"The Losers" of 2010

I guess I should be thankful I only listed 8 movies I found to be the worst of 2010 versus the usual 10 or more. Hollywood needs to start paying me to sit through this stuff instead of my paying them.

“Burlesque”: The story of a small-town Iowa farm girl (Christina Aguilera) hoping to make it on her own in Los Angeles as a singer has all the ingredients of what made the sexy “Flashdance” (1983) a successful box office hit, and the controversial NC-17 rated “Showgirls” (1995) into a cult movie. The problem with “Burlesque”, which also stars Cher as the owner of an L.A. adult nightclub is it lacks any sex appeal or sleaze, much less a memorable Oscar winning song. Don’t be fooled by the film’s recent Golden Globe nomination for Best Musical or Comedy. All the characters and situations are predictable clichés from better movies like “Flashdance” and “Showgirls”, which while not four-star flicks, they were still entertaining in their own way. I own “Flashdance” and although I loathed “Showgirls”, I still put it in the category of “Bad Movies I Love to Hate.” There is no denying Christina Aguilera and Cher have great singing voices. They deserve a movie musical worthy of that talent. The only reason to see “Burlesque” would be if Aguilera’s character got into a catfight with the strip joint’s self-absorbed diva played by Kristen Bell. Oh, how my mind wondered as to who might win if such a scene happened the way sci-fi geeks debate who would emerge victorious if Darth Vader and Darth Maul fought one another in a lightsaber duel, or if the Imperial Empire from the Star Wars movies can kick the Federation’s ass from the Star Trek series. That catfight in “Burlesque” never comes. The film, much like its title is a rip-off to get people in to see something where one is promised a lot of skin only to find out this was nothing more than just a big tease.

“Kick-Ass”: I don’t mind mindless cartoonish violence. The trouble with “Kick-Ass”, in which a nerdy high school kid named Dave (Aaron Johnson) gets inspired to become a superhero crimefighter named “Kick-Ass” because of the comic books he avidly reads, is that fantasy and reality don’t mix. Kick-Ass’ sudden popularity gives a widowed father and former police officer code named “Big Daddy” (Nicolas Cage) along with his 11-year-old daughter, code named “Hit Girl” (Chloe Grace Moritz), to become superheroes themselves as a means to settle a vendetta they have against a local mobster (Mark Strong). The film boasts less than a handful of humorous scenes with mock references to Batman and Superman as Dave’s friends, who have no idea he is “Kick-Ass”, asking themselves if Kick-Ass and another overnight superhero sensation named Red Mist (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) were in a fight, who would win. It’s like listening to die-hard Star Wars geeks ask each other if Darth Vader went up against Darth Maul, who would be victorious, or to be more precise, Batman versus Superman. Unfortunately, every memorable sequence like that is quickly ruined by unsettlingly violent sequences as when Hit Girl delivers her own brand of vigilante justice to the bad guys, all of whom eventually lie dead on the floor. There is something wrong when we see high school kids, in particular, an 11-year-old girl, acting out the same kind of blood thirsty violence that adult characters in movies do, like as though seeing someone crushed to death inside a trash compactor will have no effect on someone that young. I suppose I should be thankful that characters like Kick-Ass and Hit Girl killed off only the ones who had it coming to them. Their desire to become superheroes came from the comic books, if not from Big Daddy. At least they weren’t playing Doom and watching “Natural Born Killers” (1994) like the two young killers did as inspiration to murder fellow classmates at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado back in 1999 for no good reason.

“The Last Airbender”: Director M. Night Shyamalan’s fantasy based on the animated Nickelodeon cartoon series I have not seen is bad on so many levels I have no idea where to begin. I’d have to refer to the notes I should have taken while watching the film. I took none and I don’t know if it was because I was so taken aback by how bad this $150 million budgeted travesty was that I forgot. The film doesn’t even have the nerve to be a fun bad movie; one where you can at least get a few laughs while watching it. Even the special effects by the technological gurus at George Lucas’ Industrial Light and Magic who handled the Star Wars movies (1977-2005) are a visual eye sore and that’s without the cheap 3D sunglasses. Fans, mostly kids of the Nickelodeon television show will be quick to embrace the big screen version, if for no other reason that the film is in 3D and focuses on the story of a young boy named Aang (Noah Ringer) who is to quote the Star Wars prequels, “The Chosen One” who can bring the Water, Air and Earth Nations together to stop the Fire Nation (hint-their ships run on pyrotechnics and dark smoke) from world domination with the help of his mind bending skills and I assume his karate or judo expertise. I am not sure kids will feel the same way about the film as they get older. Ever since Shyamalan surprised audiences with the supernatural thriller, “The Sixth Sense” (1999), his greatest weakness has been how his supernatural/science fiction/horror movies always end with an unexpected twist. They are like eating a box of Cracker Jacks with a surprise inside. “The Last Airbender” offers no surprising twists near the end other than revealing once the end credits have rolled that Shyamalan made a bad movie.

“The Lovely Bones”: Every notable filmmaker makes a dud now and then. Steven Spielberg had “1941” (1979). Francis Ford Coppola had “One from the Heart” (1982). George Lucas had “Howard the Duck” (1986) and depending on who one talks to, the Star Wars prequels (1999-2005). Now Oscar winning director Peter Jackson, best known for the epic The Lord of the Rings trilogy (2001-2003) and the faithful but extra-long “King Kong” (2005) delivers this depressingly morbid story about a young girl (Saorise Ronan) who is murdered by the child molester (Stanley Tucci) across the street. The film is told from the dead girl’s point of view in her own version of Heaven, or Purgatory depending on your religious beliefs about the afterlife as she observes her grieving family’s attempt to cope with her untimely passing. Fans of author Alice Sebold’s 2002 book, on which the film is based, criticized how the dead girl’s murder was not done in more graphic detail. On that level I was thankful. I can also understand the reason Jackson chose this as his next project was, he thought he could incorporate fantasy type sequences creating a beautiful world for the dead girl to roam through. The trouble is once you take out those fantasy sequences, all that’s left is the kind of sad child abduction story we see told too often on the evening news. A child is abducted and murdered. Family members are left to grieve. Police have few leads, and the killer gets his eventual just deserts.

“MacGruber”: Here is an example of the kind of gutter bathroom humor you will find in MacGruber. In one scene, to distract the bad guys, ex-Green Beret, Navy Seal, Army Ranger MacGruber (Will Forte) strips naked and does a little dance with a stick of celery sticking out his ass. In the next scene once the bad guys have been taken out, MacGruber, this time back in civilian clothes, chomps down on that same stick of celery, which his partner and love interest Vicki St. Elmo (Kristen Wiig) calls gross. “Relax, I washed it,” MacGruber says as he takes another bite of what was sticking up his rear end minutes before. The villain who MacGruber is assigned to take out is called Dieter Von Cunth, played by a surprisingly pudgy Val Kilmer (“The Doors”-1991) who has plans to wipe out the entire United States government with a missile when the president makes his speech before congress. Given the film’s below the waist bathroom humor, I suspect there is only one reason why Kilmer’s character is called “Cunth.” It’s so MacGruber can utter the same word numerous times but without the “h” at the end, which I won’t say here except to say it’s a word men and women don’t like being called. MacGruber only appeals to two kinds of viewers. The first are those adults, who as kids, failed to graduate kindergarten and bribed teachers to pass them through grade school. To this day, they still find such scenes like the ones I am about to describe here laugh out loud funny as seeing the hero urinate on the villain’s burning corpse near the end, for example. Or seeing MacGruber have sex with the ghost of his dead wife (Maya Rudolph) at a cemetery, asking someone to either suck his you know what or say to someone how honored they’d be if they were asked to suck someone else’s you know what, and drawing pictures of taking a dump on someone they don’t like. I think the only reason the film had no fart jokes in it is because it was already done plenty of times in a “South Park” or “Family Guy” episode. The second group, and there must be a very small, miniscule group of people out there given the film’s box office take of just $4 million opening weekend at number 6 (not good for a debut), appeals only to those familiar with Forte’s character on “Saturday Night Live.” There is only one person to blame for this latest grossly unfunny, unnecessary SNL turned movie idea’s box office failure and that lies solely on the shoulders of Forte, who also wrote the screenplay. As his character says when taken off the case by his superior officer (Powers Boothe), “I have only myself to blame.”

“A Nightmare on Elm Street”: There is only one reason why this most unnecessary remake of Wes Craven’s 1984 horror classic grossed over $32 million opening weekend making it number one at the box office. The answer has to do with Jackie Earle Haley, last seen as the faceless anti-hero Rorschach in last Spring’s anti-hero epic, “Watchmen” (2009). Here Haley now dons the black and red striped sweater, hat, and four bladed metallic hand as a supernatural child serial murderer who haunts the dreams of high school teenagers on Elm Street. I know in the minds of horror geeks, were it not for the desire to see Haley as Freddy Krueger in a role first made famous by Robert Englund back in over a handful of follow-ups the past two decades, there would be no reason to see this retread of “A Nightmare on Elm Street.” When will horror want-to-be movie makers learn the reason films like Craven’s original Nightmare was so effective in a fun, creepy way, and even suspenseful, was because they were made on very low budgets. The original was by no means a classic but the idea was clever in a grotesque way. This latest Elm Street reincarnation is a nightmare and not the kind where you are scared to go to sleep. It’s the kind where you are so bored watching what’s on screen, you are fighting to stay awake. There is no jump out of your seat surprises like in the predecessor as Freddy terrorizes his victims with his metallic four clawed hand wherever and whenever they are sleeping from classrooms and basements to bathrooms and bedrooms. For horror buffs younger than twenty with little or no knowledge that there was an original “A Nightmare on Elm Street” decades before, they will be more than happy to accept Haley as their Freddy Krueger. For us old folks like me who tire of Hollywood revamping the old stuff, there is only ONE Freddy Kruger, and he was the nightmarish ghoul Robert Englund played. This redo makes me want to say, “Goodnight Freddy and good riddance.”

“Piranha 3D”: “There’s a sucker born every minute,” according to P.T. Barnum. I was one of those who fell for the “Piranha 3D” trailer though my interest in seeing it was not necessarily the curiosity factor to see how the remake would be turned into a bloodbath. My curiosity stemmed from the casting of Richard Dreyfuss (in a cameo echoing his other character in “Jaws” (1975) as he sings “Show me the way to go home” before becoming lunch meat. Also featured was Academy Award nominee Elisabeth Shue (what was the last movie she did?) as a local sheriff, Ving Rhames, Jerry O’Connell, and Christopher Lloyd. For the first half hour, “Piranha 3D” offered some promise that this might not be so much a remake as it may be a fun homage to Steven Spielberg’s “Jaws.” Instead of a great white shark bringing about financial ruin for a beachfront town, it’s a slew of prehistoric fish. Then the piranha strike and the remaining hour is dedicated to devising lots of gruesome ways for young spring break vacationers to become members of a food chain. This might be entertaining for horror enthusiasts who crave nothing more. That’s not what the original 1978 version, which was done on a very low budget, offered. The predecessor, much like a lot of effective horror cult movies of the past did, proved filmmakers can make viewers uneasy without a huge budget. Even more of a joke was the 3D where the sunglasses provided were even cheaper than the black plastic ones moviegoers get when they see movies in 3D on Imax. I could not tell what the fish were biting and the only real good laugh, which could be seen as a clever piece of shock value is when one of the piranha bites off Jerry O’Connell’s penis and spits it out. I felt a lot like that piranha did. Just days before I ate a Chicago Italian sausage sandwich where the meat was “hard” and burnt and I too, felt like spitting it out.

“Skyline”: I am starting to wonder if filmmakers are not so much interested in wowing audiences with a great story and characters as they are in love with today’s computer software technology they can use to make movies. According to IMDB trivia there was no screenplay for “Skyline” written yet when the clever trailer appeared late last year, which showed a clip of former CBS news anchor Dan Rather talking about aliens visiting from outer space. “Skyline” is just one big alien invasion monster movie where nothing makes any sense and where the hope of humanity rests on a small group of rich condo residents and partygoers whose brains and spinal cords eventually become alien food. This movie has everything in terms of visuals except intelligence, which explains why those monsters from outer space needed those human brains.

Close But No Cigar Movies – Films that weren’t necessarily the worst and “almost” succeeded in winning me over but failed in the end: “The A-Team”, “After.Life”, “Case 39”, “The Crazies”, “Date Night”, “Edge of Darkness”, “The Expendables”, “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows: Part 1”, “Hereafter”, “Jonah Hex”, “The Last Exorcism”, “Legion”, “The Losers”, “Machete”, “The Next Three Days”, “The Other Guys”, “Paranormal Activity 2”, “Predators”, “Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time”, “Red”, “Repo Men”, “Robin Hood”, “The Runaways”, “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice”.

©12/25/10

I finally found the BEST movie theater

Anyone who tells me their idea of the perfect movie-watching experience is going to 30-plus screen multiplexes with lobbies filled with arcade games and small auditoriums should get their head examined.

My idea of the perfect movie theater is one with a handful of auditoriums and cold air. By the time the lights dim, and the film starts, you feel warm, perhaps because the movie you are about to see is worth your time.

When I was young, going to see a movie felt like an event - in part because back in the 1980s, blockbuster movies were not released on 1,000-plus-screens on opening weekend. That number was usually in the low hundreds, and, at some places, you actually had to wait in lines that stretched around the block.

The true movie-going experience ended for me when the General Cinema Northpark 1 & 2 Theater closed in the 1990s. Back then, those two screens were the largest in the Dallas area, next to the United Artists Galaxy 9 in Garland.

Since then, I have been going to see movies at a multiplex in Mesquite.

What irritates me most about this theater is seeing security guards in orange jackets patrolling the movie theater parking lot during the day.

I expect to see this kind of police presence on college campuses and shopping malls.

I have never expected it to be like this in Mesquite. At least it wasn't when I first moved here 26 years ago.

I now think I may have found the perfect movie theater – at the AMC Firewheel in Garland.

No, it is not like the Northpark 1 & 2 but these days, what movie theater is?

I won't deny that Firewheel has some quirks.

When I saw “Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps” (2010), I noticed they didn't have the film, or the times listed at the box office. I began to worry I was at the wrong theater.

Then there was the $8 admission price at Firewheel. At the Mesquite theater, I pay $7.50 for a matinee. I didn't bother questioning the higher admission price. I wasn't going to let an additional 50-cent increase ruin my day.

Upon getting my ticket and walking into the lobby, I noticed how courteous the two ushers were who took my ticket and my drink order at the counter. The usher even kindly told me that when I go to Theater 14, I will notice the sign doesn't say "Wall Street" but is still the correct auditorium.

I don't think I have ever gotten this kind of service in Mesquite.

I was taken by complete surprise at the front counter when the server didn't fill up my drink. Instead, he just handed me the large plastic cup and told me to go to the self-serve vending machines to get it. He even said if I need any assistance figuring out how to use the vending machine to let him know.

I thought to myself, this person, or the theater management are literally breaking their backs to make us patrons welcome here.

Before I went to Firewheel, I had always believed these multi-screen movie theaters merely showed films on large television screens. I felt that way as I walked down that brief hallway inside Theater 14. On entering the auditorium, I felt like I was reenacting that scene in “Clerks” (1994) where Randall, the rude independent video store clerk, drops to his knees in awe, thinking he is in Heaven after stepping into a corporate-owned video store resembling Blockbuster Video.

The screen in Theater 14, though not quite as huge as Garland's Galaxy 9, was acceptable, and the seats were actually comfortable. Despite being attached together in rows, I was able to lean as far back as I wanted, and the entire place literally spelled the word "cleanliness."

I was so impressed by how clean the theater was that for the first time in my life since going to the movies, I picked up my trash and actually threw it out instead of leaving it on the seat or on the floor for the ushers to clean up after the film was over.

And as I walked out the door, the usher kindly said, "Have a good day, sir."

What I know now is that if I am going to be blowing anywhere from $8 to $30 to see a movie, I am going to make sure I get my money's worth. Screw this idea of going to the closest theater simply because it's convenient.

Today, I want quality!

©11/10/10

Who doesn't love "train wrecks?"

“People love train wrecks. People want us to do more of it because it’s good for the ratings,” said host Barbara Walters during an Oct. 18 segment of "The View" (1997-Present).

The comment was in response to the Oct. 14 fireworks where co-hosts Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar walked off the stage following conservative Fox host Bill O’Reilly’s comment that “Muslims killed us on 9/11.”

The brief controversial segment made entertainment headlines and like most other infamous “train wrecks” of the past, it was widely viewed on www.youtube.com.

I admit it. I am a sucker for a good “train wreck.” The View’s O’Reilly controversy is one of a series of past verbal smack downs I have enjoyed watching.

No sooner after viewing that segment on YouTube I searched for the Fox host confronting Democratic congressman Barney Frank on the financial crisis on "The O’Reilly Factor" (1996-2017).

I did not have to search very long for it.

As the saying goes, “Controversy sells” whether O’Reilly is right or not. From a personal standpoint, I don’t agree with him, despite his on-air apology, if he offended anyone to the audience, Walters, and hosts Sherri Shepherd and Elizabeth Hasselbeck seconds after Goldberg and Behar walked off. O’Reilly clarified that when he said “Muslims attacked us on 9/11” he didn’t imply “all” Muslims.

Regardless, I still take a majority of what O’Reilly and other right-wing conservative pundits say today that include Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh with a light grain of salt.

“He (Bill O’Reilly) loves this,” Walters said. “He loves to pull your chain. He loves to get you angry. This is just what he wanted.”

Sure, sometimes these conservative commentators are correct. I do, however, find that some of what they say is too far over the top and uncalled for.

I may not care the least for the job President Obama is doing so far for the country, but I am not going to call his policies “Jackassian” as Rush Limbaugh has said in recent weeks on his radio show. He is still our president.

First Lady Michelle Obama is a beautiful woman with a lot of class. To this day I still don’t understand why conservative talk show host Tammy Bruce said in reference to her during a March 23, 2009, radio segment that “We got trash in the White House.”

Just because Bill O’Reilly says 70 percent of Americans don’t want the mosque built near Ground Zero does not mean all Americans say, “Muslims attacked us on 9/11” and condemn an entire religion. We were attacked by extremists and those are the ones America has to continue to watch out for.

Mad magazine may have been parodying the recent box office flop "The A-Team" (2010) on their website at www.dccomics.com/mad/ when they used O’Reilly’s likeness as Hannibal, Sean Hannity as Face, and Glenn Beck as Mr. T calling them “The A-Hole Team” with the comment at the bottom of the poster saying “They love it when a rant comes together.” As a result of O'Reilly's comment, I am beginning to wonder if some of these conservative pundits really are “The A-Hole Team.”

I am starting to think some of them are just as bad, if not worse, as a majority of today’s liberal Hollywood elite who instead of doing what they are paid to do and entertain audiences, they put their foot in their mouths once too often and offer personal opinions on serious matters when half the time, they may not even know what they are talking about. They just antagonize opposing guests and callers to get them upset and get audiences wanting more.

What’s even sadder is some followers stupidly believe them instead of taking what they say and do for what it is, entertainment. Bill O’Reilly is as much an entertainer as the ladies of The View.

I don’t agree with what Goldberg and Behar did in storming off the stage. If I had been in their place and was that infuriated, I would have stuck around and debated O’Reilly further (both did come back on stage a few minutes later). I do, however, respect their justifications on why they left. They are as much as entitled to their opinion and do what they want as Bill O’Reilly.

What’s unfortunate is, as Walters said on the Oct. 18 segment, we do live in a country right now “that’s full of rage” and that’s from both sides of the political spectrum.

We don’t know how to have serious discussions with one another “without fury, without rage, without screaming, without obscenities, without walking off.”

The fact is if none of this went on with no hope of seeing any fireworks on live television or the radio, no one would watch and listen.

On-air “train wrecks” always generate ratings and for less than 15 minutes, the O’Reilly/Behar-Goldberg walk-off was a much talked about Internet sensation.

©10/23/10

“The Most Interesting Man In the World” -- for president!

Whereas the focus right now is on the anticipated Nov. 2 congressional mid-term elections, where a number of Tea Partyers, independents, conservatives and right-wing radio talk show hosts predict -- as Darth Vader says in "Star Wars" (1977), “This will be a day long remembered,” when most of the Democratic party are voted out of office, my thoughts are not on a possible Republican victory.

I am more interested in who the top GOP contenders might be in 2012 against President Obama. A recent Gallup poll taken Sept. 25-26 suggests the top three contenders are former Mass. Governor Mitt Romney with 19 percent, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin at 16 percent, and former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee at 12 percent. One other person I think should also be added to the list of possible candidates. I predict this individual might even beat out all the contenders for the No. 1 spot.

I am not putting myself in the running. Like conservative talk show hosts Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity, who are often urged by faithful listeners to run for president, I offer the same advice: I don't want the job. Though I wouldn’t mind all the presidential perks I would get after serving four years in office.

The person I want to run doesn’t seem to have an actual name. I had to type in such things as “Dos Equis Infomercial” on the Internet to find out who this mysterious actor is in much the same way I would find out who the actresses are who play Flo on those Progressive ads or the scolding mother on those AT&T rollover minutes commercials.

Of course, it’s not actor Jonathan Goldsmith, who has been seen on those clever humorous Dos Equis ads boasting that heavy beard and deep thick accent who I want to see run for president. The larger-than-life character Goldsmith plays in those popular infomercials known as “The Most Interesting Man in the World” is whom I want on that short list.

Go to Google.com and type in “The Most Interesting Man in the World” and you will find that the system returns 214,000,000 results. I found a website called themostinterestingmanintheworld.net, where you can watch and read all the latest ads and memorable lines which are uttered by frontline actor/narrator Will Lyman.

When asked by an entertainment reporter on a YouTube segment in 2009 how he felt to be “the king of informercials,” Goldsmith, who made television appearances on such shows as "Dallas", "T.J. Hooker", "Knots Landing", "Murder She Wrote", "The A-Team" and "Highway to Heaven" said, “It feels wonderful.”

“I have been an actor for many years, and I’ve never had the accolades this wonderful campaign has brought to me, so I feel very blessed,” said Goldsmith “Very lucky. You know I am not 33 anymore.”

Kids apparently even want to be “The Most Interesting Man” when they grow up, Goldsmith told the reporter.

“I was sitting in a little restaurant the other day and a fellow came over and he said, ‘You’re the guy’ and I said ‘yes’ and said he asked his 7-year-old son yesterday “what do you want to do when you grow up?” Goldsmith said. “He (the 7-year-old) said ‘I want to be The Most Interesting Man in the World.’ Made me feel good.”

Watching those Dos Equis commercials, I can’t help but ask, “Who wouldn’t want to be the most interesting man in the world?” A woman?

Quite frankly, I’d have no problems asking such a person for directions, knowing that I’d never get lost and would arrive five minutes early. With all this recent talk going on about how UFOs have been tampering with the nation’s nuclear missile guidance systems and conspiracy theorists continue to ask if we are really alone in the universe, it’s nice to know that somewhere out there, extraterrestrials have asked “The Most Interesting Man” “to probe them.”

As fed up as I am getting with both the Republican and Democratic parties, perhaps “The Most Interesting Man” should run as an independent. I have always believed there now needs to be a third party as the two current ones in power are not doing the country much good.

Even “The Most Interesting Man” doesn’t seem to think much of the two-party system.

“The after party is the one you want to attend,” he says.

This country seriously needs a president where Americans hang on to his every word -- “Even the prepositions.” Our next president should be a man “who lives vicariously through himself” and whose reputation expands “faster than the universe.”

Perhaps “The Most Interesting Man” could make America great again where other countries around the world list him as their emergency contact number. We need a leader where other countries will see as “a lover, not a fighter” but also a fighter so our adversaries won’t get any ideas.

As a means of defending our country, the Most Interesting Man says, “the right look should suffice” before leaving viewers with a no-nonsense stare.

If “the Most Interesting Man” were to run for president and actually win, I believe he might even be able to capture Osama bin Laden himself, disarming the Al-Qaeda leader with his looks “or his hands. Either way.”

Given I am on the subject of repeating various Dos Equis one-liners, allow me to come up with one further comment using Will Lyman’s voice. Perhaps this can be used as The Most Interesting Man’s presidential campaign slogan.

“If asked by reporters why he’s failed to improve the nation’s unemployment as president, you will never hear him say, 'I blame Bush.'"

Like the Most Interesting Man who doesn’t always drink beer, I too never touch the stuff but when I do, it’s usually margaritas or Eggnog and Bourbon during the Christmas and New Years’ holidays.

Stay thirsty, my fellow Americans.

©10/6/10

Reality television far removed from what’s real

Can you put up with watching the boss of a company you work for argue back and forth with his son in front of other employees almost every day?

If you answered yes then you must be the kind of person who craves such so-called reality television shows like “American Chopper,” “Hell’s Kitchen,” “The Apprentice,” and the slew of other such ridiculous programs on the flat screened idiot box. Or you think this stuff goes on and is tolerated in real life.

I am not into reality television shows. In fact, I really don’t watch that much television to begin with. The only reason I have the TV on is to have something to listen to while I’m doing something else. It’s only a rarity that I will stop what I am doing and watch a program thanks to what I am hearing.

That’s the only reason I tuned into such shows as “The Apprentice” (2004) and “Hell’s Kitchen” (2005). What got my attention was hearing Donald Trump in the boardroom listen to excuses why s0-so and so failed at their tasks before Trump said those two famous words, “You’re fired.”

I found “Hell’s Kitchen” twice as entertaining watching celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay lose his temper during lunch and dinner services. When he is not busy calling someone who could be the next head chef at one of his restaurants in Las Vegas a “dumb blonde” or a “fucking donkey,” Ramsay is insulting customers who ask where their food is.



“I will give you more pumpkin risotto right up your fucking ass,” he tells a patron in one episode who has yet to be served the dinner he ordered an hour ago. “Would you like it whole or diced?”

By comparison, I am not into motorcycles. The only reason I have browsed YouTube searching for clips of “American Chopper” recently is to watch Paul Teutel Sr. scold his son, Paul Jr. for always arriving late to work, complaining how the workplace is always a mess, and he never has checklist of what’s been ordered.

Die hard fans of “American Chopper” most likely know how many office doors and windows have been replaced at the Teutel’s motorcycle fabrication company, Orange County Choppers, in Montgomery, New York. I wonder if the number of custom-built motorcycles they’ve done is higher or lower than the number of battles the father and his two sons have had.

If TLC or whoever is the distributor has rights to the series, were to release season box sets on DVD, I’d buy them just to see the fights. Or better still, I’d welcome a compilation of all the arguments that have occurred over the show’s six-year run.



As the elder Teutel’s older son, Michael said on YouTube clip I saw, “Fights around here have become legendary.”

I should have realized that judging how fake most all these other reality shows are with embarrassing background music that builds up whenever someone is either fired, yelled at or put on the spot.

When the elder Teutel fired his son, Paul, during season 6 that ended in February this year, I wondered, for a brief second, if that was for real. Maybe it is and the two just can’t work together. OR maybe it’s all for ratings and to pave the way for a new series called “American Chopper: Senior vs. Junior” that premiered Aug. 12 on TLC. The title explains it all. Both are now working separately with Paul Jr. starting up his own motorcycle company.



“He has never followed through one thing in his life,” the elder Teutel says of his son in the TLC promotion. “They could never in a million years build a bike like we can.”

It reminds me of the run-ins I witnessed at a college newspaper I worked at decades ago, between the editor and his best friend, whom he hired one semester as a photographer who argued on what photos should go in for that week’s issue. When the editor wasn’t busy dealing with him, he was busy fending off other photographers questioning his decision to shoot photos himself of a school fire when he should have assigned other photographer. At other times, the managing editor and his girlfriend, who was the graphics editor at the time, argued with one another.

I admit I enjoyed seeing this play out. The fact is, though, that it was detrimental to the workplace environment.

The activities seen on “American Chopper,” not to mention all the other reality television shows, are all entertainment. Maybe it’s just me but I don’t believe this kind of stuff is likely tolerated in the workplace and if it is, it shouldn’t be.

If these reality television shows prove anything, it’s to show viewers how NOT to act in real life.

©8/24/10

President Obama's vision of ‘best teachers’ questionable

President Barack Obama’s recent remarks about how teachers rather than celebrities like Snooki should be idolized in this country got me thinking about the best teachers I had from grade school on up.

I will be frank here. I didn’t particularly like the instructors who influenced me. The dislike started with practically all the nuns who taught me in grade school.

Sister Petronia, my first-grade teacher, for example, had two trademarks for which I didn’t care. One was when a student stepped out of line, she always declared, “I’m ashamed of you.” And when that student, or any student for that matter, stepped out of line, she’d go out of her way to embarrass that person.

Whenever she’d look inside a student’s desk and find a mess, she’d pick up the desk, allowing everything inside to slide out in front of the class. The embarrassed student was left to pick up a month’s worth of assignments and parental notices that should have gone home.

I suspect if she caught a student with food, even God wouldn’t be able to bail him out.

My second-grade teacher, Sister Cresentine, was a humorous elderly lady when in a good mood. If you got on her bad side, she’d throw a textbook at you from across the room, telling you to go back and re-study the material.

My seventh-grade teacher, Sister Julleta, who taught religion classes and was in charge of the altar boys, was like Sister Cresentine when it comes to exhibiting her wrath on a student if they stepped out of line. If a student was not careful, Sister Julleta could be their own worst enemy. To this day, I still wonder if she actually struck a student I saw her disciplining in the hallway one year.

There were lessons to be learned from those nuns. I assume in Sister Petronia’s case; she wanted the students to have some respect for themselves. On the other hand, their goal was to not be liked anyway. They were there to teach and administer discipline when the situation warranted it.

By comparison, the best teachers I had in high school were far fewer than the handful of survivors rescued at the end of the ocean liner disaster movie, “The Poseidon Adventure” (1972).

I was thankful that my freshman algebra teacher, Mr. McClusky, doubled as the school’s winning basketball coach and, I was told by a fellow classmate that the guy supposedly hated freshman to the point he came off as a drill sergeant when conducting class.

I wouldn’t be surprised if any students heard his voice from across the hall as he yelled at students for making stupid mistakes when doing algebra problems. He always called me “Joseph,” a name only used by my mother.

Whenever students scored poorly on their tests, McClusky would make them redo the problems again and then write ten times, “I will not make silly mistakes.”

I could have used someone like him for the Algebra II course I took my sophomore year and geometry my junior year as I learned next to nothing. Taking those two upper-level courses, I still to this day wonder who was more of a joke. My fellow classmates, most of whom did nothing but pass notes, talked during class, stole others’ homework, and cheated on tests? Or the instructors who didn’t know shit about how to control a f-----g, g-----n class so the rest of us could learn?

I did not care much for Mr. Poundstone, my junior-year ethics instructor who attended the University of Oxford because he wouldn’t administer multiple choice tests nor did he advocate giving extra credit assignments. His tests were always essay and short-answer questions to determine if you knew the material.

The same went for Father Martin, the instructor who taught social issues my senior year like a college course, which in a way, it was.

When I started college, I got the impression the professors didn’t give a damn whether you attended class. If you didn’t show up and study, you failed. Their job wasn’t to keep after you like your parents.

Dr. Bridges, my media law instructor, who also doubled as my Reporting II professor, got onto me for not taking his journalism courses seriously. Like my first-grade teacher, Sister Petronia, who had no qualms about embarrassing students, Dr. Bridges one time asked me why I didn’t show up for his Reporting II class one day. My reason being was because I was working on a story for the campus newspaper, which I got drafted into doing. An excuse he didn’t accept and rightfully so. He told me in front of other students in the lab that I had better get my priorities straight.

Given the great number of red marks I got on my reporting assignments in Dr. Bridges’ Reporting II course, which suggested I did not know how to write worth a damn, I wondered if the professor who taught me Reporting I, where I got a better grade than the C I received from Dr. Bridges, knew what she was doing.

Are these nuns, high school teachers, and college professors the kinds of instructors President Obama would like to see “idolized” on the front covers of magazines, as opposed to celebrities? Were these the kinds of instructors who made a difference in my life? I am not sure. As I said, I didn’t care much for their strict teaching methods. At least, however, I walked away either having learned the material or realized there was no such thing as an easy A.

©8/17/10

"Torture Porn" - the new craze in disgustingly violent movies!

“It’s just torture and murder. No plot, no characters. Very, very realistic. I think it’s what’s next.”

So said Max Renn, the sleazy cable TV programmer as played by James Woods in director David Cronenberg’s "Videodrome" (1983) who stumbles upon a phantom satellite signal that shows young women being tortured 24/7 by men in leather masks.

The comment Woods’ character says seems certainly appropriate in today’s movie world unfortunately. The past few years filmmakers have attempted to pass their sick works showing innocent characters in despicably unthinkable predicaments as so-called entertainment. Watching them go through such imaginative acts of masochism, the only hope I could have for the characters is that death comes quickly, even if it's just a movie.

Films like the Saw franchise (2004-2010), which has been going strong at the box office since the first one was released in 2004, P2 (2007), Captivity (2007), Eli Roth’s "Hostel" (2005) and "Hostel: Part II" (2007), and The Disappearance of Alice Creed (2009), currently in limited theatrical release, all feature characters, women in particular, being brutally terrorized. Perhaps a new category should be created. Instead of a horror or psychological section, these movies, some of which boast unrated extended versions when released on DVD and Blu-ray, should be placed into a category called “Torture Porn.”

I came to that conclusion after reading a May 11 article on CNN about the most recent horror film, "The Human Centipede" (2009), which got a lot of attention last Spring after being granted a limited release in theaters showing independent movies. The controversy over the film was far from the positive word-of-mouth last October's unexpected supernatural box office hit, "Paranormal Activity" (2009), received.

The highest amount of praise "The Human Centipede" received came from Entertainment Weekly movie critic, Owen Gleiberman, who awarded it a B+. Gleiberman opened his April 30 review saying how certain horror-film junkies, which he calls himself, "craves the extreme and the dosage of awesome ickiness has to keep getting upped."

The worst review came from Chicago Sun-Times movie critic Roger Ebert who gave it no stars in his May 5 critique saying, "the star rating system is unsuited to this film."

"Is the movie good? Is it bad? Does it matter? It is what it is and occupies a world where the stars don't shine," Ebert wrote.

For those not familiar with the never-been-done before premise which on that level I do give Centipede director Tom Six a small, miniscule of credit, let me enlighten you. Two American women on vacation overseas are kidnapped by a brilliant yet demented German surgeon (Dieter Laser) who has plans of connecting their digestive tracts from mouth to anus to a male victim he’s already got imprisoned in his secluded home, hence “the human centipede.” Just try watching that as you and your significant other are munching down on your popcorn and Raisinets in the privacy of your own home as the first victim in the chain has to defecate, as described in the CNN article.

Don’t lie. I know for a fact just reading that description is enough to peak your grim curiosity. You know you want to watch. Personally, I don’t see where the entertainment value is in any of this. I challenge anyone who can offer up a good enough reason to justify sitting through such celluloid junk that if it were any worse and people were actually murdered on screen, they’d be snuff films.

I, for one, am thankful I still have not seen the original "Saw" (2004) and "Hostel" (2007) and won’t be seeing them anytime soon except maybe to bash them in a review. I did not like "P2" (2007) and the most I saw of "Hostel: Part II" (2007) was about five- or ten-minutes' worth while flipping channels. I was just in time to see some poor female character hung upside down and having her back torn to shreds by a nude woman wielding a scythe as she bathes in the victim’s blood. Then there was the ending I later caught of a group of young kids kicking around a woman’s decapitated head like a soccer ball. Nice, huh?

The way I see it movies like these are for two, if not three groups of viewers. The first are those who continue to annoy the living crap out of me every time there is a bad accident on the interstate. They always slow down when I am trying to get somewhere, and I could care less what the Hell’s going on.

There is only one reason why drivers do this and it's not to stop, get out and help. They slow down in hopes they will see some bodies, buckets of blood, body parts or a combination of all three lying on the road.

The second group is those who want to sexually get off seeing themselves as either the one in the films doing the terrorizing or as the victim.

I don’t mind controversial movies so long as the filmmaker is trying to make a point with the unpleasant subject matter. I did not like Videodrome and found it to be a trashy, weird, sci-fi, horror movie that featured Deborah Harry of the singing group, Blondie. I did, however, see the point Cronenberg attempted to get across. That point was no matter how disgusting and violent a movie is, some, if not all people can’t bring themselves to NOT watch it. It’s almost like a sick addiction.

If there is any point in making graphically violent movies today like "The Human Centipede" or the upcoming remake of "I Spit on Your Grave" (2010) due out this October, I suspect it’s to see how far a filmmaker can go in grossing out their viewers. There is no entertainment in that.

As Woods’ Max Renn says when he stumbled upon that satellite signal in Cronenberg’s film, these movies being released today, even if they’re just films, have no plot and no characters. It’s just torture and murder.

Oh, how I really wish that wasn’t so.

©8/7/10

No way to understand why some people go off the deep end

For as long as I live, I am never going to understand why people choose suicide or murder/suicide as a way out of their problems.

I didn’t understand it before hearing the tragic news of Coppell Mayor Jayne Peters murdering her 19-year-old daughter, Corrine, on the morning of July 12 before taking her own life.

I don’t understand it now, nor will I bother attempting to. I just don’t want to believe it.

The closest I have come to understanding what might be going through the mind of a suicidal individual was watching director Peter Jackson’s depressing child abduction movie, "The Lovely Bones" (2009), earlier this year.

The film is told from a young dead girl’s perspective as she watches over her grieving family from where I assume is Heaven. The best scenes I found were those imaginative “heavenly” sequences. They were so beautiful that I thought that fantasy world was much better than the one inhabited by the living.

I have to wonder if the kind of Heaven seen in "The Lovely Bones" is the type of world clinically depressed individuals believe they will be going to minutes after they’ve ended their lives here on Earth. If so, I’d venture to say depending on one’s beliefs about God, Heaven, Hell and eternal damnation, that person is in for a rude awakening.

I have gone through bouts of depression and encountered financial difficulties in my life. I don’t know of anyone who hasn’t in these trying economic times. For every moment I have been down in the dumps, however, I have always bounced back. As someone once told me, “It’s always darkest before the dawn.” I just don’t see how things could be so bad as to not only want to end their own life but the life or the lives of someone close to them, if not complete strangers.

Much has been revealed in the weeks since the tragedy. Peters, who ran unopposed for mayor of Coppell in May 2009, was about to be investigated for personal charges she made on her city issued credit card. The Peters’ home had almost been foreclosed three times over the past year.

A recent news story revealed that Coppell High School where Corrine graduated from earlier this past spring had no records of her requesting her transcripts be sent to the University of Texas at Austin where friends assumed she would be attending this fall.

Internet readers and radio listeners have voiced their opinions on local talk shows citing possible factors that might have brought Jayne Peters to commit such a heinous, selfish act. Perhaps it was the husband, who passed away in January 2008 from cancer, who failed to make sure his family was financially secure after he died.

I wouldn’t be surprised if some say the Peters tragedy is the latest reason why America SHOULD have government run health care. People will probably argue that it doesn’t take long for families to be put in the poor house when their medical insurance doesn’t cover all the life-threatening treatments a family member suffers from.

Some probably blame the high school counselors at Coppell High School who wonder why they failed to ask Corrine, who may have been led to believe her mother had handled all the admissions requirements, had she not requested that her transcripts be sent to any colleges. Would such inquiries have been enough to prevent the unthinkable?

Then there are others who have made jackasses of themselves showing their true colors writing disgustingly hateful remarks in the comments sections of various news stories on the web. They were not just about Jayne Peters, but about her daughter as well. I am convinced now, more than ever of the saying, “Opinions are like a--holes. Everyone has one.” I firmly believe the number of a--holes who leave these sickening messages on the Internet far exceeds the number of Facebook users which stands at over 500 million.

There are lessons to be learned from the Peters saga though I am fairly certain they will fall on deaf ears. I believe the only time anyone will truly be sorry asking themselves, “Did I miss something,” is when something like this happens again. In the weeks since such unfortunate incidents have happened from the recent murder-suicide July 27 of a Mesquite couple whose children were not home at the time to the British father who murdered his two daughters and wife and then himself possibly due to financial difficulties.

The lessons to be learned from the Peters tragedy are two-fold. For family, friends and co-workers who might know someone who may be going through a tough time in their life don’t be afraid to ask them, “Hey, how are you doing?” Even if that person is perfectly fine with the world, at least it lets them know you care.

The second is for those contemplating going off the deep end because they have lost all hope in resolving their current situation, know that there are people to turn to. One of the seven deadliest sins is pride. Jayne Peters could have been too proud or too embarrassed given her status as a government official to confide in anyone, perhaps even her own daughter in the two years since her husband passed away to tell others about the financial troubles she was having.

If one is too embarrassed to talk to a family member about their problems, then contact a suicide prevention hotline or a psychologist. If one can’t afford a counselor, go to church and talk to God. You never know. He might just answer.

I am not going to state the obvious citing the person responsible for this tragedy is Jayne Peters regardless of the possible contributing factors. The bottom line is we’ll never know what drove her to do this. The only way one can understand the private Hell she might have been going through behind closed doors is to ask her. The only answer that comes back is silence.

Just as I refuse to believe something like this could happen, I would much rather believe that on the morning of July 12, Corrine was finally going to attend that Freshman orientation at the University of Texas at Austin to major in the health profession. I’d much rather believe that of all the things that could end the life of a son or daughter, the person a child should least suspect who could do them in is their own parent. I’d much rather believe Corrine had no idea what lay in store for her that fateful morning after walking back into the house.

Likewise, I have a hard time accepting the whole reason Jayne Peters did this was not only because she could no longer maintain the growing mountain of lies and deceit but because she had trouble "keeping up with the Joneses."

May God have mercy on the soul of Jayne Peters and may both she and Corrine rest in peace.

©7/31/10

My Personal Worst Films: A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

A Nightmare on Elm Street «
R, 95m. 2010

Cast & Credits: Jackie Earle Haley (Freddy Krueger), Kyle Gallner (Quentin O’Grady), Rooney Mara (Nancy Holbrook), Katie Cassidy (Kris Fowles), Thomas Dekker (Jesse Braun), Kellan Lutz (Dean Russell), Clancy Brown (Alan Smith), Connie Britton (Dr. Gwen Holbrook), Lia D. Mortensen (Nora Fowles). Screenplay by Wesley Strick and Eric Heisserer based on characters by Wes Craven. Directed by Samuel Bayer.

There is only one reason why this most unnecessary remake of Wes Craven’s 1984 horror classic grossed over $32 million opening weekend making it number one at the box office. The answer has to do with Jackie Earle Haley, last seen as the faceless Rorschach in last Spring’s anti-hero epic, "Watchmen" (2009). Here Haley is practically unrecognizable with his burned, scarred face, the black and red striped sweater, hat, and four bladed metallic hand as a supernatural child serial murderer who haunts the dreams of high school teenagers on Elm Street.

I know in the minds of horror geeks were it not for the desire to see Haley as Freddy Krueger in a macabre role, first made famous by Robert Englund back in over a handful of follow-ups the past two decades, there would be no reason to see this retread of "A Nightmare on Elm Street."

Like so many remakes of twenty plus year old classics Hollywood seems intent on destroying all because they have run out of original ideas, this latest redo begs the question, “Why even bother when the original was practically flawless to begin with?” That depends on who you talk to, that is. I already know the answer. Like last year’s successful box office reboot of "Friday the 13th", whose sequel is now officially dead, or the redo of "The Texas Chain Saw Massacre" (2003), the whole purpose of studios bringing these dormant horror franchises back to life is not just to lure a whole new generation of fans of such notorious movie psycho slashers as Jason, Leatherface, and Freddy Krueger, but to show how much better today’s filmmakers stupidly think their versions are when they have a larger budget to play with.

When will horror want-to-be movie makers learn the reason films like Craven’s original Nightmare was so effective in a fun, creepy way, and maybe even suspenseful, was because they were made on very low budgets. The original was by no means a classic, but the idea was clever in a grotesque way. It’s been over twenty years since I saw the first one, but I remember some of the horrific eye-popping visuals. I vaguely recall Johnny Depp, for example, in his first movie role as one of the victims whose innards and blood decorate an entire bedroom. I can’t remember if in the first one when one of the high school teens answers the phone in her dreams if Freddy’s bulging tongue comes out from the receiver to lick her face. I do remember one poor soul though turning into a cockroach but that was in a later installment.

This latest Elm Street reincarnation is literally a nightmare and not the kind where you are scared to go to sleep. It’s the kind where you are so bored watching what’s on screen, you are actually fighting to stay awake. There is no jump out of your seat surprises like in the predecessor as Freddy terrorizes his young victims with that metallic four bladed clawed hand of his wherever and whenever they are sleeping from classrooms and basements to bathrooms and bedrooms. Every shot of that deadly weapon whether it’s making an appearance inside a bathtub while a teenager is dozing off or having a doctor in the emergency room give a sedative that turns out to be a metallic hand instead has been shown in the trailer. In addition to those scenes of victims waking up to find themselves bloodily scared by that infamous metallic claw.

The only unexpected revelation the film offers is how Haley’s child molesting school janitor met his fiery fate at the hands of the parents who took justice into their hands years before upon learning what the guy is doing to their little kids behind closed doors. That was not exactly covered in graphic detail in Craven’s original but was explained by one of the adult characters.

You will note I haven’t mentioned any of the teenage characters here, a couple of whom survive Freddy Krueger’s vengeful wrath close to the end or who meet their grisly fates early on. I see no point in it. The ones who get knocked off early are only on screen for a few moments. The others who manage to last the entire film don’t give us any reason to root for their characters in hopes they can beat Freddy at his own game. That’s not their purpose here anyway. They’re just pawns for Freddy to terrorize and eventually mutilate.

For horror buffs younger than twenty with little or no knowledge that there was an original "A Nightmare on Elm Street" decades before, they will probably be more than happy to accept Haley as their Freddy Krueger. For us old folks like me who tire of Hollywood revamping the old stuff, there is only ONE Freddy Kruger, and he was the nightmarish ghoul Robert Englund played.

This redo makes me want to say, “Goodnight Freddy and good riddance.”

©5/5/10

Where have all the notable movie critics gone?

Are there any wannabe amateur film critics out there who think their writing could one day be the equivalent of such opinionated and popular film critics as Vincent Canby, Roger Ebert, Pauline Kael, Gene Siskel and Bruce Williamson?

It's a question I have been asking myself now more than ever, given the recent firing in March of top film critic Todd McCarthy by the editors of Variety magazine. McCarthy had been with the publication since 1979 and was among several employees the publication laid off as a cost-cutting measure, according to a March 8 article on www.thewrap.com.

"We are not changing our review policy," said Variety's Group Editor Tim Gray. "Last year we ran more than 1,200 film reviews. No other news outlet comes even close, and we will continue to be the leader in numbers and quality. It doesn't make economic sense to have full-time reviewers but Todd, Derek (Elley), and David (Rooney} have been asked to continue as freelancers."

The larger blow to fans of film criticism, however, came late March with news that after 24 seasons, "At the Movies" (1986-2010), the popular show that started with Chicago film critics Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert, was canceled. Its roots date back to 1975 when the show was called "Sneak Previews" on PBS. The program's final broadcast with current critics, A.O. Scott and Michael Phillips, will air Aug. 14.

I know there are a lot of movie-goers out there who apparently can't make up their mind and don't feel like wasting two hours of their time sitting through a movie they may not like. They need guidance when it comes to movies, or anything else for that matter. So, they rely on the likes of Ebert, Rolling Stone's Peter Travers and reviewers in their local city paper, or they ask some underpaid, overworked customer service representative in a blue shirt at their neighborhood Blockbuster Video if a certain new release on the shelves is worth their money.

Back when I lived in Chicago in the '70s and early '80s, I made it a weekly Friday and Sunday ritual to go through the entertainment sections of the Chicago Tribune and Chicago Sun-Times to see what Siskel and Ebert said about the week's latest releases. It wasn't that I was hoping they would like a movie that I liked.

God knows they've endorsed movies I loathed, like "Howard's End" (1992), "The English Patient" (1996), and "The Last Temptation of Christ" (1988), all of which I should keep on my shelf as a means to cure insomnia.

I looked to their reviews, whether they were positive or negative. It's the only reason why today, I still sometimes download their review segments on www.youtube.com and www.atthemoviestv.com. I want to hear them argue passionately why one disagrees on a title the other likes, such as "Benji the Hunted" (1987), "Full Metal Jacket" (1987), and "The Doors" (1991).

Back then, my reason for referring to such reviews that Pauline Kael wrote or Bruce Williamson of Playboy wrote is because I was interested in what they had to say. [Yes perverts -- there was more than one reason to read Playboy, and it wasn't just for the X-rated pictorials].

Today, that's not the case. Movie reviews today read like press releases. Every time I read someone's review that says, "for a good date movie," or "for a good action-adventure movie," I cringe, because the writer has no idea what I like. I don't want to know if they claim I am going to like it. I want to know what they thought about it.

There is a wealth of information on the Internet and in magazines now that I can go to for information and reviews on the latest movies from Film Comment and Empire magazine to Entertainment Weekly and even Variety, which says despite McCarthy's departure, the publication is still going to run reviews from other writers. They just won't be by the ones readers have come to know over the past three decades.

Despite "At the Movies" cancellation, Ebert has said on his blog that he is working on a new film review program to feature two new critics. The thumbs will return he has said. The question is, who he gets? I doubt they will have the same cultural impact as he and Siskel, who passed away in 1999, or Siskel's replacement, Richard Roeper, did.

Whoever is in the balcony, I don't think we will see their likenesses parodied in Mad magazine, in a Batman comic book, in an animated cartoon called "The Critic" (1994-1995) or in movies like "Summer School" (1987) and "Godzilla" (1998). Nor do I see them making appearances with Jay Leno and David Letterman.

There will always be film critics, probably more, now that anyone can do a blog, just not the notably famous writers I enjoyed reading on a regular basis. For me personally, the balcony closed a long time ago.

©4/28/10

My Personal Worst Films: Kick-Ass (2010)

Kick-Ass «½
R, 117m. 2010

Cast & Credits: Aaron Johnson (Dave Lizewski/Kick-Ass), Christopher Mintz-Plasse (Chris D’Amico/Red Mist), Mark Strong (Frank D’Amico), Chloe Grace Moretz (Mindy Macready/Hit Girl), Nicolas Cage (Damon Macready/Big Daddy), Omari Hardwick (Sergeant Marcus Williams), Xander Berkeley (Detective Gigante). Screenplay by Matthew Vaughn and Jane Goldman based on source material from the comic book: Kick-Ass by Mark Millar and John S. Romita. Directed by Matthew Vaughn.

There is a scene from "The Losers", out in theaters April 23, I caught a few days ago where a guy gets blown off his motorcycle and flies right into a moving turbine jet engine, which in turn explodes. I laughed watching that clip as I know such a stunt probably wouldn’t happen in real life. At least I don’t think it’s been covered on Spike TV’s "1000 Ways to Die" yet. I could be wrong.

"The Losers", however, doesn’t feature nerdy high school kids dressed in superhero garb that includes an 11-year-old girl delivering deadly vigilante style justice to the bad guys the way the characters do in "Kick-Ass." I expect this kind of behavior to come from adult characters in violent R rated movies like "The Losers", or anything Quentin Tarantino has churned out over the years. When I see an 11-year-old girl dressed in a purple leather outfit with a mask named Hit Girl (Chloe Grace Moritz) use some double-edged sword to single handedly wipe out a few henchmen and leave them for dead, I don’t see anything funny about it. I find it kind of disturbing.

As is the scene between Hit Girl and her father, code named “Big Daddy” (Nicolas Cage) who when asked what she wants for her birthday, it’s not a dog but a bench made model 42 butterfly knife. I have no idea what that is. I am sure she uses it to slaughter the bad guys in one scene. Come to think of it, I have no idea what half the arsenal of automatic weapons are called that Big Daddy has adorning the walls of his little studio, which also doubles as his office drawing comic pictorials of New York City’s mob boss Frank D’Amico (Mark Strong) and his hit men. It turns out Big Daddy was a former decorated police officer who was framed by D’Amico and sent to prison. With the help of his daughter, he has plans for revenge.

All this is mixed in with the main story surrounding high school student Dave Livewski (Aaron Johnson), an avid comic book reader with few friends who is inspired to become a green suited superhero named Kick-Ass. While attempting to retrieve someone’s lost cat, Kick-Ass stumbles upon a group of thugs beating up on another guy one night and does to the group exactly what his name suggests, so much so, he becomes an overnight sensation on youtube.com where the number of hits reaches over 1 million.

It’s the result of Kick-Ass’ sudden popularity that Hit Girl and Big Daddy are born. So too is another superhero/anti-hero named Red Mist (Christopher Mintz-Plasse), who in real life is the son of mobster Frank D’Amico named Chris. Frank assumes it is Kick-Ass who’s been knocking off his henchmen and wants him dead. Chris hatches a plan to create a new superhero as a means to find Kick-Ass and perhaps even nab Big Daddy and Hit Girl at the same time.

Kick-Ass boasts less than a handful of humorous scenes with mock references to Batman and Superman as Dave’s friends, who have no idea he is actually Kick-Ass, asking each other if Kick-Ass and Red Mist were in a fight, who would win? It’s like listening to die-hard Star Wars geeks ask each other if Darth Vader went up against Darth Maul, who would be victorious, or to be more precise, Batman versus Superman.

If only the film offered more of these kinds of clever mock tributes to movies and superheroes past. In the tradition of Superman’s Lois Lane asking herself how every time the Man of Steel appears, Clark Kent is never around, there is a scene where Dave’s friends ponder the same thing as video of Kick-Ass and Big Daddy being captured by the gangsters is played out on network television and on the internet and ask themselves how strange it is that Dave is not around.

The trouble with "Kick-Ass" is fantasy and reality don’t mix. For every memorable sequence that comes up like that, the mood is quickly ruined, for example, by a shot of Dave’s superhero getting knifed by a bully. What starts out as fun with the sound of triumphant pulse pounding music as a means to get viewers excited, ends with Dave almost dying in the hospital after being hit by a car. It’s like getting punched in the stomach. The film is no longer fun.

I know some people reading this, in particular fans of violent comic books, will say I need to lighten up and that I am the reason why no one listens to movie critics anymore. I have no doubt they probably already compare film critics to Congress in that they are about as out of touch with what moviegoers like as the government is working for the American people.

I don’t mind mindless cartoonish R rated violence. As I said in the opening paragraph, I laughed watching that clip from "The Losers." I liked Tarantino’s Kill Bill movies with Uma Thurman from 2003 and 2004. Tarantino made those movies as a homage to the ultra-violent and bloody martial arts films. The Star Wars movies represent cartoonish violence, even Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (2005), which got a PG-13 because of what graphically happens to Anakin Skywalker near the end.

There is something wrong though when we see high school kids, and in particular, an 11-year-old girl acting out the same kind of blood thirsty violence that adult characters do, like as though seeing someone crushed to death inside a trash compactor will have no effect on someone that young.

I suppose I should be thankful that characters like Kick-Ass and Hit Girl killed off only the ones who had it coming to them. Their desire to become superheroes came from the comic books, if not from Big Daddy. At least they weren’t playing Doom and watching "Natural Born Killers" (1994) like the two young killers did as inspiration to murder fellow classmates at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado back in 1999 for no good reason.

©4/21/10

Obama justified in gay rights issues

"You can't always get what you want."

That is a lyric from a song by the Rolling Stones. It's also what I felt like telling members of the gay community heckling President Obama recently at a fundraiser for U. S. Sen., Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.), in Los Angeles.

The April 19 protests at the Natural History Museum reportedly came from members of GetEQUAL, a lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender group.

"Repeal 'Don't ask, don't tell," shouted one member.

"It's time for equality for all Americans," said another.

"We're going to do that," Obama responded.

I may not be for a lot of what Obama has done to the country during his time in office but believe it or not, there are a couple things I am actually for in terms of helping the gay community.

The most recent decision the president passed that I am for regards same-sex couples. All hospitals must now allow patients to say who has visitation rights and who can make medical decisions, which includes gay and lesbian partners.

"Every day, all across America, patients are denied the kindnesses and caring of a loved one at their side -- whether in a sudden medical emergency or a prolonged hospital stay. Often, a widow or widower with no children is denied the support and comfort of a good friend," the president said in a statement. "Also uniquely affected are gay and lesbian Americans who are often barred from the bedsides of the partners with whom they may have spent decades of their lives - unable to be there for the person they love, and unable to act as a legal surrogate if their partner is incapacitated."

When it comes to alternative lifestyles, I am not for it, but that doesn't mean same-sex couples should be penalized and not given the same rights during hospital visits that immediate family members receive.

On that same note, I am also for the president pushing to repeal the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy the military has held since the 1990s.

It's a decision Defense Secretary Robert Gates supports, as does Adm. Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, who was quoted saying in a Feb. 2 article from FOXNews.com that changing the policy is "the right thing to do."

"I cannot escape being troubled by the fact that we have in place a policy that forces young men and women to lie about who they are in order to defend their fellow citizens," Mullen said. "For me, personally, it comes down to integrity -- theirs as individuals and ours as an institution."

People should not be penalized based upon their alternative lifestyle -- banned from defending their country. There is something wrong when a person joins the Air Force with aspirations of one day flying a fighter plane and then gets kicked out of the military all because protocol was violated. What do their personal lives have to do with them wanting to serve their country?

There is nothing I can't stand more than to hear some right-wing, pro-Christian, Bible-quoting advocate tell me the reason they don't want gays in the military is because they are afraid of what might happen if a gay and a straight person are in a foxhole together. They are afraid the straight person will get jumped on late at night from behind. Sad to say, I actually know people who think this. That idea is about as ridiculous as someone saying God created AIDS to punish the gay community for their immorality.

Just because people are against someone else's lifestyle doesn't give one the right to pass judgment on them and say, "The life you lead is not how God wants you to live, so you are damned to Hell." How does anyone know that upon death, depending on one's religious beliefs, that one will go to Hell because he/she lived an "alternative" lifestyle frowned upon by society?

I know that getting "Don't ask, don't tell" repealed faces as much of an uphill battle as nationalized health care did but it is a step in the right direction.

I suspect even if Congress does get it repealed, the gay community still won't be happy. They will still argue that the president is not doing enough for gay rights, which goes back to the title of that Rolling Stones song.

"Let me say this -- when you've got an ally like Barbara Boxer and you've got an ally like me who are standing for the same thing, then you don't know exactly why you've got to holler because we already hear you," Obama said. "I mean, it would have made more sense to holler that at the people who oppose it."

I am not a member of the gay community, however, if I were, I wouldn't be out heckling the president at a rally. I'd just be happy that there is someone in Washington who is trying to get things passed for those who lead alternative lifestyles and hope that he/she will live up to the promises they made during their campaign.

©4/20/10

How nationalized health care legislation got passed from an entertainment perspective

"So, this is how liberty dies…with thunderous applause."

Such were the words spoken in "Star Wars - Episode III: Revenge of the Sith" (2005) when galactic senators applauded Emperor Palpatine's order to create the Imperial Empire, in what was clearly seen in that "galaxy far, far away" as a socialist dictatorship.

I thought about that after watching Democratic Senators on the House floor cheer March 21 when national health care passed in a 219-212 vote, with no regard for what American thought.

A good number of films and one current science-fiction television show came to mind as I thought about how this 2,000-plus page, $90 billion monstrosity called health care legislation was passed.

It was us, conservative Americans, better known as "The Rebellion," from that "galaxy far, far away," who lost March 21. The Democratic Party was impenetrable against the Tea Party movement. We might as well have been on that ice planet, Hoth, in The Empire Strikes Back (1980) going up against those metallic four-legged Imperial Walkers.

When it comes to how bad things are getting in this country, I am reminded of the comments Peter Finch's unstable newscaster Howard Beale uttered in "Network" (1976) shortly before he told viewers to yell, "I'm mad as Hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!"

"It's a depression," Beale says. "Everybody's out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel's work. Banks are going bust. Shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter. Punks are running wild in the street and there's nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there's no end to it. We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat, and we sit watching our TVs while some local newscaster tells us that today we had 15 homicides and 63 violent crimes, as if that's the way it's supposed to be."

I find it sad that in the 34 years since that film came out, the same still applies today in this country. Is this what referred to in the movies as "timeless?"

When Captain Kirk in "Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country" (1991) refuses to trust his sworn enemies, the Klingons, and says, "I have never trusted Klingons and I never will. I can never forgive them for the death of my boy," I came up with my own line applying my utter contempt for the Democratic Party.

"I have never trusted Democrats and I never will. I can never forgive them for passing health care legislation without so much as a thought to what the American people want."

I have made it no secret how much I have been against President Obama's administration and his radical socialist agenda. I, for one, stand proud I did not drink from the Obama Kool-Aid that Hollywood and the liberal drive-by media have been feeding the gullible public over the past year and a half.

I was as skeptical of this young African American Democratic presidential candidate from Chicago from the get-go as FBI Agent Erica Evans, the character Elizabeth Mitchell plays on ABC's V (2009-2011) who doesn't trust Anna, the attractive high-heeled slender leader of The Visitors who've come from another "galaxy far, far away" to provide the people of Earth universal health care.

Many Americans are either skeptical on whether this health care package will benefit the country as a whole or want the entire bill scrapped. Many are furious at how Democrats are trying to change, ignore and rewrite the constitution.

When are these free-loading liberals, all of whom stupidly think they are entitled to get something for nothing and that the government's No. 1 job is to take care of their lazy, sorry asses, going to get it through their thick skulls the reason we don't want this billion-dollar joke is not because we don't feel the nation's health care system needs to be overhauled. Everyone agrees that something has to be done. It's because we don't want the government mandating that we all have to have health insurance, whether we want it or not.

You liberals might get off paying high taxes, and thrive on being told what to do, how to think, what to say, what to watch, what to eat, what to read, what to buy, who to vote for as though you were still living under your parents' roof following their rules, but I sure don't.

It's no secret a lot of Democrats are scared they could be voted out of office this November as a result of the health care legislation passing and they very well should be.

When it comes to how conservative Americans feel about how this health care bill was passed, to quote the promotional line from "V," "It's US versus THEM." Or to quote a character from the recent box office hit, "Clash of the Titans" (2010), "One day, somebody's got to make a stand. One day, somebody's got to say: Enough.”

Obama's radical socialist Empire might have struck back March 21 against the American people. Come November 2010, if conservatives, libertarians and maybe even Democrats who voted for him and are now refusing to drink the liberal Kool-Aid have their say, the election results for Republicans might not be so much a case of "Return" as it is "Revenge of the Jedi."

©4/5/10

Nothing surprising about Hollywood couple’s marital infidelities except when it happens to someone like Sandra Bullock

If you go to CNN, people.com, or any entertainment news outlet on the Internet reporting about Best Actress Oscar winner Sandra Bullock's marital troubles, there's a good chance you will see more than a dozen posted comments. Some span over 20 pages.

A lot of the comments written, not surprisingly, offer support for Bullock. As for her bad boy, motorcycle riding, cheating husband Jesse James, who had an 11-month affair with Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, a San Diego tattoo and fetish model, fans offered everything negative, short of suggesting he be castrated.

I can't say James doesn't deserve the backlash.

"There is only one person to blame for this whole situation, and that is me," James said in a statement to the press. "It's because of my poor judgment that I deserve everything bad that is coming my way."

I have gotten to the point I no longer care, much less be shocked, when the tabloids report the latest gossip that another Hollywood star's marriage is in trouble, whether it's the result of infidelity or a severe case of irreconcilable differences.

Putting marriage and Hollywood together is like combining gasoline with alcohol and consuming it. It adds up to a deadly, if not combustible combination. Marriage in Hollywood has always been taboo. Despite the blockbuster movies and television shows "a star" churns out, you are a nobody in Hollywood unless you've been married and divorced at least once. I'm convinced of that.

People have gotten so transfixed by the Hollywood elite that they can probably name a dozen actors, actresses and directors who've filed for the ever popular "d" word. Yet if you asked them what celebrities have managed to stay together "til death do us part," I'd be surprised if they can name even one. I can name maybe 10; but a few of those people are dead, so I am not sure they count.

Hence the reason I was not the least bit surprised after hearing actress Kate Winslet and director Sam Mendes were separating after seven years of marriage. The entertainment media didn't seem too phased by it either.

Then came the news that Sandra Bullock's fairy tale marriage was in trouble and suddenly, everyone's rallying behind the cheated starlet. It's almost as if people were debating the nation's health care issue posting comments online. The entertainment media started asking if a curse comes with winning the best actress Oscar, citing examples of other best actress academy award winners as Halle Berry, Helen Hunt, Julia Roberts, Hillary Swank and Charlize Theron, all stars who divorced their significant other years later.

So why all of a sudden do fans care? Is it because women who've been cheated on by their husbands can identify the pain of betrayal Bullock is feeling? Do some men identify with James in that they have a hard time staying faithful and often think with what's between their legs rather than with their brain?

Perhaps it has to do with the huge lack of bad press, if any, Bullock has received from the tabloids over the years. The worst press she has ever gotten was what the critics have said about some of her movies. Even then, the best actress winner of "The Blind Side" has showed us she knows how to be a good sport. Bullock graciously accepted her Worst Actress and Worst Screen Couple wins at this year's Razzies for her performance in 2009's "All About Steve."

"She's never done a sex tape, there's nothing scandalous, and she plays these sweet roles in movies -- there's nothing negative to say about her," said Cooper Lawrence, a relationship expert and author of "The Cult of Celebrity" who was quoted in a 3/19/10 CNN article by Breeanna Hare.

Then there is how Bullock paid tribute to her husband upon winning the Oscar March 7. Even I thought it was touching. It's seeing that kind of emotional joy play out on network television one moment only to learn days later the relationship is on the skids that gets people talking.

The fact is what goes on behind closed doors is no one's business. I believed that after hearing about former senator John Edwards' affair. I believe that now in the case of Tiger Woods. The same goes for Bullock.

There are far more important things for people to concern their lives with than being consumed by the latest Hollywood tabloid scandal.

Sandra Bullock is not the first, nor will she be the last, celebrity icon to have her name dragged through the mud when word gets out her marriage is on the rocks.

There is nothing surprising about this latest scandal. What is surprising is no one expected to see it happen to Sandra Bullock.

©4/1/10