Phantom Menace trailer premieres - patrons pay just to see preview - leave soon after

Last month in New York City two days before the preview was to officially open in cineplexes across the country, hundreds of die-hard fans paid nine bucks to see the much anticipated two-minute trailer of “Star Wars - Episode I: The Phantom Menace” at a local theater only to walk out the minute the Anthony Hopkins/Brad Pitt feature, “Meet Joe Black” began.

Frankly, I was a little surprised director George Lucas released it this quickly the week before Thanksgiving. I expected the hype to officially begin the week before Christmas when I assumed the trailer would premiere. People told me at work the preview was being shown before matinees of “Enemy of the State” and Disney’s “A Bug’s Life.”

I saw the trailer on network television in its entirety twice the week it premiered at theaters, and it didn’t cost me a dime.

Was I impressed or excited to see it especially since news anchors announced that night, “See the upcoming trailer of the new Star Wars movie for the first time tonight at 10 p.m.?” Ok. I was.

The first time that is seeing a new youthful looking Yoda (he is greener than he was in the first trilogy and has more hair), and a bald Samuel L. Jackson as a Jedi Knight. Jackson’s character in one brief sequence apparently doubted a younger Ben Kenobi (Ewan MacGregor) that “this boy” named Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd) could be trained as a Jedi Knight. It was like getting a big chocolate sundae for dessert except in this case, it was the digitally enhanced special effects and John Williams’ musical score that substituted for the cherry on top.

Watching it the second time that same night, however, I got this impending sense of déjà vu. The same feeling I get every time I sit through most sequels; the sense of “Been there, seen that.” Scenes of STAP Droids flying around the way those speeder bikes did on Endor, and the chaotic space battle reminded me of the Death Star battle in “Return of the Jedi” (1983).

Over the years, I have come to hate previews and if I could time it just right, I would show up after they were over just to view the movie I paid to see. They are nothing more than clever mass marketing campaigns that give away practically the entire plot in two to three minutes.

There is still the question of seeing “Star Wars - Episode I: The Phantom Menace” which will run at two hours and 15 minutes in according to Entertainment Weekly on only “302 screens” nationwide May 21, 1999. Far below the 3,000 screens “The Prince of Egypt” opened on last week or the 1,200 theaters the 1995 NC-17 rated film, “Showgirls”, was released on.

If what the publication said is true then despite the low number of multiplexes, most everyone I know who works Fridays is going to take that day off to see it regardless.

Except maybe me. I have been a Star Wars fan since grade school, and I currently collect everything from figures to vehicles that Hasbro/Kenner has been making since 1995.

I want to enjoy the movie, however, without having to stand in long lines opening weekend and likely all summer if it is a box office success. I am probably going to wait a couple of weeks, perhaps a month or two before I see it.

It is only a movie - not the second coming of Christ. I wonder if any sane, brave souls tried telling that to all those Star Wars fans who lined up outside that New York City theater last month just to see a two-minute trailer.

If anyone did, chances are they were probably greeted by hundreds of trigger-happy Imperial Stormtroopers brandishing laser rifles drawn and lightsaber wielding Jedi Knights.

©12/22/98

My Personal Worst Films: Lost in Space (1998)

Lost In Space «
PG-13, 130m. 1998

Cast & Credits: William Hurt (Professor John Robinson), Matt LeBlanc (Major Don West), Gary Oldman (Dr. Zachary Smith/Spider), Mimi Rogers (Maureen Robinson), Heather Graham (Judy Robinson), Lacey Chabert (Penny Robinson), Jack Johnson (Will Robinson), Dick Tuffeld (Voice of the Robot). Screenplay by Akiva Goldsman. Directed by Stephen Hopkins.

The key to enjoying "Lost in Space" depends on the movie theater you see it at. If the cineplex is equipped with the THX Sony Digital Surround Sound system, there is a good chance you will be distracted or even amazed, for that matter, by the dazzling array of special effects. I know I was.

The film is based on the late 1960’s cult science fiction series created by producer Irwin Allen, who later made a lot of the star-studded disaster movies of the 1970s. The "Lost in Space" TV show told the story of the Robinson family and their never-ending quest to get back to Earth. I was a big fan of the series back when it aired in syndication during the summer in the early 1980s and never missed an episode.

My favorite character was the cowardly, selfish, troublemaker Dr. Zachary Smith, played by Jonathan Harris, who provided many of the show’s humorous moments. Smith sabotaged the Robinson’s ship, the Jupiter 2, in the premiere episode, and caused them to be thrown off course. His only friends were young Will (Bill Mumy) and his garrulous talking Robot; whose trademark was whenever it sensed their lives were in peril, the machine would wave its mechanical arms in a frenzy yelling, “Warning! Danger, Will Robinson. Danger!”

True, the special effects and the costumes had an amateurish, unimaginative look to them. I remember one episode where the Robinson family was being held captive by a Carrot Man. Looking at the alien I could tell this was just an actor inside a large orange suit equipped with a long green leaf on his head and a round hole for his face to fit in. This was network television, however, and viewers rarely saw anything that looked incredibly expensive to do.

This updated version is advanced technologically. The ships and sets are impressive to look at and the characters sport black spandex, skin-tight, space suits similar to the ones the Dynamic Duo wore in the Batman movies minus the leather nipples and codpieces.

The movie even presented an idea of how surgical operations could one day be performed in the 21st century. Instead of using X-rays, a medical computer displays a hologram of the body’s inner parts and circulatory system above the patient pinpointing what is wrong with them.

When I saw the film last spring, I could feel the floors inside the theater shake as the Jupiter 2 launched from Earth the way NASA’s rocket ships and space shuttles do today in one of the movie’s memorably, clever sequences. I loved hearing the ticking sounds, emanating from the auditorium’s speakers, of long-legged, metal-chomping, alien spiders with sharp, pointy-toothed mouths, as they prepared to attack the Robinson family.

What the "Lost in Space" movie lacks are the series’ emotional human frailties. This new Robinson family is a dysfunctional, unhappy bunch where Professor John Robinson (William Hurt) and his wife, Maureen (Mimi Rogers), argue about how he doesn’t spend enough time with her and the kids.

The professor’s son, Will (Jack Johnson), is always in trouble at school for turning his holographic principal into anything from a chimpanzee to Rambo; his reason for doing so is to get dear old dad’s attention. The scientist/explorer is just too busy preparing for the family’s heroic journey into space aboard the Jupiter 2, piloted by Major Don West (Matt LeBlanc).

The family’s two daughters are another story. There is Penny (Lacey Chabert), who seems to live in a world of her own chronicling her adventures on computer. Her only friend is an annoying alien monkey whose bulging eyes and ears are a cross between Mickey Mouse and Dumbo.

The other is Judy (Heather Graham), the good looking blond supposedly responsible for putting the Jupiter project together and who, from what I can tell watching the film, seems to be the smartest of them all.

The movie has almost the same premise as the show’s pilot. Their mission is to journey to Alpha Prime and finish building a hypergate which will enable the people of Earth to live in another part of the galaxy. Earth’s pollution levels; we are told, are so high in the year 2058 that in a couple decades, the planet will not be able to sustain life.

Their rescue operation is thwarted when the evil manipulative Dr. Smith (Gary Oldman, whose characteristics are a complete opposite of Harris’ TV rendition) attempts to destroy the ship only to be accidentally left aboard the moment they launch.

Everything seen in this movie goes to waste the moment the characters speak. The laughably inane script was written by Akiva Goldsman who wrote the screenplays for "Batman Forever" (1995) and "Batman & Robin" (1997). Goldsman modeled those movies after the cheesy Batman TV series that also aired in the late 1960s. Although I found both installments to be silly at times, they did have a funny, comic book feel to them. This is not the case with his latest work.

The "Lost in Space" screenplay is so inept, I couldn’t believe what director Stephen Hopkins filmed was the final draft. I am no Oliver Stone or Robert Towne when it comes to dreaming up creative, convincing dialogue but I can certainly think of better lines for my characters to say then this. I’ll let the readers be the judge though.

Here are some examples of what you will hear the characters say.

During the movie’s opening moments, Professor Robinson tells a group of reporters on Earth about the dangers of traveling through hyperspace and that one small miscalculation can send someone to another part of the galaxy. “That’s a lot of space out there to get lost in,” he says.

When the Jupiter 2 is on a collision course with the sun, Major West sarcastically says, “Is that what that big ball of fire is?”

When Dr. Smith makes a comment about an abandoned starship the family is exploring, West tells him, “You really need to shut up.”

When Professor Robinson tells West he is taking too many chances with their lives, his wife scolds them and says, “If you two are through cleaning up the place with your testosterone, I think I may have found a way off this rock.”

After warding off West’s sexual advances, Judy Robinson tells the major; in what is an obvious reference to the male anatomy, he needs to “get a grip on his joystick.”

With lines like this, the film would have been better if the characters had not spoken at all just so I could enjoy the scenery.

As a result of my being entranced by the visual effects, I never realized it until I saw the film again on DVD how much it borrows from countless other science fiction films from the Star Wars trilogy to the Star Trek movies. There isn’t a shred of originality.

The scenes, for example, where the Jupiter 2 attempts time travel by going through the sun bears resemblance to the sequence in "Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home" (1986) where the Enterprise crew goes back in time to pick up a couple humpback whales. The only difference is their starship went around the sun and not through it the way the Jupiter 2 does.

Another scene is inspired by "Star Trek III: The Search for Spock" (1984) where the Genesis Planet breaks apart. By comparison, the Jupiter 2 lands on a planet with the same catastrophic qualities.

There is even a moment where Will tries to put together the Robot from old parts. During the whole time, the Robot can’t understand what has happened to him. This similar sequence, done in "The Empire Strikes Back" (1980), where Chewbacca, the tall hairy Wookie, screws the droid C3P0’s head on backwards was funnier.

What stood out most about the television series was how much the characters cared for one another. Even for Harris’ Dr. Smith, who was the reason for the Robinson’s misfortune. Each episode I remember seeing always invoked themes of friendship and family bonding.

The "Lost in Space" movie has no emotional core at its center, no characters I care about much less root for, and is nothing more than a visual, hearing toy for the eyes and ears.

When the film was over, I was pretty much in agreement with the fast-paced theme song where various lines the cast said throughout the movie were put to music.

The line I agreed most with was the one ending the song where Penny Robinson says, “This mission sucks.”

©10/11/98

Time to put the anniversaries of Princess Diana and JFK to rest

This year marks the anniversaries of the deaths of two prominent figureheads. One anniversary already passed on Aug. 31 with the death of Princess Diana last year in a car crash in Paris. The next big anniversary occurs on Nov. 22 at Dealey Plaza and The Sixth Floor Museum, formerly known as the Texas School Book Depository, where hundreds of spectators visit the site where President Kennedy was assassinated in downtown Dallas.

Of course, I can’t recall where I was 35 years ago as I wasn’t born yet. But I remember almost like it was yesterday where and what I was doing when Diana died. I was coming back from break shortly after 10 p.m. at work Dallas time over a year ago when one of my coworkers heard on the radio that the princess was in a car accident. At the time when the first reports came out, no one knew she was dead. What I did know for certain was that the coming week was going to be a huge field day for the press. She would be on the front covers of both Time and Newsweek.

What I and the world for that matter wasn’t expecting to hear was that she had died. It didn’t officially sink in for me until six days later listening to the live broadcast of the funeral at work that began around 2:30 a.m. the following Saturday morning. I’ll admit I shed a few tears that day but I don’t know why.

I guess I was like the thousands of people, some of whom were seen weeping back in November 1963 as they sat glued to their TV sets for three days watching JFK’s funeral. But why did they mourn for two people whom they never personally met or know but felt they knew through press coverage?

I suppose it was because both tragedies were so sudden that no one expected them to happen. Their lives were books whose chapters went unfinished but what was most tragic was that both didn’t live to see their children grow up.

Diana and JFK were known for their radiant smiles, good looks, humor and outgoing personalities. Shortly before she died, “the People’s Princess” dedicated herself to such worthy causes as visiting the homeless, AIDS patients and victims of land mines.

JFK advocated civil rights (legislation which President Lyndon B. Johnson later passed) as well as the space program promising that America would one day have an American walking on the moon before 1970.

It has now been a year since Diana passed away and the public, not to mention the press, still won’t let her rest. She has become our generation’s JFK. Despite the fact I grieved that day, I have since grown tired of seeing all the endless tell-all books and pictorials at the bookstores, the hundreds of Diana doll ads people can order and the consistent rumors and speculation that there might have been a plot to murder the princess.



As for JFK, most of the fifty plus books I had about America’s most prominent political first family and the assassination all sit in used bookstores now. All I have left are some actual reprints of newspaper articles on the subject.

Even if the information was true and Diana was the victim of some bizarre murder plot and JFK’s assassination wasn’t the act of a lone gunman, what good will come out of it? It’s not going to bring them back.

The editorial in the September issue of Life magazine this month that also covered an article on the infamous Zapruder film, said it is time to put the Kennedy Assassination to rest.

In the case of Princess Diana, on the week of the first anniversary of their mother’s death, Dallas’ KDFA channel 4 news reported her sons, Princes William and Harry, issued a statement from Buckingham Palace telling the public it is time for the grieving process to end. The family felt bad enough. They don’t need society and the press to keep bringing it up.

Perhaps it is time for the nation and the world to bring closure to these two national tragedies and get on with their lives.

©9/10/98

Not sorry to see "nothing show" go

Let me be the first and for all I know, the only one in America who isn’t the least bit sorry to see “The Show About Nothing” go off the air this May.

Correction. I am one of two people in America who isn’t in mourning. The other person is a friend of mine from New York who sent me an email saying, “I stopped watching “Seinfeld” after the first couple episodes. Once I figured out the show was about nothing, I saw no reason to watch it anymore.”

The truth is after nine seasons, NBC’s number one show has lost its clever, comedic touch of originality the series once had when co-creator Larry David was writing the episodes.

“It’s all about timing,” said comedian Jerry Seinfeld in an issue of Time. And it was that reason he said why this would be the show’s last year. Better to go out being remembered as the most watched program in America even if TV critics (like me) are saying the series isn’t as good as it once was.

And yet after all the complaints, the fans still don’t want it to end.

The fact is Seinfeld was wanting to call it quits for a while now. I was prepared for this statement to come a couple years ago when Entertainment Weekly did a feature story discussing why the show’s co-stars Jason Alexander, Michael Richards and Julia Louis-Dreyfus weren’t ready to quit “except one.”

“Seinfeld” was at its best when it mocked movies like “JFK” (1991) (the infamous spitting incident involving Kramer and Newman), “Nixon” (1995), and “Schindler’s List” (1993) and newsworthy events from the O.J. Simpson bronco chase to the Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding scandal (the episode where George, Jerry and his girlfriend trip Bette Midler during a softball game).

The show at one point even made fun of itself as when Jerry and George went before NBC executives to discuss a TV pilot about themselves.

“It’s about nothing,” George explained, “In every TV show, people are always doing something, we’ll do nothing.”

“I think you may have something there,” Jerry said.

But “Seinfeld” also played upon our personal feelings about society as when Jerry talks on his car phone to Elaine editorializing how rude drivers are on the road, issues on sex, and how much we hate getting calls at home from people wanting us to take surveys.

Up until recently, whenever someone called asking me to take a survey, I would usually slam the phone down or rudely say no. But someone told me the next time this happens, I should just ask the person on the phone if I can take down their number and call them at home.

Perhaps the person on the other end of the phone will tell me their company doesn’t do that much like Jerry told a caller in one episode.

“You mean you don’t like it when people call you at home,” he said.

I hope the next person I tell that to will say no so I can quote the stand-up comedian saying before hanging up, “Good, then you know how I feel.”

I haven’t seen anything on “Seinfeld” this season that was as memorable as in year’s past.

The only reason I turn the show on now is to find out what crazy schemes Kramer would be up to and the many stories and lies George would tell.

Such ideas though were only good for a couple laughs in the first ten minutes whether it was Kramer being called back to work at the bagel shop he was on strike from for 14 years or George making people at his new job treat him like he was handicapped.

Whenever I have the show on, it is always while I am doing something else (like writing this column).

To date, I haven’t sat and watched an episode in a long time and probably won’t until the series finale.

But there is something “Seinfeld” leaves Americans with when it arrives in syndication heaven. Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer leave us with a few sayings we can use in our everyday lives like Homer Simpson’s “D’oh.”

Like when certain employees I know at work whose egos are larger than the cubicles they sit in get on my case because I show up at the Friday meetings when I should be at the Thursday meetings instead.

It’s absolutely none of their business and the matter is only between me and management. So I just tune these egomaniacs out like I normally do and say, “Yada, yada, yada” every time they speak.

Or when I am trying to get to work or school and the entire world has got nothing better to do on Interstate 635 but slow down and watch a car wreck causing me to be ten minutes late, I just turn up the volume on the radio and say the phrase, “Serenity Now,” a few times to keep my blood pressure from rising above normal.

Society’s morbid curiosity with car accidents is never going to stop.

As Jerry Seinfeld might say, “Not that there is anything wrong with that.”

©2/25/98