My Personal Worst Films: Shark Tale (2004)

Shark Tale «½ 

PG, 90m. 2004

Cast & Credits: Featuring the voices of Will Smith (Oscar), Robert De Niro (Don Lino,) Renée Zellweger (Angie), Angelina Jolie (Lola), Jack Black (Lenny), Martin Scorsese (Sykes), Ziggy Marley (Ernie), Doug E. Doug (Bernie), Michael Imperioli (Frankie), Vincent Pastore (Luca), Peter Falk (Don Brizzi), Katie Couric (Katie Current). Screenplay by Rob Letterman, Damian Shannon, Mark Swift, & Michael J. Wilson. Directed by Bibo Bergeron, Vicky Jenson & Rob Letterman.

The first signs of trouble in Dreamworks' latest animated feature, "Shark Tale", began from the get-go as a scared little worm dangling from a hook is thrown out to sea. Seeing the worm trying in vain to untie itself begs me to ask which is more painful -- being tied in a knot in a hook or being eaten by a fish? The music then begins as we hear the familiar theme song from the popular 1975 movie about a man-eating shark called Jaws.

I wasn't at all surprised by what came next thanks to the familiar music. Sure, enough two sharks came along; one is named Lenny (voice by Jack Black), a timid man-eater who lets the little worm go because he is a vegetarian.

After being scolded by his older brother Frankie (voiced by The Sopranos star Michael Imperioli) for making such a lousy decision, the two go off in search of more seafood, while Frankie hums the Jaws theme.

"I hate it when you do that," Lenny says.

"Why," Frankie asks. "It's our theme song." Get it? Yeah I get it. Ha-ha.

It's one thing to open up a movie the way Airplane! (1980) did with the sight of a jetliner's tail poking through the clouds while the Jaws theme song was played. Airplane! was made to spoof several disaster movies.

"Shark Tale" is not a spoof, but it sure has more than plenty of references to various adult movies kids under ten wouldn't be allowed to see unless their parents are overly liberal and don't care what their children watched. They include, besides Jaws, references to both "The Godfather" (1972) and Barbershop movies, "Superman II" (1981) and "Titanic" (1997).

I started thinking to myself, "hmm...all we need now is some fish with a grenade launcher to come out yelling, 'say hello to my little friend,'" the way Al Pacino's Cuban gangster did in "Scarface" (1983), or some fish imitating Joe Pesci's clown routine from "Goodfellas" (1990). My heart sank lower than the oceanic depths this movie takes place in the moment I saw those two imitations.

Like Oscar (voiced by Will Smith), a smart aleck, fast talking fish who dreams of making a better name for himself, Shark Tale is a movie in desperate search of its own identity. There is not a single, genuinely funny moment of originality. Like most animated films from Disney’s Pixar which often have a message to convey to children, Shark Tale's message about how one shouldn't be embarrassed by what their parents d0 for a living gets lost amidst all the endless references to adult movies past.

Grown-ups like me will no doubt be able to spot the trivial film references, but will kids? Do the young ones today know what cod and mussel are when it comes to marine biology or what the word "current" has to do with the ocean? Do any of them know who rocker Rod Stewart or actor Russell Crowe or NBC morning Today Show host Katie Couric are? If they don't, then I don't see how they will possibly be able to figure out the connection in "Shark Tale" between the names "Cod Stewart", "Mussel Crowe" or some famous news personality named "Katie Current", much less know the connection between Coca Cola and "Coral Cola."

Like last year's repulsive holiday live action rendition of "The Cat in the Hat" (2003) about the only thing kids will be able to relate to, other than the superior visuals, is the endless references to bodily functions. A belch, for example, emanates from a constipated whale who spits out some green goo that lands on Oscar's face. And an old shark that passes gas which causes the whale standing behind him to pass out.

They'll probably understand when Sykes (voiced by Martin Scorsese), a puffer fish who blows up every time he gets upset, shows Oscar where he stands on the list of things that are worthless.

"There is whale poo, and then there is you," Sykes says.

If they have seen Will Smith's television show, "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air" (1990-1996), they may be able to relate to the antics Oscar's character displays in "Shark Tale" like trying to talk his way out of being electrocuted by a couple of reggae singing jellyfish. You might call him, "The Fresh Fish of Bel Air" as he and Lenny concoct a scheme into making the local townspeople (excuse me, fish) think he is a shark slayer.

What made Pixar's animated movies so popular like "A Bug's Life" (1998) and "Finding Nemo" (2003) was the filmmakers never once took characters out of their natural setting and put them in a completely different environment. That's what made those pictures so believable.

The toys in "Toy Story" (1995) didn't work at a car wash the way the fish do in Shark Tale where whales are given a full-service cleaning. The fish in "Finding Nemo" didn't meet up with a band of Mafioso sharks led by Don Lemo (voiced by Robert De Niro) who gulp down champagne cocktails and eat scared shrimps who plead for their lives. Nor did the grasshoppers in A Bug's Life chomp down on a bag of Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

That's what we get in "Shark Tale." This is an underwater world that looks a lot like Manhattan's Times Square where fishes spray paint sayings on walls of old buildings and where underwater sea creatures attend races and place bets on sea horses.

I am still trying to figure out what the fish that resembled a police car used for lights on its head and how it made the siren sound. Would the idea have worked with a script kids could not only relate to, but one an adult could also appreciate? I don't know.

What I do know is where "Shark Tale" ranks and no, it's not below whale poo. It's the equivalent of the dead fish wrapped inside a brown paper package that arrived on the doorsteps of the Corleone family in "The Godfather" (1972) after the Don's right-hand man, Luca Brasi was knocked off.

When James Caan's Sonny Corleone asked what the point was behind the package, his henchman said it was a Sicilian message that meant Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.

What's worse? Whale poo or being placed alongside a package containing a dead fish?

©10/20/04

Appreciation: Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)

Like most Americans who flocked to their local video stores days after the September 11 terrorist attacks in 2001, I too, went searching for something to watch that, for a while, would take my mind off the tragic events going on in New York City, Washington, and Pennsylvania.

The one film I chose to see that week was “Caddyshack” (1980).

It would not surprise me if director and writer Harold Ramis allowed standup comic Rodney Dangerfield to write his own dialogue.

“This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it,” was one memorable line Dangerfield’s character uttered as the obnoxiously sloppy real estate developer Al Czervik.

“When Caddyshack came out, the reviewer in The New York Times said it was “immediately forgettable,” the comedian wrote in his 2004 autobiography, “It’s Not Easy Bein’ Me”. “Well, it grossed about $40 million at the time, and twenty years later, people are still repeating a lot of those “forgettable” lines.”

Then again, I knew who Rodney Dangerfield years before I saw "Caddyshack" on cable in the spring of 1982. Thanks to those Lite Beer commercials I often saw on weekends that aired on television, usually between sporting events, between 1973 and 1983, 81 ads in all.



That's how I became familiar with the bug-eyed comedian's most famous self-deprecating line, "I get no respect."

The clever humorous commercials not only featured Dangerfield but other known sports icons like John Madden, Bubba Smith, Bob Uecker, and Bill Martin.

I remember only two of the TV ads though. One was a bowling commercial where Dick Butkus complained to Budda Smith how a bowling ball had no holes in it. Smith took the ball and created three holes using his fingers.

Then someone asked, "Who's up next" to bowl and someone else yelled, "Rodney!"

Knowing the team members were screwed everyone yelled in disapproval, "RODNEY!"

In came Rodney Dangerfield ready to bowl.

"We just need one more pin, Rodney," warned one teammate.

The comedian's throw was perfect as the ball rolled down the center of the lane headed towards the leading pin. Anyone familiar with bowling knows this would have likely been a strike. Then again, he wasn't "Rodney Dangerfield."

Like a bird bouncing off a plain glass window after thinking it was really a hole it could fly through, the bowling ball bounced off the center pin and into the gutter. All ten pins standing.

Leave it to Rodney to fail at getting just that one pin!

The other was about "The Creature" which the same group of guys huddled around a campfire.

One of them tells a story about a creature known for terrorizing people in the woods.

Suddenly out from the branches comes Dangerfield.

"It's the creature," screamed someone and everyone scattered.

How I wish those commercials were available on DVD today. I recently searched online if those television advertisements were available for download. Sadly, the most I could come across was a 1984 book called "Lite Reading: The Lite Beer from Miller Commercial Scrapbook" by Frank Deford which was available for purchase.

The last film I saw Dangerfield in was a straight-to-video release last summer called “The 4th Tenor” (2002) in which he plays an Italian who thinks he can sing as good as Pavarotti. It was nothing like his three most memorable comedies from the early 80s I enjoyed most which aside from “Caddyshack” included “Easy Money” (1983) and “Back to School” (1986). Despite poor box office returns and bad reviews in such later films as “Rover Dangerfield” (1991), “Ladybugs “(1992) and “Meet Wally Sparks” (1997) the comedian turned actor did manage to churn out a couple memorable cameos over the years like in “Little Nicky” (2000) starring Adam Sandler as the misbegotten son of Satan.

“Even in Hell I get no respect,” said Dangerfield’s character.

According to the comedian’s bio, when Oliver Stone wanted him for a cameo in the controversial yet nauseatingly violent “Natural Born Killers” (1994) playing the sexually abusive father of Juliette Lewis, the Oscar winning director let him write his own lines.

It is obvious. Whenever Rodney Dangerfield was on the screen, it was rare for any scene to end without a laugh. You just knew he was either going to say something insulting about himself or someone else.

When Dangerfield passed away Oct. 8 at age 82, television newscasters said only a few words about how he got his start in show business and ran five minutes of his most memorably quick one-liners while newspaper obituaries ran with a sample of jokes taken from his website www.rodney.com.

On birth: “When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother.”

On marriage: “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!”

On having pets: “With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He doesn’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.”

On growing up: “When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.”

On dating: “I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”

On divorce: “When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me…and no one showed up.”

On having sex: “I’m not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.”

On buying computers: “I bought an Apple computer; it had a worm in it.”

On show business: “When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream.”

Regarding mortality, Dangerfield had this to say upon entering the hospital for heart valve replacement surgery August 24, according to imdb.com. “If things go right, I’ll be there about a week, and if things don’t go right, I’ll be there about an hour and a half.”

Even in death, Rodney Dangerfield had us all in stitches.

For a guy whose trademark line was saying how no one ever respected him and whose fame didn’t come until his early 40s that began in 1967 with his first appearance on “The Ed Sullivan Show” (1948-1971), he got more than enough respect from not just the likes of comedians Tim Allen, Jim Carrey, Bernie Mac, and Adam Sandler but thousands of fans as well.

©10/20/04

My Personal Worst Films: Team America: World Police (2004)

Team America: World Police NO STARS
R, 98m. 2004

Cast & Credits: Featuring the voices of Trey Parker (Gary Johnston/Joe/Hans Blix/Kim Jong Il/Carson/Drunk/Tim Robbins), Matt Stone (Chris), Kristen Miller (Lisa), Masasa (Sarah), Daran Norris (Spottswoode), Phil Hendrie (Intelligence), Maurice Lamarche (Alec Baldwin). Screenplay written by Trey Parker, Matt Stone and Pam Brady. Paramount Pictures presents a film directed by Trey Parker.

I once knew someone, back in my younger years, who did nothing but insult his closest friends. He made fun of everyone, if for no other reason so he could bring attention to himself. A lot of times, I noticed how others laughed at the clown’s insulting jokes with the exception of the person who he was directing them to or others stupidly just joined in. Either way, the more people listened to him, the more he continued to mock others.

Before long, the guy managed to alienate everyone around him so much so that he literally became a pariah.

I associate that person’s childish insulting and, in many ways, mean spirited antics to the stuff seen on screen in "Team America: World Police." Like "South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut" (1999), the film should have the words “Guaranteed to offend.” I think I laughed once watching "Team America: World Police" and that was when the director/recruiter of this small band (I guess you can call them superheroes in a way) tells his latest recruit, “There is no I in Team America.” Then a few seconds later, a computer says, “Yes there is.”

I am not a fan of filmmakers Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s popular series on Comedy Central called "South Park." I have probably only seen one or part of one episode thanks to someone at work who was watching it on his laptop computer in between taking calls. I was a little offended when I first saw "South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut" at theaters but I have to admit, the film grew on me. I found the songs clever, and, in a way, they even had a message to say (one song had the characters sing how youngsters should use other words in place of cusswords that start with the letters S and F when it comes to expressing how one feels). I laughed seeing former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein sing “I can change.”

Despite all the foul language uttered throughout "South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut", the one thing I admired about it was the message the film conveyed. The movie came out a few months after two misguided souls went on a killing spree at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado in April 1999. Part of the film’s plot had the obnoxious little tykes sneaking into an R rated film and upon doing so, they imitate everything they saw on the big screen that of course, ticks off the parents.

The Columbine tragedy ignited off the same old debate that happens every time someone goes on a murder spree in high school. There was the usual finger pointing in all directions as to who was to blame from heavy metal rock groups to Hollywood and the National Rifleman’s Association when in reality, the real blame should have been with the parents of the two kids.

"South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut" painted a silly picture of how society reacts when Hollywood becomes the target of concerned parents when the real fingers should be pointed at the ones responsible for raising the kids.

Maybe it’s just me but I went in hoping, and perhaps I should now say regrettably thinking "Team America: World Police" would have some message to say about the state the country is in right now given the many issues we are dealing with from terrorism and the war in Iraq to voting on who we think should be president the next four years.

This movie has nothing to say about world affairs. "Team America: World Police" is a vulgar, mean-spirited R rated rendition of the cheesy 1960s sci-fi series Thunderbirds (1965-1966) where the characters are wooden puppets on a string whose secret compound is inside Mount Rushmore. Whenever there is trouble, Team America comes to the rescue ready to battle terrorists to the tune of some heavy metal rock song with the words “American F--k yeah!!!”

The terrorists are taken out along with, as we see in the film’s opening moments that takes place in Paris, the Eiffel Tower and several other historical landmarks. Parker and Stone go after everyone from Hollywood left wing liberal celebrities such as Sean Penn, Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, George Clooney and Alec Baldwin to Hans Blix and Kim Jong II all of whom meet grisly deaths. Like Saddam Hussein singing “I can change,” we get a pale rendition of Kim Jong II walking through his vast palace singing how lonely he is.

The nagging question remains though. Why are the filmmakers making such celebrities and world figures their object or ridicule? About the only thing I can come up with is like that loser I knew years ago, they’re mocking these people just to stir up needless controversy.

I know. I know. There is no doubt in my mind this review is going to bring all the ones who give this film their highest recommendations out of the woodwork who will either tell me, “Dude, who pissed in your Wheaties this morning” or “It’s only a movie.” My question to them will be is were they drunk when they saw it? That’s the only way one can possibly laugh at the film’s notion of seeing Alec Baldwin preside over a group of outspoken Hollywood liberals who are members of the Film Actors Guild, otherwise known as F.A.G. Downing a six pack is the only way one could see anything funny about hearing a puppet sing “Everyone has AIDS” on Broadway as the filmmakers way of saying as a result of the world’s ignorance, the AIDS virus is now rampant in every country.

Hell, they’ll probably even cheer watching the Eiffel Tower go up in smoke since we damn red blooded Americans aren’t too happy with the French right now, given their negative stance towards our involvement in the war on Iraq.

The way I see it, this film appeals to only one group of individuals who, should we have another September 11 style attack on our shores again, will flock to their local video stores to rent a film like "Team America: World Police" so they can feel good about themselves watching the puppets blow away Osama bin Laden and his recruits.

The only thing I will walk away remembering is the many levels of vulgarity "Team America: World Police" stoops to as in the scene where a male and female puppet have sex in numerous positions (note-I am willing to bet the one reason why the Motion Picture Association stopped short of giving it an NC-17 rating was because the male puppet had no male anatomy). Then there is the speech, which I cannot print here but you can find the quote on www.imdb.com that puts Americans in three different categories. All I am going to say is of the three terms, one belongs to a female, one belongs to a male and both humans have both.

I have seen more than 60 movies at the box office this year. I enjoyed most of them. Some I liked marginally. A few I didn’t like at all. "Team America: World Police" is the first movie I have seen this year where I actually wanted my money back.

Is this movie bad? Let me put it to you in terms the World Police speak of, “F--k yeah!!!”

©10/15/04