My Personal Worst Films: Shark Tale (2004)

Shark Tale «½ 

PG, 90m. 2004

Cast & Credits: Featuring the voices of Will Smith (Oscar), Robert De Niro (Don Lino,) Renée Zellweger (Angie), Angelina Jolie (Lola), Jack Black (Lenny), Martin Scorsese (Sykes), Ziggy Marley (Ernie), Doug E. Doug (Bernie), Michael Imperioli (Frankie), Vincent Pastore (Luca), Peter Falk (Don Brizzi), Katie Couric (Katie Current). Screenplay by Rob Letterman, Damian Shannon, Mark Swift, & Michael J. Wilson. Directed by Bibo Bergeron, Vicky Jenson & Rob Letterman.

The first signs of trouble in Dreamworks' latest animated feature, "Shark Tale", began from the get-go as a scared little worm dangling from a hook is thrown out to sea. Seeing the worm trying in vain to untie itself begs me to ask which is more painful -- being tied in a knot in a hook or being eaten by a fish? The music then begins as we hear the familiar theme song from the popular 1975 movie about a man-eating shark called Jaws.

I wasn't at all surprised by what came next thanks to the familiar music. Sure, enough two sharks came along; one is named Lenny (voice by Jack Black), a timid man-eater who lets the little worm go because he is a vegetarian.

After being scolded by his older brother Frankie (voiced by The Sopranos star Michael Imperioli) for making such a lousy decision, the two go off in search of more seafood, while Frankie hums the Jaws theme.

"I hate it when you do that," Lenny says.

"Why," Frankie asks. "It's our theme song." Get it? Yeah I get it. Ha-ha.

It's one thing to open up a movie the way Airplane! (1980) did with the sight of a jetliner's tail poking through the clouds while the Jaws theme song was played. Airplane! was made to spoof several disaster movies.

"Shark Tale" is not a spoof, but it sure has more than plenty of references to various adult movies kids under ten wouldn't be allowed to see unless their parents are overly liberal and don't care what their children watched. They include, besides Jaws, references to both "The Godfather" (1972) and Barbershop movies, "Superman II" (1981) and "Titanic" (1997).

I started thinking to myself, "hmm...all we need now is some fish with a grenade launcher to come out yelling, 'say hello to my little friend,'" the way Al Pacino's Cuban gangster did in "Scarface" (1983), or some fish imitating Joe Pesci's clown routine from "Goodfellas" (1990). My heart sank lower than the oceanic depths this movie takes place in the moment I saw those two imitations.

Like Oscar (voiced by Will Smith), a smart aleck, fast talking fish who dreams of making a better name for himself, Shark Tale is a movie in desperate search of its own identity. There is not a single, genuinely funny moment of originality. Like most animated films from Disney’s Pixar which often have a message to convey to children, Shark Tale's message about how one shouldn't be embarrassed by what their parents d0 for a living gets lost amidst all the endless references to adult movies past.

Grown-ups like me will no doubt be able to spot the trivial film references, but will kids? Do the young ones today know what cod and mussel are when it comes to marine biology or what the word "current" has to do with the ocean? Do any of them know who rocker Rod Stewart or actor Russell Crowe or NBC morning Today Show host Katie Couric are? If they don't, then I don't see how they will possibly be able to figure out the connection in "Shark Tale" between the names "Cod Stewart", "Mussel Crowe" or some famous news personality named "Katie Current", much less know the connection between Coca Cola and "Coral Cola."

Like last year's repulsive holiday live action rendition of "The Cat in the Hat" (2003) about the only thing kids will be able to relate to, other than the superior visuals, is the endless references to bodily functions. A belch, for example, emanates from a constipated whale who spits out some green goo that lands on Oscar's face. And an old shark that passes gas which causes the whale standing behind him to pass out.

They'll probably understand when Sykes (voiced by Martin Scorsese), a puffer fish who blows up every time he gets upset, shows Oscar where he stands on the list of things that are worthless.

"There is whale poo, and then there is you," Sykes says.

If they have seen Will Smith's television show, "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air" (1990-1996), they may be able to relate to the antics Oscar's character displays in "Shark Tale" like trying to talk his way out of being electrocuted by a couple of reggae singing jellyfish. You might call him, "The Fresh Fish of Bel Air" as he and Lenny concoct a scheme into making the local townspeople (excuse me, fish) think he is a shark slayer.

What made Pixar's animated movies so popular like "A Bug's Life" (1998) and "Finding Nemo" (2003) was the filmmakers never once took characters out of their natural setting and put them in a completely different environment. That's what made those pictures so believable.

The toys in "Toy Story" (1995) didn't work at a car wash the way the fish do in Shark Tale where whales are given a full-service cleaning. The fish in "Finding Nemo" didn't meet up with a band of Mafioso sharks led by Don Lemo (voiced by Robert De Niro) who gulp down champagne cocktails and eat scared shrimps who plead for their lives. Nor did the grasshoppers in A Bug's Life chomp down on a bag of Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

That's what we get in "Shark Tale." This is an underwater world that looks a lot like Manhattan's Times Square where fishes spray paint sayings on walls of old buildings and where underwater sea creatures attend races and place bets on sea horses.

I am still trying to figure out what the fish that resembled a police car used for lights on its head and how it made the siren sound. Would the idea have worked with a script kids could not only relate to, but one an adult could also appreciate? I don't know.

What I do know is where "Shark Tale" ranks and no, it's not below whale poo. It's the equivalent of the dead fish wrapped inside a brown paper package that arrived on the doorsteps of the Corleone family in "The Godfather" (1972) after the Don's right-hand man, Luca Brasi was knocked off.

When James Caan's Sonny Corleone asked what the point was behind the package, his henchman said it was a Sicilian message that meant Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.

What's worse? Whale poo or being placed alongside a package containing a dead fish?

©10/20/04

Appreciation: Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)

Like most Americans who flocked to their local video stores days after the September 11 terrorist attacks in 2001, I too, went searching for something to watch that, for a while, would take my mind off the tragic events going on in New York City, Washington, and Pennsylvania.

The one film I chose to see that week was “Caddyshack” (1980).

It would not surprise me if director and writer Harold Ramis allowed standup comic Rodney Dangerfield to write his own dialogue.

“This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it,” was one memorable line Dangerfield’s character uttered as the obnoxiously sloppy real estate developer Al Czervik.

“When Caddyshack came out, the reviewer in The New York Times said it was “immediately forgettable,” the comedian wrote in his 2004 autobiography, “It’s Not Easy Bein’ Me”. “Well, it grossed about $40 million at the time, and twenty years later, people are still repeating a lot of those “forgettable” lines.”

Then again, I knew who Rodney Dangerfield years before I saw "Caddyshack" on cable in the spring of 1982. Thanks to those Lite Beer commercials I often saw on weekends that aired on television, usually between sporting events, between 1973 and 1983, 81 ads in all.



That's how I became familiar with the bug-eyed comedian's most famous self-deprecating line, "I get no respect."

The clever humorous commercials not only featured Dangerfield but other known sports icons like John Madden, Bubba Smith, Bob Uecker, and Bill Martin.

I remember only two of the TV ads though. One was a bowling commercial where Dick Butkus complained to Budda Smith how a bowling ball had no holes in it. Smith took the ball and created three holes using his fingers.

Then someone asked, "Who's up next" to bowl and someone else yelled, "Rodney!"

Knowing the team members were screwed everyone yelled in disapproval, "RODNEY!"

In came Rodney Dangerfield ready to bowl.

"We just need one more pin, Rodney," warned one teammate.

The comedian's throw was perfect as the ball rolled down the center of the lane headed towards the leading pin. Anyone familiar with bowling knows this would have likely been a strike. Then again, he wasn't "Rodney Dangerfield."

Like a bird bouncing off a plain glass window after thinking it was really a hole it could fly through, the bowling ball bounced off the center pin and into the gutter. All ten pins standing.

Leave it to Rodney to fail at getting just that one pin!

The other was about "The Creature" which the same group of guys huddled around a campfire.

One of them tells a story about a creature known for terrorizing people in the woods.

Suddenly out from the branches comes Dangerfield.

"It's the creature," screamed someone and everyone scattered.

How I wish those commercials were available on DVD today. I recently searched online if those television advertisements were available for download. Sadly, the most I could come across was a 1984 book called "Lite Reading: The Lite Beer from Miller Commercial Scrapbook" by Frank Deford which was available for purchase.

The last film I saw Dangerfield in was a straight-to-video release last summer called “The 4th Tenor” (2002) in which he plays an Italian who thinks he can sing as good as Pavarotti. It was nothing like his three most memorable comedies from the early 80s I enjoyed most which aside from “Caddyshack” included “Easy Money” (1983) and “Back to School” (1986). Despite poor box office returns and bad reviews in such later films as “Rover Dangerfield” (1991), “Ladybugs “(1992) and “Meet Wally Sparks” (1997) the comedian turned actor did manage to churn out a couple memorable cameos over the years like in “Little Nicky” (2000) starring Adam Sandler as the misbegotten son of Satan.

“Even in Hell I get no respect,” said Dangerfield’s character.

According to the comedian’s bio, when Oliver Stone wanted him for a cameo in the controversial yet nauseatingly violent “Natural Born Killers” (1994) playing the sexually abusive father of Juliette Lewis, the Oscar winning director let him write his own lines.

It is obvious. Whenever Rodney Dangerfield was on the screen, it was rare for any scene to end without a laugh. You just knew he was either going to say something insulting about himself or someone else.

When Dangerfield passed away Oct. 8 at age 82, television newscasters said only a few words about how he got his start in show business and ran five minutes of his most memorably quick one-liners while newspaper obituaries ran with a sample of jokes taken from his website www.rodney.com.

On birth: “When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother.”

On marriage: “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!”

On having pets: “With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He doesn’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.”

On growing up: “When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.”

On dating: “I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”

On divorce: “When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me…and no one showed up.”

On having sex: “I’m not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.”

On buying computers: “I bought an Apple computer; it had a worm in it.”

On show business: “When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream.”

Regarding mortality, Dangerfield had this to say upon entering the hospital for heart valve replacement surgery August 24, according to imdb.com. “If things go right, I’ll be there about a week, and if things don’t go right, I’ll be there about an hour and a half.”

Even in death, Rodney Dangerfield had us all in stitches.

For a guy whose trademark line was saying how no one ever respected him and whose fame didn’t come until his early 40s that began in 1967 with his first appearance on “The Ed Sullivan Show” (1948-1971), he got more than enough respect from not just the likes of comedians Tim Allen, Jim Carrey, Bernie Mac, and Adam Sandler but thousands of fans as well.

©10/20/04

My Personal Worst Films: Team America: World Police (2004)

Team America: World Police NO STARS
R, 98m. 2004

Cast & Credits: Featuring the voices of Trey Parker (Gary Johnston/Joe/Hans Blix/Kim Jong Il/Carson/Drunk/Tim Robbins), Matt Stone (Chris), Kristen Miller (Lisa), Masasa (Sarah), Daran Norris (Spottswoode), Phil Hendrie (Intelligence), Maurice Lamarche (Alec Baldwin). Screenplay written by Trey Parker, Matt Stone and Pam Brady. Paramount Pictures presents a film directed by Trey Parker.

I once knew someone, back in my younger years, who did nothing but insult his closest friends. He made fun of everyone, if for no other reason so he could bring attention to himself. A lot of times, I noticed how others laughed at the clown’s insulting jokes with the exception of the person who he was directing them to or others stupidly just joined in. Either way, the more people listened to him, the more he continued to mock others.

Before long, the guy managed to alienate everyone around him so much so that he literally became a pariah.

I associate that person’s childish insulting and, in many ways, mean spirited antics to the stuff seen on screen in "Team America: World Police." Like "South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut" (1999), the film should have the words “Guaranteed to offend.” I think I laughed once watching "Team America: World Police" and that was when the director/recruiter of this small band (I guess you can call them superheroes in a way) tells his latest recruit, “There is no I in Team America.” Then a few seconds later, a computer says, “Yes there is.”

I am not a fan of filmmakers Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s popular series on Comedy Central called "South Park." I have probably only seen one or part of one episode thanks to someone at work who was watching it on his laptop computer in between taking calls. I was a little offended when I first saw "South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut" at theaters but I have to admit, the film grew on me. I found the songs clever, and, in a way, they even had a message to say (one song had the characters sing how youngsters should use other words in place of cusswords that start with the letters S and F when it comes to expressing how one feels). I laughed seeing former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein sing “I can change.”

Despite all the foul language uttered throughout "South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut", the one thing I admired about it was the message the film conveyed. The movie came out a few months after two misguided souls went on a killing spree at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado in April 1999. Part of the film’s plot had the obnoxious little tykes sneaking into an R rated film and upon doing so, they imitate everything they saw on the big screen that of course, ticks off the parents.

The Columbine tragedy ignited off the same old debate that happens every time someone goes on a murder spree in high school. There was the usual finger pointing in all directions as to who was to blame from heavy metal rock groups to Hollywood and the National Rifleman’s Association when in reality, the real blame should have been with the parents of the two kids.

"South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut" painted a silly picture of how society reacts when Hollywood becomes the target of concerned parents when the real fingers should be pointed at the ones responsible for raising the kids.

Maybe it’s just me but I went in hoping, and perhaps I should now say regrettably thinking "Team America: World Police" would have some message to say about the state the country is in right now given the many issues we are dealing with from terrorism and the war in Iraq to voting on who we think should be president the next four years.

This movie has nothing to say about world affairs. "Team America: World Police" is a vulgar, mean-spirited R rated rendition of the cheesy 1960s sci-fi series Thunderbirds (1965-1966) where the characters are wooden puppets on a string whose secret compound is inside Mount Rushmore. Whenever there is trouble, Team America comes to the rescue ready to battle terrorists to the tune of some heavy metal rock song with the words “American F--k yeah!!!”

The terrorists are taken out along with, as we see in the film’s opening moments that takes place in Paris, the Eiffel Tower and several other historical landmarks. Parker and Stone go after everyone from Hollywood left wing liberal celebrities such as Sean Penn, Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, George Clooney and Alec Baldwin to Hans Blix and Kim Jong II all of whom meet grisly deaths. Like Saddam Hussein singing “I can change,” we get a pale rendition of Kim Jong II walking through his vast palace singing how lonely he is.

The nagging question remains though. Why are the filmmakers making such celebrities and world figures their object or ridicule? About the only thing I can come up with is like that loser I knew years ago, they’re mocking these people just to stir up needless controversy.

I know. I know. There is no doubt in my mind this review is going to bring all the ones who give this film their highest recommendations out of the woodwork who will either tell me, “Dude, who pissed in your Wheaties this morning” or “It’s only a movie.” My question to them will be is were they drunk when they saw it? That’s the only way one can possibly laugh at the film’s notion of seeing Alec Baldwin preside over a group of outspoken Hollywood liberals who are members of the Film Actors Guild, otherwise known as F.A.G. Downing a six pack is the only way one could see anything funny about hearing a puppet sing “Everyone has AIDS” on Broadway as the filmmakers way of saying as a result of the world’s ignorance, the AIDS virus is now rampant in every country.

Hell, they’ll probably even cheer watching the Eiffel Tower go up in smoke since we damn red blooded Americans aren’t too happy with the French right now, given their negative stance towards our involvement in the war on Iraq.

The way I see it, this film appeals to only one group of individuals who, should we have another September 11 style attack on our shores again, will flock to their local video stores to rent a film like "Team America: World Police" so they can feel good about themselves watching the puppets blow away Osama bin Laden and his recruits.

The only thing I will walk away remembering is the many levels of vulgarity "Team America: World Police" stoops to as in the scene where a male and female puppet have sex in numerous positions (note-I am willing to bet the one reason why the Motion Picture Association stopped short of giving it an NC-17 rating was because the male puppet had no male anatomy). Then there is the speech, which I cannot print here but you can find the quote on www.imdb.com that puts Americans in three different categories. All I am going to say is of the three terms, one belongs to a female, one belongs to a male and both humans have both.

I have seen more than 60 movies at the box office this year. I enjoyed most of them. Some I liked marginally. A few I didn’t like at all. "Team America: World Police" is the first movie I have seen this year where I actually wanted my money back.

Is this movie bad? Let me put it to you in terms the World Police speak of, “F--k yeah!!!”

©10/15/04

Sexing up the 2004 Summer Olympics

Swimmer Michael Phelps was not the only one to grace the covers of Time and Sports Illustrated last month in their preview issues of the Summer Olympics. A number of female athletes got to share the spotlight in other periodicals as well.

Far off in another area of the magazine racks, away from such sports and news issues, were racy, titillating pictorials featuring a handful of Olympic female athletes on the front covers of the September 2004 editions of Playboy and FHM – For Him Magazine.

There was Playboy promoting on its cover “The Women of the Olympics – 12 pages of spectacular nudes” featuring U.S. high jumper Amy Acuff semi-clothed holding her athletic shoes – an obvious suggestion that if one were to open the magazine’s plastic bag upon buying it, he or she would find photos of her wearing a whole lot less.

On the cover of FHM were the words “Sexy Olympic Special! Team USA Bare Their Gold Medal Bodies” featuring 23-year-old Logan Tom, an outside hitter for the women’s volleyball team and 22-year-old swimmer Amanda Beard. Both were sporting white bikinis with their fingers playfully tugging down at their thongs.

FHM’s fold out cover would reveal other female athletes, including swimmer Haley Cope and long jumper Jenny Adams along with Playboy’s Acuff.

Needless to say, I wasn’t a bit surprised by some of their sexually suggestive comments. In FHM, for example, Logan Tom spoke of how she and her fellow female teammates enjoyed dancing with one another instead of with men.

“We’ll grind and do whatever, because I’d rather dance with them,” Tom said. “I am like, ‘Wait a second. I’m straight, right?’”

I wanted to say, “You’ve come a long way baby” after reading Amanda Beard’s comments in FHM about the skimpy outfits she wears while in training.

“I wear a two-piece a lot to train in, and I wedge it right up my butt,” Beard said. “We swim like we are Brazilian swimmers. We have it right up our asses.”

Hard to believe this is the same woman who, at age 14, had a teddy bear with her when she was on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” back in 1996, as well as at the Olympic games in Atlanta.

In Playboy, world championship Gold Medalist in the 100-meter backstroke Haley Clark (FHM used her maiden name, Haley Cope) commented about how her friends call her an “Olympic nudist.”

“I don’t walk through the door and strip, but I might paint my nails naked,” Clark said. “People are not comfortable with themselves. I am. I am a freak. I vote Republican. I worship Martha Stewart, and I do not mind being naked.”

It recalled the question – what was the focus of the 2004 Summer Olympics this year? Skin, or seeing female athletes compete?

Like most people last month, I had the television tuned into the Olympics for a few hours every night though I did not watch them. A lot of what I did watch when it came to the Summer Olympics was women’s beach volleyball – not because I wanted to see only that. It just happened that that was the only sporting event covered at the time I had the TV on. I took note of how skimpy their outfits looked and laughed at how their country was written on their rear-ends, thanks to the cameramen who, it seemed, focused right in on that quite often.

“If people think we’re sexy because we wear this, let them come out, think we’re sexy, enjoy that part of it, and then see that we’re also pretty dynamic athletes as well,” said USA volleyball team member Kerri Walsh, according to an article found on ABC News.

None of that bothered me. I saw it as part of their uniform. Although, I could see how someone with a halfway dirty mind could be turned on to thoughts of lesbianism after watching female volleyball players like Walsh and Misty May embrace each other frolicking in the sand the moment they won the gold for the United States against Brazil. I would have to see it again to be sure, but I had sworn I saw one of them playfully slap the other on the rear-end upon scoring the winning point.

I did not see it that way. I saw it as two women congratulating each other in the heat of the moment, much the same way Brandi Chastain removed her jersey in celebration of winning the Women’s World Cup final in 1999 against China.

Times have changed. This isn’t like four years ago when swimmer Jenny Thompson spawned off controversy appearing in Sports Illustrated with only her fists covering her breasts before the Sydney Games in Australia, according to an Aug. 12, 2004 article in The New York Times.

“Any exposure in a sports magazine that minimizes athlete achievement and skill and emphasizes the female object is insulting and degrading,” said Donna Lopiano, who was then executive director of the Women’s Sports Foundation, according to The New York Times article.

“I’m not quite sure what other people think about the recent magazines, but, for me, personally, I have fun doing it and I enjoy it,” Beard said about posing in FHM, according to the same New York Times article. “It’s a chance for me to branch out of swimming and kind of experience some other things like modeling and stuff.”

As I look back on the 2004 Summer Olympics, I did not see these pictorials done by some of the USA’s top female athletes as degrading to themselves or the sport. I saw it as them celebrating who they are and the fact they are proud of their bodies.

What is wrong with that?

©9/22/04

Fahrenheit 9/11: Stop accepting what Hollywood says is the undisputed truth

The thunderous applause from the audience was not what bothered me when director Michael Moore’s Bush bashing fest “Fahrenheit 9/11” ended when I saw it opening weekend in June. The idiotic comment made by two obviously misguided and I hesitate to say this – gentlemen who were either seniors in high school or were entering their first year in college the churned my stomach.

As I walked out, I heard both say how they are now going to vote democrat because of the truths they learned from watching “Fahrenheit 9/11”.

I wanted to strike both. It is not their comment that ticked me off so much as it is their blind stupidity into accepting that everything liberal Hollywood just told them on the big screen is the truth.

I will not deny controversy sells. That does not mean, however, everything said in a movie or so-called documentary, or in the case of “Fahrenheit 9/11”, “mockumentary” is true. The fact is if Hollywood were deeply concerned about telling real life stories as they really happened without adding their own unique twists, not only would no one see the movie, but the liberal press would have nothing to talk about.

If Michael Moore had offered both positive and negative viewpoints of how President Bush oversaw the 9/11 attacks and his decisions to go to war in Iraq and Afghanistan, I would have been more than willing to listen to the many falsehoods uttered throughout the film. Hell, I would agree with the big guy’s comment that he made shortly after his “documentary” won the Palm d’or award in France that he hopes his movie will get more people to go out and vote.

I do agree that more people should go out and vote but not because they saw a movie that influenced them without doing any research themselves.

Since the film opened, several websites have published articles listing several untruths Moore’s so-called documentary addresses. Some sites list as many as fifty-nine lies or more. Human Events – The National Conservative Weekly listed nine such lies the film offers which was posted July 22, 2004, on their website, humaneventsonline.

Everyone knows how President Bush reacted after being told of the planes hitting the World Trade Center while visiting some grade school kids at a Florida school the morning of September 11, 2001. Several 9/11 documentaries have shown him making calls to Washington in another classroom while the attacks were going on and telling people, “We’re at war.” And the tales of how he was insistent to get back to Washington immediately following the attacks but at the behest of his advisers did not return until that evening. And what about his visit to Ground Zero a couple of days after the attacks visiting firefighters and the victims? In response to their cries of “God Bless America”, the president yelled out through his megaphone, “We hear you and the ones who knocked these buildings down are going to be hearing from all of us soon.”

That is not what Michael Moore wants you to believe. He wants you to think what America that day had was a leader in such a state of shock the only thing he could do was pick up the book, “My Pet Goat,” and read along with the school kids in a daze.

Moore wants you to not only look down on the job the United States armed forces are doing abroad for this country risking their lives. He also wants you to believe if you are a minority with a low IQ and low-test scores on college entrance exams and are a senior in high school who just happens to live in a poor area of town, you will be approached by a military recruiter at your local Walmart asking if you would be interested in working for Uncle Sam.

Anyone can do a bashing session of someone they do not like. I know this. I criticize movies. My negative reviews are much longer than the positive ones. It is easy to bash someone. It is much harder to write up something positive.

What Moore has done aside from adding his own personal take on President Bush is gather up lots of comedic moments showing the commander-in-chief making off-the-wall comments. Added to it is commentary from pissed off minorities who still think Bush stole the election, pissed-off wounded military servicemen with either one arm or no legs who don’t see a point to why America is fighting in Iraq, a distraught mother upset they lost their son in combat, and residents living in the poorer areas of Flint, Michigan claiming their neighborhoods are just as bad as the bomb-ridden cities of Iraq.

If President Bush loses the election this November, it is my hope that it will be because the American people think he has not done enough to help the economy when it comes to creating jobs. Not because some radical filmmaker personally thinks the guy is a lousy commander-in-chief who cannot be trusted to lead in times of crisis.

“Fahrenheit 9/11” is not a history lesson. It is not a documentary. It is a comedy mixed in with tragedy used as sick entertainment. Movies based on historical events and documentaries should prompt one to find out more about the subject, not “ass-u-me” that what they see on the big screen is the Gospel according to Michael Moore.

My advice to those two individuals, and to anyone else so easily swayed by such so-called documentaries Hollywood unleashes on the public, read more about the subject before making a sound decision.

©9/22/04

My Personal Worst Films: Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)

Resident Evil: Apocalypse «
R, 94m. 2004

Cast & Credits: Milla Jovovich (Alice), Sienna Guillory (Jill Valentine), Oded Fehr (Carlos Olivera), Thomas Kretschman (Major Tom Cain), Sophie Vavasseur (Angie Ashford), Razaaq Adoti (Sgt. Peyton Wells), Jared Harris (Dr. Ashford), Mike Epps (L.J.), Sandrine Holt (Terri Morales), Matthew G. Taylor (Nemesis). Screenplay by Paul. W.S. Anderson. Directed by Alexander Witt.

"Resident Evil: Apocalypse" is an endlessly loud shoot-em-up equivalent to a violent video game which isn’t very far from the truth since this follow-up to 2002’s Resident Evil is really based on a popular computer game. The plot is not so much an actual story as it is “the object of the game” where the handful of one-dimensional characters must go through several precarious situations before calling themselves the winner. Such situations include roaming the night streets of Raccoon City, inhabited by flesh eating zombies and infected rabid salivating dogs. The “object of the game” has the characters searching for a young girl who is the daughter of a wheelchair bound scientist whose company called the Umbrella Corporation is responsible for unleashing a deadly virus throughout the city.

I equate the film’s storytelling format to the "Star Wars: Rebel Assault" game I played on an Apple computer years ago where the first five minutes of each segment was dedicated to watching the characters converse with each other as they flew through space. Then the rebel pilots run into enemy forces and the viewer becomes the game player where I had to shoot down as many Imperial ships as possible in order to get to the next step.

The difference between that game and the film, Resident Evil: Apocalypse, however, is under my control I could switch off the Rebel Assault CD-ROM whenever I wanted to. That’s a luxury I wished I had watching "Resident Evil: Apocalypse." Then again, no one was holding a gun to my head forcing me to keep my eyes glued to the big screen. I was technically still in charge of my own destiny and could have so chosen to walk out long before the credits rolled. If I had done so, however, I wouldn’t have been able to write this review.

When it comes to sequels, it isn’t unusual for one to want to familiarize themselves with the predecessor before seeing the latest one. I never saw "Resident Evil" and now after seeing this sequel, I am not only thankful I didn’t but was also relieved to know the first few minutes of “Apocalypse” reveal much of what happened previously.

The survivors include among them, a demoted gun-toting female officer (Sienna Guillory), a weather reporter (Sandrine Holt) who sees this tragedy as her ticket to winning an Emmy, and an Umbrella tactical officer (Oded Fehr) who when one of his team asks why the company left them out to die with the zombies, says they’re “expendable assets and we’ve just been expended.” They are led to safety by Alice (Milla Jovovich), a former security guard for the company who reveals early on how there was “an accident.”

There is not a single moment of originality or creativity here. The script was written by Paul W.S. Anderson whose directorial credits include a number of B rated sci-fi/horror/action-adventure movies like "Mortal Kombat" (1995), "Event Horizon" (1997) with Sam Neill and Laurence Fishburne, the little seen Soldier (1998) with Kurt Russell, and the recent "AVP: Alien Vs. Predator" (2004). Seeing "Mortal Kombat" and "Event Horizon" I can tell Anderson isn’t in the filmmaking business to make the critics happy. He wants to make movies and write screenplays that appeal to a wide range of young audiences. That’s all fine and dandy. Trouble is his ideas aren’t so much inspired-by as they are rip-offs of better films.

Watching "Resident Evil: Apocalypse", I found it hard not to be reminded of George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead trilogy (1968-1985) or any movie for that matter dealing with flesh-eating zombies that would include "28 Days Later" (2002) and even the recent remake of Dawn of the Dead (2004). As an added bonus, the filmmakers even throw in an ugly mutated creature with large teeth that bears an obvious resemblance to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator from the cyborg killing machine movies (1984-2003). He, or I guess I should say “it,” carries a shoulder armored rocket launcher in one hand and a machine gun styled assault weapon in the other and is just as difficult a foe the characters have a hard time killing.

The film appeals to only three kinds of viewers. Those who love when their favorite video games are turned into ninety-minute movies, those with very little imagination, and those who get off seeing a couple of take charge female characters in short skirts, high heeled sandals and leather boots or wearing barely nothing at all who bust through the doors of empty high school hallways or church windows on motorcycles with guns blazing. Or, they just want to see Milla Jovovich.

I won’t deny the fact that she is quite an attractive woman judging by the Revlon television commercials I have seen her in. I liked her in "The Fifth Element" (1997) with Bruce Willis, which unlike "Resident Evil: Apocalypse" I found to be a tribute to several science fiction movies made before it. Her character, Alice, in “Apocalypse” is a born “Rambolina” who doesn’t even yell out in pain after popping a couple of fingers back into place when she injures her hand.

She’s Supergirl who not only catches speeding bullets with her bare hands but throws them back at the person who shot them with the same amount of speed. She runs down the side of skyscrapers with a cable attached to her waist kicking the you know what out of corporate soldiers and stares alluringly and telepathically into a set of video surveillance cameras that cause a security guard’s eyes to ooze out blood.

Her character alone is what saves this movie from being a complete waste of celluloid trash. I suspect were it not for Jovovich, "Resident Evil: Apocalypse" would be exactly what one character says in the film that evolution is dead. She is the only one who brings any life or personality to this picture. This film would be what doctors call “DOA” as in “dead on arrival” were it not for her.

©9/17/04

My Personal Worst Films: The Chronicles of Riddick (2004)

The Chronicles of Riddick «½
PG-13, 119m. 2004

Cast & Credits: Vin Diesel (Riddick), Colm Feore (Lord Marshal), Thandie Newton (Dame Vaako), Judi Dench (Aereon), Karl Urban (Vaako), Alexa Davalos (Kyra), Linus Roache (Purifier), Yorick van Wageningen (The Guv), Nick Chinlund (Toombs), Keith David (Imam). Written and directed by David Twohy.

I cannot help but wonder if the filmmakers behind "The Chronicles of Riddick", the sequel to Pitch Black (2000), approached their project with that of preparing a Thanksgiving feast for more than 20 people. From a technical standpoint the film, which has Vin Diesel reprising his role as an escaped convict with a pair of silvery glowing eyes, is a visual effects feast.

It's a two-hour computer-generated exercise filled with macabre looking set designs, gray armored costumes and alien ships that look like tall thin skyscrapers that boast menacing metallic faces on their sides.

The script is filled with such words like "Crematoria," "Necromonger" and "Elementals" that I have never heard before until now. Words in which I am convinced that if they were used on a regular basis, would likely find their way into some newly updated dictionary next year alongside such previous terms as "Barbara Walters" and "The View."

The film's impressive trailer made me think this just might be an imaginative, fun, science fiction popcorn movie filled with outer space battles between good and evil. If the trailer wasn't eye-catching, then certainly the poster was which I'd probably buy if I were still into collecting film memorabilia today.

The end result is a far cry from "The Arrival" (1996), director David Twohy's best science fiction film to date that starred Charlie Sheen as an astrologer who learns aliens are living among us. That film not only had an intriguingly clever premise having to do with global warming, it was also made on a very low budget.

Twohy's latest venture has all the makings of a tasty four-course meal, thus proving what happens when filmmakers are given $40 million to play with. What's missing from The Chronicles of Riddick, however, is the most important part: the turkey and the dressing. In this case, characters we care about and a good story worthy of our attention.

What we get instead is a dreary, depressing, action adventure/science fiction movie inspired by the eye-opening visual effects of the Star Wars movies combined with a series of quick fast-paced editing shots where we can barely tell what is going on. It's like watching another Michael Bay ("Pearl Harbor"-2001) production where the audience is literally bombarded with hundreds of explosions and lots of noise.

The script is filled with laughable lines in which Diesel's character tells a female leader (Thandie Newton) of the evil "Necromongers", saying, "It's been a long time since I've smelled beautiful." Now how would a woman react if I fed her such a line?

Then there is the painfully obvious one-liners like "That must be some sunrise" which one person comments as the sun shines its deadly, fiery rays on the prison planet "Crematoria" where the temperature is 700 degrees in sunlight and -300 degrees in the shade. The fact that Riddick and his escaped band of prisoners are able to walk on the scorched surface at such a hot temperature without being incinerated is only one of many unbelievable moments where I was left asking myself a slew of questions.

The ones left with saying more than just one line are given embarrassing dialogue, like Oscar winning British actress Judi Dench ("Shakespeare in Love"-1998). "In normal times, evil should be fought by good, but in times like this, well it should be fought by another kind of evil."

With lines like this, it made me wonder if Dench chose this project because she still has yet to hear from MGM on plans for another James Bond movie of which she's been playing 007's boss the past four films. Here, she plays Aereon, a member of the "Elementals" who exhibits the ability to vanish and reappear at will. Yet, her character still can't manage to slip out of the chains or the cell that the "Necromongers" hold her captive in.

It's Riddick who Aereon hopes can save the universe from the "Necromongers", a race of beings who fly from planet to planet wiping out entire civilizations who refuse to join them. They are led by "Lord Marshal" (Colm Feore) who has the ability to suck out a person's soul. He often boasts how he has been to the "Underverse" where he returned "half alive and half something else" which is the most we ever learn about such a place since the movie doesn't bother to take us there.

I won't argue that Vin Diesel was probably born to play action-adventure heroes or should I say anti-heroes. I liked him in "XXX" (2002) as a rogue rendition of James Bond and wished he had reprised his role as an illegal street racer in the satisfying but unnecessary sequel to The Fast and the Furious (2001).

The trouble with his role in "The Chronicles of Riddick" is that it's a one-note performance filled with forgettable one-liners like "I am the monster", "Are you afraid of the dark?" and "I can kill you with my teacup." It's a role that could have easily been played and uttered by anyone from Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger to The Rock.

Stallone and Schwarzenegger, though, often played characters that made audiences want to root for them. Diesel's Riddick is seen as more of a loner than anything else which brought me to the most troubling question the film presented. How do you root for a title character, who very early on makes it quite clear that all he wants in the universe is to simply be left alone?

©6/14/04

My Personal Worst Films: The Punisher (2004)

The Punisher «½
R, 124m. 2004

Cast & Credits: Thomas Jane (Frank Castle), John Travolta (Howard Saint), Will Patton (Quentin Glass), Laura Harring (Livia Saint), Ben Foster (Spacker Dave), Rebecca Romijn-Stamos (Joan), Samantha Mathis (Maria Castle), John Pinette (Bumpo), Roy Scheider (Frank Castle, Sr.). Screenplay by Jonathan Hensleigh and Michael France. Directed by Jonathan Hensleigh.

"The Punisher" is such a depressingly, tedious, joyless masochistic mess of a film that, like "Daredevil" (2003) and "Hulk" (2003) before it, two big budget comic book adaptations which were so dark they completely lacked a smile or laugh, I regretted even giving it a chance.

Call me old-fashioned but when I see a film based on a comic book, I expect it to be fun like the Superman and in some cases even the Batman movies. I don’t expect to see heroes in the form of a muscle bound green digitally enhanced special effect in purple spandex like the Hulk who looked like he needed to join "Rage-A-Holics." Nor do I expect heroes like Ben Affleck’s Daredevil, who like the lead character in The Punisher, to be such a depressed brood that it makes me wonder if they really get any joy out of fighting crime.

My heart sank fifteen minutes into "The Punisher" the moment Frank Castle’s entire family is murdered by gangsters at a reunion held by his father (Roy Scheider) who talks about how such a joyous occasion has been a long time coming. The order shockingly comes from the beautiful wife (Laura Harring) of a wealthy money launderer (John Travolta) following the funeral for their older son who was killed in an FBI sting operation Castle (Thomas Jane) oversaw.

“His family,” she says. “His whole family.”

By “entire family,” I am talking about grandparents, aunts and uncles, parents, young nephews and cousins right down to Castle’s wife and son who are run over by the villains.

By the time the film was over, I felt like Malcolm McDowell’s character from Stanley Kubrick’s "A Clockwork Orange" (1971) who was forced to sit and watch violent movies with his eyes pried open.

"The Punisher" is inundated with unsettling scenes of henchmen all of whom are seen donning black suits as though they’ve got nothing else of different colors hanging in their closet. All of them meet death in some grisly way or another like having arrows sliced through their necks or paper cutters used as machetes embedded into their foreheads. At one point, Castle takes a long sharp-edged bowie knife and runs it through a guy’s face starting from the bottom of his chin. You can see part of the knife inside his gaping mouth. There are others as when Travolta’s Howard Saint, thinking his wife is having an affair with his best friend (Will Patton), conveniently throws her off a bridge in front of an oncoming train.

His best line might also be the sickest when his younger son asks where his mother is. “She caught a train,” Saint says.

All this leads to the predictable climax and no, I don’t think I am giving anything away here. Castle, a former FBI agent who early on calls himself “The Punisher,” chains Saint to the rear bumper of a car sending him through a parking lot full of exploding automobiles. The explosions cleverly make up the fiery logo of a deformed but immense looking skull with three long teeth that The Punisher wears on his shirt.

I just know writing a negative review of a movie based on a popular comic book is going to bring the loyal fans out of the woodwork eager to set me straight at how I am missing the point behind this vigilante character.

They’ll probably tell me that The Punisher is supposed to be about a depressed alcoholic hell bent on revenge. The fact he doesn’t want to draw any attention to himself is normal for him as he makes his residence in a rundown apartment in Miami the fans will tell me. Castle’s next-door neighbors are a hefty cook (John Pinette) who never goes out, a video game freak (Ben Foster) with one too many earrings on his face and a waitress (Rebecca Romijn-Stamos) trying to make ends meet.

My question to the fans would be how to they expect me to root for a guy who is so morose that when his tenants invite him over for a Thanksgiving feast that when it comes time for him to say what he is thankful for, his only response is, “Thanks for dinner?”

Believe it or not, there are some good movies out there about people taking revenge. A couple of them are on my personal 100 best films of all time. The Godfather films, for example, are all about taking revenge out on traitors. As James Caan’s Sonny Corleone said to Marlon Brando’s bed-ridden father in the first movie, “They hit us, we hit them back.” Revenge films can also give us memorable villains like Ricardo Montalban’s character "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan" (1982). I found his mannerisms hilarious watching him roll his eyes in defeat quoting vengeful lines from Shakespearean tragedies.

"The Punisher" actually has the makings of what could have been a good violent popcorn movie with a hero, or anti-hero we care about and cheer when the villain finally meets his demise. In a scene that reminded me of the climax from Sergio Leone’s spaghetti western, "The Good, The Bad and the Ugly" (1966), The Punisher and two hitmen size each other up inside a bank lobby before one of them finally draws. Do I have to tell you who draws first?

In another great scene that cleverly avoids all those typical clichés where I assume it’s just another hitman who happens to have a gun in his guitar case, a well-dressed Hispanic walks into a diner where The Punisher is having breakfast and unexpectedly bangs out a tune on his guitar.

“I’m going to play that at your funeral,” he tells Castle.

Scenes like these make me wonder what The Punisher might have been like if say Quentin Tarantino had been offered the project.

The characters in "The Punisher" are one-dimensional with barely any depth and the script is chock full of so many one-liners that I found it hard to believe this was more than 60 pages. The filmmakers might as well have done a remake of "Death Wish" (1974) that featured Charles Bronson as an architect who, like The Punisher, takes the law into his own hands after his wife and son are brutally murdered.

"The Punisher" is not just a Death Wish clone disguised as a comic book movie that comes with the Marvel Comics’ logo seal of approval, the film might also spawn off a slew of unnecessary sequels over the next ten years the way Bronson’s movie did; a Death Wish for a new century.

I find it rather ironic to note despite everything that’s dreadfully wrong with "The Punisher", there is one good point the filmmakers prove. I am reminded of the scene near the end of "The Godfather Part II" (1974) where Al Pacino’s Michael Corleone is sitting all alone brooding, looking back on happier times. He’s restored his family’s Mafia name, finally consolidated all his power and wiped out all his enemies. He is, however, all alone.

If "The Punisher" proves anything, it is that taking revenge out on those who’ve wronged you won’t bring your loved ones back. In the case of this film, all the lead character, not to mention the audience, is left with is emptiness.

©4/21/04

Could the end of NBC’s “Frazier”, “Friends” mean the end of the sitcom?

Next month, NBC’s “Friends” and “Frazier” will come to an end. Just as was the case with the highly publicized finale of “Seinfeld” years ago, it looks like I will be the only one who won’t be shedding any tears.

Like “Seinfeld”, “Frazier” and “Friends” were never on my personal list of “Must See TV.”

The reason I tuned into “Frazier” for half its first season when it premiered in fall 1993 was due to my interest in seeing what direction the show’s creators were going to take Kelsey Grammer’s self-absorbed psychiatrist Frasier Crane who audiences got to know for several years on “Cheers” (1982-1993).

The best episode was the pilot in which Dr. Crane’s hopes of living as a divorced bachelor and father in Seattle are dashed when he must take in his retired father and dog and hire an English maid who says she has a knack for seeing the future.

I still laugh every time I recall how Dr. Crane responded in a deep negative voice when someone asked him what the name of his dad’s four-legged mutt was who would do nothing but sit and stare at him.

“That is Eddie.”

I haven’t watched the show on a regular basis since. The same can’t be said unfortunately, for “Friends.” Like the repeats of “Seinfeld,” thanks to the WB network who’ve milked the series for all its worth with reruns five days a week, I have seen, or maybe I should say heard, every episode five times over. I can’t say it was by choice mind you. Since I don’t own a satellite or rent cable, there is nothing else on at those times for me to watch other than “M.A.S.H.” and the news. The only other reason I had the show on was so I could have something on in the background while I was doing something else.



I always saw “Friends” as disposable entertainment. It is far from what NBC calls “a classic.” Of the 200 plus episodes made, I have only sat and watched over a dozen and most of them were from the first season. The boyfriend/girlfriend relationships were annoyingly endless. I can probably count on one hand alone how many cliffhangers over the past ten years on “Friends” had something to do with Ross (David Schwimmer) and Rachel (Jennifer Aniston) and in some cases with Joey (Matt LeBlanc). When there was no Ross/Rachel love triangle, we got the Monica (Courtney Cox-Arquette) and Chandler (Matthew Perry) relationship. Probably one or two of those cliffhangers involved Phoebe (Lisa Kudrow), who was either in the process of giving birth to three triplets or found out someone else in the gang was pregnant.

A true fan would probably know the exact title of each episode which starts out with the words, “The One…” if you look at various Friends’ websites. Thankfully, I cannot tell you the title of what I thought was the funniest episode NBC recently aired as part of its “Viewer’s Choice” poll.

Perhaps it was called “The One Where Ross Wants Everyone to Get Dressed So They Don’t Miss His Banquet” dinner? No that’s too long. Maybe it’s “The One Where Joey and Chandler Fight Over Who Is Going to Sit in The Chair?” That’s still too long.

How about, “The One Where Joey and Chandler Spill Liquid Fat on Phoebe’s Yellow Dress?” No? Could it be “The One Where Rachel Asks Ross to Eat the Fat?” Or is it called “The One Where Monica Gets a Message from Her Ex-Boyfriend Richard (Tom Selleck) And Doesn’t Know If the Message Is Old or New?”

How about “The One Where Joey Wears All of Chandler’s Clothes with No Underwear On?” Is it “The One where Pheobe Covers the Fat Stain With…” oh, never mind.

I could go on and on with this.

The end of “Friends” and “Frazier” is not so much the end of two hit Emmy award winning comedy series as it is possibly the end of hit sitcoms overall and maybe even the death of creative original network television programming.

“NBC has had years to develop something to plug in once they lost Friends, and they’ve never been able to do it,” said Stacey Lynn Koerner, director of global research at Initiative Media, according to the Oct. 6, 2003 issue of Newsweek. “I’d rather be CBS than NBC a year from now.”

Even despite their highly publicized Friends’ spinoff, Joey, next season, the peacock network still has no sure thing.

Nor do ABC, CBS, or Fox for that matter. Long running shows like “The Simpsons”, “NYPD Blue”, “ER”, “Everybody Loves Raymond”, “Will & Grace”, “The West Wing” and the original “Law & Order” have only a couple more seasons left before their contracts expire. Who’s going to step in and take over the coveted slots?

There is no doubt diehard fans will have a hard time bidding farewell when Dr. Crane takes that final phone call on his radio show to say, “I’m listening.” Or when Monica, Chandler, Ross, Rachel, Joey, and Phoebe all go their separate ways following one last round of cappuccino at Central Perk.

All this right now is just a mourning period.

The real shock of losing two comedies won’t hit until this fall when viewers realize how much laughter will be vacant from the top ten or twenty most watched programs of the week.

The series known as the hit sitcom is dead. Make way for nights of families competing to see how many worms they can eat on Fear Factor, slews of Law & Order and CSI spin-offs, hour-long news documentaries and survivor type shows where hosts like Donald Trump bring failing interns into the boardroom every week to say, “You’re fired.”

©4/21/04

Long awaited DVD release of "classic" Star Wars Trilogy not something to be excited about!

There is a great disturbance in the Force. The last time I felt it was back in 1997 when the Star Wars trilogy was re-released in theaters in celebration of the original’s twentieth anniversary.

The Star Wars trilogy, or what is now being referred to and, in many ways, rightfully so as “The Classic” trilogy that includes "Star Wars" (1977), "The Empire Strikes Back" (1980) and "Return of the Jedi" (1983) are finally coming to digital video disc (DVD) Nov. 4, 2004.

Speculation that the most popular science fiction series was possibly coming to DVD in Fall 2004, or should I say, “Rebel Rumblings”, began surfacing in late October last year on various Star Wars fan/toy websites such as Yakface and Rebelscum. The news was finally verified at a private conference Nov. 5, 2003, at the Presidio in San Francisco, Ca., Lucasfilm’s newest base of operations.

The invite went out only to various companies the studio had done business with over the years and wasn’t the kind of invite one gets in an envelope. The invitation included a figure of Darth Vader attached to a glossy black acrylic block with a brushed metal plate that read, “LORD VADER IS PLANNING A MAJOR ASSAULT. HE SUMMONS YOU TO SHARE HIS TOP SECRET BATTLE PLANS.”

The announcement may come as a delight but is it going to please everyone?

Speculation exists that what fans will see on Nov. 4 this year will not be the original 1977, 1980 and 1983 versions of the Star Wars trilogy; editions of which director/creator George Lucas has gone on record saying, no longer exist and will never see the light of day again.

Instead, what fans and DVD/film aficionados will get are the 1997 special editions which featured various changes Lucas and his team at Industrial Light and Magic made to the original prints with newly digitally enhanced footage. Personally, it was the opportunity to see all three movies on the big screen again after so many years, not the additional special effects sequences.

In the cases of the “Star Wars” and “The Empire Strikes Back” special editions, the digitally enhanced scenes ruined what was already considered flawless products to begin with. Some scenes as when Harrison Ford’s Han Solo met a computer-generated Jabba the Hutt for the first time brought cheers from audiences as did shots of X-Wing fighters attacking the Death Star from different angles instead of in a straight line. Others like the infamous “Greedo shoots Han” first sequence in the cantina not to mention the additional visual effects shots in “The Empire Strikes Back” ruined the flow of certain scenes and messed up the musical soundtrack.

“Return of the Jedi” was the sequel in what some said was the most disappointing finale in the series that benefited from the changes. “Jedi” ended on a more dramatic note showing celebrations on various planets. Gone was that embarrassing “yuck-yuck” song sung by those annoyingly, cute teddy bears called the Ewoks.

The original ’77, ’80 and ’83 versions are what 48,000 plus fans want to see released on DVD, however; those who’ve signed the online petition at www.originaltrilogy.com that is. The petition went online over a year ago when Lucas made it known that the originals would never be seen again.

Will Lucas reconsider his decision? Film buffs made their negative reactions known when director Steven Spielberg announced that only the revised 20th anniversary edition of “E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial” would be available on DVD and not the original 1982 version. The Oscar winning director heard their protests and the end result was both the ’82 and 2002 editions were released on DVD by Universal/MCA Home Entertainment over a year ago.

Could Lucas react the same way and give the fans what they want? There is a part of me that hopes so. His decision against it is the only reason why I still own a VCR and still have the original videocassettes. If nothing else, those movies will be collector’s items; a part of film history now gone forever replaced by computer enhanced editions.

Then again, November is still barely ten months away. Marketing strategies as to how the films will be packaged and sold whether in a box set like the Indiana Jones series or sold separately are still being discussed.

Perhaps Lucas really does have some “top secret battle plans” up his sleeve and doesn’t want to divulge everything until he is ready. The studio’s recent decision to extend Hasbro license to continue making Star Wars toys until 2012 possibly suggests that when the yet untitled Episode 3 comes out May 25, 2005, that it may not officially be the final Star Wars movie.

Lucas’ original plan was to make nine films. Since 1999’s “Star Wars - Episode 1: The Phantom Menace,” the filmmaker has maintained there will only six. Internet rumors continue to circulate, however, the director may hand episodes 7, 8 and 9 over to other filmmakers and screenwriters.

It may all just be wishful thinking on the part of the die-hard fans who simply aren’t ready to see the franchise come to an end next May.

To quote a wise little green, pointy eared Jedi Master, the future is difficult to see. “Always in motion is the future,” said Yoda.

One thing is for certain. The Star Wars trilogy DVDs will no doubt be a top seller in 2004. What’s uncertain is whether their long-awaited release will be a cause for celebration or one that’s truly disturbing.

©2/11/04

My Most Disliked Topics Media Covered In 2003

Every December as the year ends, critics list their best and worst in movies, television, music and books. Since I am still trying to play catch up on 2003’s movies, I decided to forego my own best and worst list and draw up a unique list for 2003. I call it “Nine things I got sick and tired of hearing the press talk about in 2003 that I am going to hear about, and in some cases, am already hearing about right now in 2004.”

Britney Spears: You know all the words. Sing it along with me. “Oops she did it again.” The former Mouseketeer locked tongues with Madonna at the MTV awards and graced the front covers of most every entertainment or fashion magazine in titillating poses in 2003. The year 2004 wasn’t even a week old when the press got wind of marriage to a childhood friend in Las Vegas only to denounce the proceedings a day later. It was one of the top stories on CNN’s website Jan. 3. Anyone with even an ounce of intelligence should realize it was just another publicity stunt on behalf of the 22-year-old singer who’s clearly running out of ways to shock people. All that’s left now is for Spears to reconsider Playboy magazine’s offer to pose nude. I know quite a few guys who’d snatch up copies of that issue.



Michael Jackson: Is the King of Pop really guilty of “lewd or lascivious acts” with a 12-year-old boy who is a cancer patient and claims Jackson gave him wine before molesting him at the star’s Neverland Ranch? Did the Los Angeles police manhandle him (or as Jay Leno joked on The Tonight Show maybe the singer should have suggested he be “boy handled?) as Jackson said to reporters in December? Perhaps Jackson really is innocent after all and is a victim of circumstance who just happens to like sleeping with little boys (though he has said in interviews that he sleeps on the floor on certain occasions). What’s worse? Jackson’s predicament or hearing the latest developments on the case?

The Scott Peterson Case: The guy deserves the death penalty for murdering his pregnant wife, Laci, and unborn child. All right, I’ll be politically correct and say “allegedly.” But I really can’t think of anyone who deserves the death penalty more. Actually, there are some who deserve it just as much as he does. It’s just that no one else comes to mind because this despicable murder case has been in the press for more than a year. Perhaps when the trial is finally over, all that unnecessary and overblown news coverage will pay off if the jury hands down the verdict Scott Peterson really deserves.

Martha Stewart: I admit it would be humorous if the queen of K-mart did go to prison for insider trading. Perhaps she could make some improvements to the prison food. Then there’s the way the women’s prison block would look after she gives the place a woman’s touch. Perhaps Stewart could arrange a morning talk show from prison. All kidding aside, I seriously doubt the domestic diva is going to do any time. I predict it’s going to be a hung jury half made up of men who don’t like seeing women in charge of large corporations. On the other hand, women will be more sympathetic to Stewart’s plight. They want to see a female in charge, especially in a time when this nation could have a woman president in the White House before 2020. All Stewart did was dump $228,000 worth of ImClone stock at the last minute. It’s not as if she put millions of employees out of work the way greedy executives at Enron did. Now those are some people who truly deserve prison time.

Kobe Bryant: Did she, or didn’t she? Did he, or didn’t he? Those were the question asked when the rape case involving the famous basketball star broke the airwaves last year. They’re the same questions still being asked today. When it’s all over, it’s going to be a case of “he said, she said” and more than likely it will be the 19-year-old Colorado hotel employee and accuser who is in the wrong.

Ben and J. Lo: It’s clear that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are NOT Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. And after the two of them did “Gigli,” (Affleck says the title is pronounced and sounds like the word, “Really”), it’s clear this on-screen couple is no Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn. Last year’s news was whether the duo known as “Bennifer” will ever tie the knot. The couple’s decision to finally call it quits last week will be the topic of 2004.

Saddam Hussein: The guy’s a coward. I would have liked it better if the man who compared himself to Nebuchadnezzar II, a Babylonian king who once ruled Iraq, had gone out in a blaze of glory battling American troops the way his sons died last summer. If nothing else, his death would have spared the world of having to hear about “The Trial of the Century: when the former Iraqi leader is tried for decades of crimes his own people later this year.

Rush Limbaugh’s Addiction to Prescription Pain Killers: The only ones who took great pleasure in hearing about the controversial talk show host checking into rehab after admitting he was addicted to and being investigated for supposedly purchasing illegally prescribed pain killers were the bleeding-heart liberals and the largely liberal press. Newsweek’s cover story last fall on the “Maha Rushie’s” recent downfall was NOT news. It was a dirty, if not pathetic attempt to kick a man when he’s down. Liberal’s revenge is what I call it and it just goes to show how the media can’t find anything better to cover.

Terror Alerts, Osama bin Laden and Al-Qaeda: It’s all a case of damned if you do, damned if you don’t when it comes to Homeland Security raising the terror alerts to red, especially during the holiday seasons. The reason why is obvious: to prevent another 9/11 style attack from happening again. The fact is Americans now know better. We’re going to continue doing exactly what we’ve been doing since the events of 9/11: going about our daily lives but be vigilant and aware of our surroundings. It’s a good bet if anyone takes over or tries to blow up a plane, as demonstrated by shoe bomber Richard Reid, the passengers are going to do something to stop the terrorists. A recent videotape from Al-Qaeda’s Chief Executive Officer Osama bin Laden didn’t stop Americans from flying over the holidays last month. It was law enforcement organizations from around the world who, in fact, stopped terrorist agents from boarding planes headed to the United States by canceling certain flights abroad. What it all comes down to is when the chips are down, the only thing Al-Qaeda has on their side is scaring the hell out of people idle threats of retaliation.

©1/28/04