the censors allow Archie Bunker to get away with saying on "All in the Family" (1971-1979)? How many times did you hear George Jefferson refer to his interracial neighbors upstairs on "The Jeffersons" (1975-1985) as "honky" and "zebras?"

What about the episode on "St. Elsewhere" (1982-1988) where Ed Flanders' Dr. Donald Westphall pulled his pants down and mooned Ronny Cox with the comment, "You can kiss my ass pal?" It may be true that "NYPD Blue" opened doors for other shows to voice what Mr. Spock from "Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home" (1986) referred to as "colorful metaphors" and air scenes of nudity. Over the 12 and a half years of the police drama's run, I have heard the words "asshole" and "bitch" uttered on “ER.”

While on two episodes of CBS's "Chicago Hope" (1994-2000) viewers were treated to a close-up on a woman's breasts following surgery and heard Mark Harmon's character utter the phrase "Shit happens" that got conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh's attention. The day after the episode aired, Limbaugh commented on his radio program now he knows what the "S" in CBS stands for.

Those who think Janet Jackson's Boob-gate fiasco at the 2004 Super Bowl and "NYPD Blue signing off into syndication heaven after 261 episodes and 15 plus Emmy wins means a hopeful return to good clean profanity/nudity free programming during what some think is "family hour" guess again.

Keep in mind, the first line out of comedian Chris Rock's mouth when he came out on stage to host the 77th Annual Academy Awards Feb. 27 was "Sit your asses down" after receiving a standing ovation. As Blue's producer Steven Bochco said in an article on CNN on March 1, 2005, "You just can't put the genie back in the bottle. It's not going to happen, notwithstanding the fact broadcast television in these days has become an extremely conservative and frightened medium."

Adult content in television shows is here to stay. The only difference now is it's not going to be publicized as much the way it was for 12 years on Tuesday nights when Andy Sipowicz and the detectives at the 15th squad were out solving murders and dealing with their own caseload of personal problems.

©3/23/05

Dan Rather retires with a whimper instead of a bang

March 9, 2005, will probably go down in the eyes of most, if not every right-wing conservative, as what Darth Vader said as the Death Star was thirty minutes away from destroying the rebel base in Star Wars (1977). “This will be a day long remembered.”

For conservatives on the radio talk show circuit, March 9, 2005, seemed to be a day of complete jubilation. I didn’t get a chance to hear what Rush Limbaugh had to say about what was CBS’ anchorman Dan Rather’s final newscast that night. I did, however, catch Sean Hannity’s program, which airs immediately following Limbaugh’s Monday through Friday from 3 p.m. to 6 p.m. on WBAP.

I wasn’t at all surprised to hear Hannity’s program open with the words from the song, “Na Na  Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye” in celebration of Rather’s retirement. For much of that entire hour I was tuned into his show, Hannity discussed the newscaster’s fall from grace with last September’s “memo-gate” fiasco; the infamous National Guard story that aired in which Rather and his team failed to authenticate documents regarding President Bush’s military service.

A story that Rather still thinks, had he and his team had more time, could have proved the documents weren’t forgeries while talking with David Letterman a few days before his final newscast.

"We were not able to authenticate the documents as thoroughly as I think we should have,” he said. “Given a little more time, perhaps we could have."

I have not watched a single half-hour of “The CBS Evening News with Dan Rather” in the entire 24 years he was on. I have only watched him in spades and even then, I don’t think that amount of time would add up to thirty minutes. The thing I saw most of him was when he first said George Bush was the winner on Election Night 2000. I went to bed early that morning believing that only to find out hours later I had awakened to a national nightmare.

The other time I caught Rather was when he broke down while talking to Letterman a few days after the September 11 terrorist attacks. This was far different from the brief moments I saw Peter Jennings at ABC and NBC’s Tom Brokaw almost break down during their individual coverage of 9/11.

After reading two pieces about Dan Rather, one published in the March 2005 issue of Texas Monthly by Gary Cartwright, and a not too flattering piece by Ken Auletta in the March 7, 2005 issue of The New Yorker, I can understand the reason and perhaps sympathize with why the right wing is so happy to see the long running anchorman go.

I’ll give Rather some credit. He was simply doing his job during the Watergate era when President Richard Nixon asked the soon-to-be news anchor, “Are you running for something” and Rather responded back, “No sir, Mr. President. Are you?”

On the other hand, I cannot argue that there wasn’t a pattern in the way the often-controversial newsman went after Republicans over the years.

When he confronted then-Vice President George Bush during an interview in 1988 about the Iran-contra scandal, Bush recalled the incident when Rather walked off the set in 1987 due to CBS’ decision to delay the evening news and opting instead to continue coverage of the U.S. Open.

“It’s not fair to judge my whole career by a rehash on Iran,” Bush said according to Auletta’s New Yorker article. “How would you like it I judged your career by those seven minutes when you walked off the set?”

Then there is Rather’s defense of President Bill Clinton by saying he thinks he is an “honest man” when questioned by Bill O’Reilly in an interview back in May 2001.

“Yes, I think he’s an honest man,” Rather said. “Listen, who among us have not lied about something? I think at core, he's an honest person. I know that you have a different view. I know that you consider it sort of astonishing anybody would say so. But I think you can be an honest person and lie about any number of things.”

Reading about that alone makes me want to consult Websters dictionary to find out what the exact definition of not just what a liar is but lying as well.

Still, I must give the native Texan some small amount of praise. After reading those two magazine pieces and looking up several “Ratherisms” found on various websites, I am almost sorry I didn’t catch more of his newscasts during those 24 years.

Rather’s news comments, as off-the-wall as they were, I cannot say they weren’t innovative, though I am not sure his journalistic prose would win any accolades with film critics or garner Oscar nominations for best original screenplay.

Consider this sampling of quotes from politicalhumor.about.com compiled by Daniel Kurtzman on what Rather said during the 2000 presidential election.

"This race is humming along like Ray Charles."

"This situation in Ohio would give an aspirin a headache.''

"We need Billy Crystal to Analyze This.”

On the 2004 presidential election:

"This race is tight like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach."

"This will show you how tight it is - it's spandex tight."

"We've lived by the crystal ball; we're eating so much broken glass. We're in critical condition."

My personal favorite Rather quote, however, has nothing to do with any presidential elections.

“Stay with CBS now for more news, including: Is there a pall over the mall as holiday shoppers think small?”

After reading those two magazine pieces, I also must give him credit for being someone who didn’t just sit behind the news desk unlike his counterparts. He covered things happening around the world reporting with on-the-spot news coverage from Vietnam and Tiananmen Square and Iraq and Afghanistan to his fascination with hurricanes and tornadoes in various parts of the country.

Dan Rather was more a news reporter than he was a news anchor which explains why in recent years he always placed third next to ABC’s Jennings’ and NBC’s Brokaw. Viewers wanted a prettier face to tell them what’s happening in the world and give it to them without all the witty comments.

Or if you want it in simpler terms, they want someone like William Hurt’s not too bright good-looking Tom Grunick from “Broadcast News” (1987). They don’t want an unattractive garrulous, ego-driven on the spot news reporter like Albert Brooks’ Aaron Altman was.

I kind of feel sorry that Rather exits the newsroom on a less than positive note being remembered more for “memo-gate” than all the other things he’s done in his long running career. This isn’t the first time a well-known face has been brought down by an embarrassing scandal.

No one remembers anything good Richard Nixon did during his presidency. They just associate him with Watergate. I’ll always remember President Clinton more for lying about his affair with an intern and his impeachment than anything else he did in the two terms he was in office.

Perhaps over time, people will look back on Dan Rather a little more fondly than they do now, though I doubt conservatives will.

"It is going to loom large," said Alex Jones, director of Harvard University's Shorenstein Center on Press, Politics and Public Policy in a March 9 article on Cnn.com on what Rather’s legacy will be. "Over time, this is something that will be put in better perspective, especially if he has another chapter in his career."

©3/23/05

Is America ready for a 9/11 movie?

Is America ready for a 9/11 movie?

Picture this. It is early May, two or three years from now and the start of the summer movie season. You've just paid your $6.50 ticket and are sitting amidst several others in the dark auditorium opening day to watch what is certain to be one of the most talked about films of the year.

After 30 minutes’ worth of trailers and commercials, the big event finally begins.

The camera pans in on the twin towers of Manhattan's World Trade Center. There is a little ticking clock posted in the bottom right-hand corner reading 8:35 a.m. It is the morning of Sept. 11, 2001.

The camera then pans in on several scenes of activity inside the top floors of the North Tower. We see more than a hundred patrons having breakfast at the Windows on the World restaurant, while five hundred or more employees are at their desks of the brokerage offices of Cantor Fitzgerald.

We see a woman checking e-mail in her office on the 89th floor of the North Tower. The ticking clock now reads 8:46 a.m. As she sips her morning coffee, we hear the roar of two turbine jet engines, followed by what some think is an exploding transformer, that knocks the woman to the floor as the 110 story building reels from the impact of a Boeing 767 flying in at 450 miles per hour.

Then all hell breaks loose.

Get ready for 9/11: The Movie, one of many as yet untitled projects coming soon to either a theater near you or on a television network a few years from now.

I have always known Hollywood would sooner or later plan a film about the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, but I personally would have preferred later, as in decades from now, as opposed to sooner.

A couple of dramas about 9/11 have already been made like “The Guys” (2002), which starred Anthony LaPaglia as a fire chief enlisting the aid of a psychiatrist (Sigourney Weaver) to come up with several eulogies for the men he lost at the World Trade Center.

The Showtime original made-for-cable movie, “D.C. 9/11: Time of Crisis” (2003), could most likely be referred to as the film Michael Moore doesn't want you to see. Unlike Moore's “Fahrenheit 9/11” (2004), President Bush, as played by Timothy Bottoms, is portrayed as a real commander-in-chief the moment he learns America is under attack.

The closest we've seen of what went on inside the twin towers was the television documentary “9/11”, shot by Jules and Gedeon Naudet who were making a film about a newcomer firefighter. It was luck that they happened to have their cameras rolling when American Airlines Flight 11 hit the North Tower.

It is Hollywood's latest venture, though, that will likely show us the horror of what went on inside both towers from the time the first plane hit to the moment the North Tower collapsed at 10:28 a.m. This is all thanks to a newly published hardcover book called “102 Minutes: The Untold Story of the Fight to Survive Inside the Twin Towers” (2006 - Henry Holt & Company Inc., 352 pages, $26) by New York Times reporters Jim Dwyer and Kevin Flynn.

If you haven't heard much about book, that's because it has barely received any press since it came out early February. You will not find it on the shelves of bestsellers at Barnes & Noble or Borders but instead find it sitting amongst a slew of other new hardcover books on tables where there are only a handful of copies available. There have been no reviews written in Time, Newsweek, or Entertainment Weekly. I, myself, would have known nothing about it had I not been browsing Newsweek's website for back issues and came across a brief online article about the title.

The book, however, is now getting publicity, thanks to Columbia Pictures, which, according to an article in Variety, is in the process of buying the rights and appears to be the latest in a series of projects set to go before cameras in the coming years. According to the same article, producer Brian Grazer has plans to make an eight-hour mini-series about 9/11 based on the Commission Report published last year.

The fact such films are being planned begs me to ask a slew of questions. Is America ready for a big screen recreation of the horrors we saw live on television that unseasonably warm September morning, which will no doubt be released either during the summer movie season or late fall to be a contender for Oscar nominations, if promoted right?

Are we ready to see highly paid stars portray real life victims as he or she make their final heart-breaking phone calls to loved ones to cancel unexpected birthday trips and to say good-bye?

Are we ready to bear witness to the desperation of hundreds of people near the point of impact and above trying to escape the searing heat and smoke obviously knowing how this is all going to end? When exactly is the right time to release such a film and is there a right time?

Perhaps the only way to answer the question if the time is right for a film about Sept. 11 is the notion that time eventually heals all wounds.

There was a moment when I was surprised at how quick one year had gone by since the terrorist attacks and I felt the same way on the second anniversary. I asked myself where the time went. Now 9/11 feels like it happened decades ago.

Our attitudes are different from what they were in the weeks and months after the attacks. We have accepted we must now show up two hours early before boarding time at airports for check-in. We have accepted that there will always be a police/military style presence at such events like the Super Bowl, the World Series and at New York's Times Square on New Year's Eve.

American patriotism is back to what it was before 9/11. There are no flags flying outside many homes on national holidays and support for our armed forces abroad seems split down the middle, depending on who you talk to. Today, we laugh when late night talk show hosts like Jimmy Kimmel make jokes about Homeland Security and the never-ending terror alerts.

The question studio executives should ask themselves when it comes to green lighting movies about 9/11 is, are they doing this so Americans will never forget? Is it all for the sake of macabre entertainment as we sit gulping down our large cokes and chow down on the large, buttered popcorn and Milk Duds in awe of the terrifying special effects that will most likely be supplied by the digital gurus working at George Lucas' Industrial Light and Magic?

I won't deny such a film will have all the winning ingredients of a tragic tearjerker as we learn of various tales of heroism, if it's done right. We will no doubt meet characters who got out in time before the towers' collapse as well as feel for those who did not. But not everyone's wounds have healed, in particular the people who lost loved ones that morning which will likely never heal.

This year will mark the fourth anniversary of Sept. 11.

The idea of making a film dramatizing those tragic events is too soon to be considering, but then again, has Hollywood ever pondered how audiences, not to mention, the families of loved ones, would feel about such a project being adapted for the big screen?

©2/23/05

My Personal Worst Films: Shark Tale (2004)

Shark Tale «½ 

PG, 90m. 2004

Cast & Credits: Featuring the voices of Will Smith (Oscar), Robert De Niro (Don Lino,) Renée Zellweger (Angie), Angelina Jolie (Lola), Jack Black (Lenny), Martin Scorsese (Sykes), Ziggy Marley (Ernie), Doug E. Doug (Bernie), Michael Imperioli (Frankie), Vincent Pastore (Luca), Peter Falk (Don Brizzi), Katie Couric (Katie Current). Screenplay by Rob Letterman, Damian Shannon, Mark Swift, & Michael J. Wilson. Directed by Bibo Bergeron, Vicky Jenson & Rob Letterman.

The first signs of trouble in Dreamworks' latest animated feature, "Shark Tale", began from the get-go as a scared little worm dangling from a hook is thrown out to sea. Seeing the worm trying in vain to untie itself begs me to ask which is more painful -- being tied in a knot in a hook or being eaten by a fish? The music then begins as we hear the familiar theme song from the popular 1975 movie about a man-eating shark called Jaws.

I wasn't at all surprised by what came next thanks to the familiar music. Sure, enough two sharks came along; one is named Lenny (voice by Jack Black), a timid man-eater who lets the little worm go because he is a vegetarian.

After being scolded by his older brother Frankie (voiced by The Sopranos star Michael Imperioli) for making such a lousy decision, the two go off in search of more seafood, while Frankie hums the Jaws theme.

"I hate it when you do that," Lenny says.

"Why," Frankie asks. "It's our theme song." Get it? Yeah I get it. Ha-ha.

It's one thing to open up a movie the way Airplane! (1980) did with the sight of a jetliner's tail poking through the clouds while the Jaws theme song was played. Airplane! was made to spoof several disaster movies.

"Shark Tale" is not a spoof, but it sure has more than plenty of references to various adult movies kids under ten wouldn't be allowed to see unless their parents are overly liberal and don't care what their children watched. They include, besides Jaws, references to both "The Godfather" (1972) and Barbershop movies, "Superman II" (1981) and "Titanic" (1997).

I started thinking to myself, "hmm...all we need now is some fish with a grenade launcher to come out yelling, 'say hello to my little friend,'" the way Al Pacino's Cuban gangster did in "Scarface" (1983), or some fish imitating Joe Pesci's clown routine from "Goodfellas" (1990). My heart sank lower than the oceanic depths this movie takes place in the moment I saw those two imitations.

Like Oscar (voiced by Will Smith), a smart aleck, fast talking fish who dreams of making a better name for himself, Shark Tale is a movie in desperate search of its own identity. There is not a single, genuinely funny moment of originality. Like most animated films from Disney’s Pixar which often have a message to convey to children, Shark Tale's message about how one shouldn't be embarrassed by what their parents d0 for a living gets lost amidst all the endless references to adult movies past.

Grown-ups like me will no doubt be able to spot the trivial film references, but will kids? Do the young ones today know what cod and mussel are when it comes to marine biology or what the word "current" has to do with the ocean? Do any of them know who rocker Rod Stewart or actor Russell Crowe or NBC morning Today Show host Katie Couric are? If they don't, then I don't see how they will possibly be able to figure out the connection in "Shark Tale" between the names "Cod Stewart", "Mussel Crowe" or some famous news personality named "Katie Current", much less know the connection between Coca Cola and "Coral Cola."

Like last year's repulsive holiday live action rendition of "The Cat in the Hat" (2003) about the only thing kids will be able to relate to, other than the superior visuals, is the endless references to bodily functions. A belch, for example, emanates from a constipated whale who spits out some green goo that lands on Oscar's face. And an old shark that passes gas which causes the whale standing behind him to pass out.

They'll probably understand when Sykes (voiced by Martin Scorsese), a puffer fish who blows up every time he gets upset, shows Oscar where he stands on the list of things that are worthless.

"There is whale poo, and then there is you," Sykes says.

If they have seen Will Smith's television show, "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air" (1990-1996), they may be able to relate to the antics Oscar's character displays in "Shark Tale" like trying to talk his way out of being electrocuted by a couple of reggae singing jellyfish. You might call him, "The Fresh Fish of Bel Air" as he and Lenny concoct a scheme into making the local townspeople (excuse me, fish) think he is a shark slayer.

What made Pixar's animated movies so popular like "A Bug's Life" (1998) and "Finding Nemo" (2003) was the filmmakers never once took characters out of their natural setting and put them in a completely different environment. That's what made those pictures so believable.

The toys in "Toy Story" (1995) didn't work at a car wash the way the fish do in Shark Tale where whales are given a full-service cleaning. The fish in "Finding Nemo" didn't meet up with a band of Mafioso sharks led by Don Lemo (voiced by Robert De Niro) who gulp down champagne cocktails and eat scared shrimps who plead for their lives. Nor did the grasshoppers in A Bug's Life chomp down on a bag of Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

That's what we get in "Shark Tale." This is an underwater world that looks a lot like Manhattan's Times Square where fishes spray paint sayings on walls of old buildings and where underwater sea creatures attend races and place bets on sea horses.

I am still trying to figure out what the fish that resembled a police car used for lights on its head and how it made the siren sound. Would the idea have worked with a script kids could not only relate to, but one an adult could also appreciate? I don't know.

What I do know is where "Shark Tale" ranks and no, it's not below whale poo. It's the equivalent of the dead fish wrapped inside a brown paper package that arrived on the doorsteps of the Corleone family in "The Godfather" (1972) after the Don's right-hand man, Luca Brasi was knocked off.

When James Caan's Sonny Corleone asked what the point was behind the package, his henchman said it was a Sicilian message that meant Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.

What's worse? Whale poo or being placed alongside a package containing a dead fish?

©10/20/04

Appreciation: Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)

Like most Americans who flocked to their local video stores days after the September 11 terrorist attacks in 2001, I too, went searching for something to watch that, for a while, would take my mind off the tragic events going on in New York City, Washington, and Pennsylvania.

The one film I chose to see that week was “Caddyshack” (1980).

It would not surprise me if director and writer Harold Ramis allowed standup comic Rodney Dangerfield to write his own dialogue.

“This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it,” was one memorable line Dangerfield’s character uttered as the obnoxiously sloppy real estate developer Al Czervik.

“When Caddyshack came out, the reviewer in The New York Times said it was “immediately forgettable,” the comedian wrote in his 2004 autobiography, “It’s Not Easy Bein’ Me”. “Well, it grossed about $40 million at the time, and twenty years later, people are still repeating a lot of those “forgettable” lines.”

Then again, I knew who Rodney Dangerfield years before I saw "Caddyshack" on cable in the spring of 1982. Thanks to those Lite Beer commercials I often saw on weekends that aired on television, usually between sporting events, between 1973 and 1983, 81 ads in all.



That's how I became familiar with the bug-eyed comedian's most famous self-deprecating line, "I get no respect."

The clever humorous commercials not only featured Dangerfield but other known sports icons like John Madden, Bubba Smith, Bob Uecker, and Bill Martin.

I remember only two of the TV ads though. One was a bowling commercial where Dick Butkus complained to Budda Smith how a bowling ball had no holes in it. Smith took the ball and created three holes using his fingers.

Then someone asked, "Who's up next" to bowl and someone else yelled, "Rodney!"

Knowing the team members were screwed everyone yelled in disapproval, "RODNEY!"

In came Rodney Dangerfield ready to bowl.

"We just need one more pin, Rodney," warned one teammate.

The comedian's throw was perfect as the ball rolled down the center of the lane headed towards the leading pin. Anyone familiar with bowling knows this would have likely been a strike. Then again, he wasn't "Rodney Dangerfield."

Like a bird bouncing off a plain glass window after thinking it was really a hole it could fly through, the bowling ball bounced off the center pin and into the gutter. All ten pins standing.

Leave it to Rodney to fail at getting just that one pin!

The other was about "The Creature" which the same group of guys huddled around a campfire.

One of them tells a story about a creature known for terrorizing people in the woods.

Suddenly out from the branches comes Dangerfield.

"It's the creature," screamed someone and everyone scattered.

How I wish those commercials were available on DVD today. I recently searched online if those television advertisements were available for download. Sadly, the most I could come across was a 1984 book called "Lite Reading: The Lite Beer from Miller Commercial Scrapbook" by Frank Deford which was available for purchase.

The last film I saw Dangerfield in was a straight-to-video release last summer called “The 4th Tenor” (2002) in which he plays an Italian who thinks he can sing as good as Pavarotti. It was nothing like his three most memorable comedies from the early 80s I enjoyed most which aside from “Caddyshack” included “Easy Money” (1983) and “Back to School” (1986). Despite poor box office returns and bad reviews in such later films as “Rover Dangerfield” (1991), “Ladybugs “(1992) and “Meet Wally Sparks” (1997) the comedian turned actor did manage to churn out a couple memorable cameos over the years like in “Little Nicky” (2000) starring Adam Sandler as the misbegotten son of Satan.

“Even in Hell I get no respect,” said Dangerfield’s character.

According to the comedian’s bio, when Oliver Stone wanted him for a cameo in the controversial yet nauseatingly violent “Natural Born Killers” (1994) playing the sexually abusive father of Juliette Lewis, the Oscar winning director let him write his own lines.

It is obvious. Whenever Rodney Dangerfield was on the screen, it was rare for any scene to end without a laugh. You just knew he was either going to say something insulting about himself or someone else.

When Dangerfield passed away Oct. 8 at age 82, television newscasters said only a few words about how he got his start in show business and ran five minutes of his most memorably quick one-liners while newspaper obituaries ran with a sample of jokes taken from his website www.rodney.com.

On birth: “When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother.”

On marriage: “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!”

On having pets: “With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He doesn’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.”

On growing up: “When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.”

On dating: “I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”

On divorce: “When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me…and no one showed up.”

On having sex: “I’m not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.”

On buying computers: “I bought an Apple computer; it had a worm in it.”

On show business: “When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream.”

Regarding mortality, Dangerfield had this to say upon entering the hospital for heart valve replacement surgery August 24, according to imdb.com. “If things go right, I’ll be there about a week, and if things don’t go right, I’ll be there about an hour and a half.”

Even in death, Rodney Dangerfield had us all in stitches.

For a guy whose trademark line was saying how no one ever respected him and whose fame didn’t come until his early 40s that began in 1967 with his first appearance on “The Ed Sullivan Show” (1948-1971), he got more than enough respect from not just the likes of comedians Tim Allen, Jim Carrey, Bernie Mac, and Adam Sandler but thousands of fans as well.

©10/20/04

My Personal Worst Films: Team America: World Police (2004)

Team America: World Police NO STARS
R, 98m. 2004

Cast & Credits: Featuring the voices of Trey Parker (Gary Johnston/Joe/Hans Blix/Kim Jong Il/Carson/Drunk/Tim Robbins), Matt Stone (Chris), Kristen Miller (Lisa), Masasa (Sarah), Daran Norris (Spottswoode), Phil Hendrie (Intelligence), Maurice Lamarche (Alec Baldwin). Screenplay written by Trey Parker, Matt Stone and Pam Brady. Paramount Pictures presents a film directed by Trey Parker.

I once knew someone, back in my younger years, who did nothing but insult his closest friends. He made fun of everyone, if for no other reason so he could bring attention to himself. A lot of times, I noticed how others laughed at the clown’s insulting jokes with the exception of the person who he was directing them to or others stupidly just joined in. Either way, the more people listened to him, the more he continued to mock others.

Before long, the guy managed to alienate everyone around him so much so that he literally became a pariah.

I associate that person’s childish insulting and, in many ways, mean spirited antics to the stuff seen on screen in "Team America: World Police." Like "South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut" (1999), the film should have the words “Guaranteed to offend.” I think I laughed once watching "Team America: World Police" and that was when the director/recruiter of this small band (I guess you can call them superheroes in a way) tells his latest recruit, “There is no I in Team America.” Then a few seconds later, a computer says, “Yes there is.”

I am not a fan of filmmakers Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s popular series on Comedy Central called "South Park." I have probably only seen one or part of one episode thanks to someone at work who was watching it on his laptop computer in between taking calls. I was a little offended when I first saw "South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut" at theaters but I have to admit, the film grew on me. I found the songs clever, and, in a way, they even had a message to say (one song had the characters sing how youngsters should use other words in place of cusswords that start with the letters S and F when it comes to expressing how one feels). I laughed seeing former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein sing “I can change.”

Despite all the foul language uttered throughout "South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut", the one thing I admired about it was the message the film conveyed. The movie came out a few months after two misguided souls went on a killing spree at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado in April 1999. Part of the film’s plot had the obnoxious little tykes sneaking into an R rated film and upon doing so, they imitate everything they saw on the big screen that of course, ticks off the parents.

The Columbine tragedy ignited off the same old debate that happens every time someone goes on a murder spree in high school. There was the usual finger pointing in all directions as to who was to blame from heavy metal rock groups to Hollywood and the National Rifleman’s Association when in reality, the real blame should have been with the parents of the two kids.

"South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut" painted a silly picture of how society reacts when Hollywood becomes the target of concerned parents when the real fingers should be pointed at the ones responsible for raising the kids.

Maybe it’s just me but I went in hoping, and perhaps I should now say regrettably thinking "Team America: World Police" would have some message to say about the state the country is in right now given the many issues we are dealing with from terrorism and the war in Iraq to voting on who we think should be president the next four years.

This movie has nothing to say about world affairs. "Team America: World Police" is a vulgar, mean-spirited R rated rendition of the cheesy 1960s sci-fi series Thunderbirds (1965-1966) where the characters are wooden puppets on a string whose secret compound is inside Mount Rushmore. Whenever there is trouble, Team America comes to the rescue ready to battle terrorists to the tune of some heavy metal rock song with the words “American F--k yeah!!!”

The terrorists are taken out along with, as we see in the film’s opening moments that takes place in Paris, the Eiffel Tower and several other historical landmarks. Parker and Stone go after everyone from Hollywood left wing liberal celebrities such as Sean Penn, Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, George Clooney and Alec Baldwin to Hans Blix and Kim Jong II all of whom meet grisly deaths. Like Saddam Hussein singing “I can change,” we get a pale rendition of Kim Jong II walking through his vast palace singing how lonely he is.

The nagging question remains though. Why are the filmmakers making such celebrities and world figures their object or ridicule? About the only thing I can come up with is like that loser I knew years ago, they’re mocking these people just to stir up needless controversy.

I know. I know. There is no doubt in my mind this review is going to bring all the ones who give this film their highest recommendations out of the woodwork who will either tell me, “Dude, who pissed in your Wheaties this morning” or “It’s only a movie.” My question to them will be is were they drunk when they saw it? That’s the only way one can possibly laugh at the film’s notion of seeing Alec Baldwin preside over a group of outspoken Hollywood liberals who are members of the Film Actors Guild, otherwise known as F.A.G. Downing a six pack is the only way one could see anything funny about hearing a puppet sing “Everyone has AIDS” on Broadway as the filmmakers way of saying as a result of the world’s ignorance, the AIDS virus is now rampant in every country.

Hell, they’ll probably even cheer watching the Eiffel Tower go up in smoke since we damn red blooded Americans aren’t too happy with the French right now, given their negative stance towards our involvement in the war on Iraq.

The way I see it, this film appeals to only one group of individuals who, should we have another September 11 style attack on our shores again, will flock to their local video stores to rent a film like "Team America: World Police" so they can feel good about themselves watching the puppets blow away Osama bin Laden and his recruits.

The only thing I will walk away remembering is the many levels of vulgarity "Team America: World Police" stoops to as in the scene where a male and female puppet have sex in numerous positions (note-I am willing to bet the one reason why the Motion Picture Association stopped short of giving it an NC-17 rating was because the male puppet had no male anatomy). Then there is the speech, which I cannot print here but you can find the quote on www.imdb.com that puts Americans in three different categories. All I am going to say is of the three terms, one belongs to a female, one belongs to a male and both humans have both.

I have seen more than 60 movies at the box office this year. I enjoyed most of them. Some I liked marginally. A few I didn’t like at all. "Team America: World Police" is the first movie I have seen this year where I actually wanted my money back.

Is this movie bad? Let me put it to you in terms the World Police speak of, “F--k yeah!!!”

©10/15/04